Mahou Shoujo Niji Tenshi
by draconichero21
Summary: Alternate title: Magical Girl Rainbow Angels. In this AU, join the adventures of magical girls Bambietta, Candice, Liltotto, Giselle and Meninas as they band together to save the day from evil. Rated M for language and sexual themes. Straight up crack comedy. Warning: may offend uptight people that can't take a joke.
1. Episode 1

**(A/N: This is by far one of the dumbest things I've actually ever put to virtual paper. If you know me on deviantART then you should know that I post A LOT of ideas on there that I hope other writers will decide to use for their own designs in hope that they'll credit me for giving them the idea or bring me on as a creative consultant to see my idea brought to fruition. That said **_**what the FUCK am I doing? **_**This is just…oh my god. I really can't believe that I'm doing this. But, eh, it was an idea too good to pass up. Please enjoy and if you think it's worth expanding say so in your review. It won't be a high priority project, but it'll at least be amusing).**

Disclaimer: Bleach is written by Tite Kubo

* * *

**Beverly Hills, California**

In many walks of life throughout the land, there will always be nothing more mystical than the illustrious magical girl. They are a strange breed of teenage girls full of hope and cheer; they fart rainbows, make people smile and hug adorable kittens.

EXCEPT IN THIS STORY!

At a remote high school, standing on the pitcher's mound of her school's baseball field, stood Candice Catnipp, a seventeen-year-old blonde tomboy with yellow eyes, and a love of sports- especially baseball. She also loved hunky boys, bubblegum and punk rock music.

As she stood straight up, ball in her glove, she prepared her pitch. It was the bottom of the ninth, with two outs, bases loaded, and a tie game. Candice blew a bubble with her gum. It popped, and she chewed it. Then, she sent a swift pitch straight over the pitcher's mound, in an attempt to intimidate the meek girl up to bat. She was surprised when her pitch was hit, and sent flying out of the ball park and into the street. The poor baseball was then run over by a car.

Candice's eye twitched in anger as she watched the car go by.

As opposing team congratulated their winning batter, Candice promptly walked over to her, and slammed her fist into her face, determined to beat her to a bloody pulp.

"Hit my winning pitches will you? I'll show you, you spotlight stealing bitch!" She cried, as she let the punches rain on the hapless batter.

Oh. Right. Two more things you should know about Candice.

Tweet! Two police officers came running over to the baseball field, wrestled down and overpowered her, and then handcuffed her and began leading her away.

"Hey! What the hell gives? You can't arrest me! I didn't do nothing!" Candice shouted, kicking her legs furiously and struggling to break free. "Your evidence will never hold up in court! I want my lawyer, you shit-eating, AIDS-ridden fascist pigs!"

She was a repeat juvenile delinquent, mostly for shoplifting, but she'd been convicted on assault charges too. She also had a really vulgar tongue.

"Hey! Fuck you, asshole!" Candice yelled at the narrator.

Oh, hush!

Meanwhile, in the chemistry lab, there was one of the top idols of the school, Bambietta Basterbine. She was an intelligent junior year, dark haired and blue eyed beauty, with a killer body. Her hobbies included tennis, reading romance novels, looking at pictures of cats on the internet, and she was a fan of the Pokemon franchise.

BOOM!

As the chem lab exploded every student in the room was ducking under the desks. Bambietta, however, lifted up her safety goggles and cheered, "Whoo hoo! Success!"

Oh, right. And she loved explosions. She was quite the notorious ant hill bomber, solved 70% of her problems with C4, and considered Michael Bay films art.

Bambietta winked at the reader and gave them the peace sign. "The stories are crap, but who doesn't love stuff blowing up?"

Everybody, but I'm sure you can find that kind of thing in better films.

"Nobody does explosions like Michael Bay, and you know it!"

Whatever.

At this same time, the cheer leading squad was performing their routine for the school's football team "The Archers". Among them, pink haired and eyed student Meninas McAllon. She was a senior at the school and definitely the most voluptuous of the entire cheer leading squad and the eyes of many boys in the school. She was an amazing cook, specializing in cakes, muffins and cookies. She loved kittens, puppies and bunnies. She could play the drums and the flute really well, and she often was a supervisor for her district's Girl Scout troupe, and there was no man alive who could refuse her when she helped sell cookies. She was a black belt in karate, and she was an all-around sweetheart. There was just one teensy tiny problem with Meninas.

"Head's up!" One of the football team members shouted as he threw an incomplete pass towards the cheerleaders.

The other cheerleaders ran screaming, but Meninas managed to catch the ball in between her pom-poms while the ball was barely two inches from her face. Without even waiting for it to be asked to be returned, Meninas dropped her right Pompom and threw the ball as hard as she could. It sailed through the air at near supersonic speed, hitting with perfect accuracy the quarterback's groin. He wore a cup, but that didn't matter- Meninas' strike had hit him pretty hard. He squeezed his legs together, toppled over and grabbed his crotch.

"Oh my gosh!" Meninas jogged forward, her boobs bouncing with every step. "Are you all right?"

"I… can never… have children…" the quarterback squealed with pain.

"Oh good, you're fine," Meninas said with a smile.

The problem was that Meninas was either completely oblivious to the pain of others, or she was a closet sadist. The jury was still out on that one.

"I… need a doctor."

"Oh you'll be fine. Walk it off!" She then returned to her fellow cheerleaders to continue practice.

While the quarterback was carried off the football field, Giselle Gewelle, a blue-eyed, pale-skinned, black-haired sophomore, was currently teaching her students a lesson in an abandoned classroom. It was after school hours and no one was currently using the room, so she was using it to indulge herself in one of her sick and twisted fantasies.

"And this, class," she said, using a stick to point to the diagram she had on the overhead projector that was transmitting images from her laptop, "Is what it looks like when you sew a surgically removed penis to someone's breasts."

Yeah, Giselle wasn't exactly right in the head. Though there _were_ good things about her. There was…there was…actually no she's completely fucked up and creepy. Sure, she liked Stephen King novels and the poetry of Edgar Allen Poe. But she also considered the Hellsing Ultimate series softcore porn; to her, Silence of the Lambs and Sweeney Todd were romantic comedies, and she thought of Quentin Tarantino as a director of sensual movies. She also thought that Jason Vorhees would make the perfect boyfriend.

"Any questions class?" Giselle asked, looking at all the corpses she had dug up, stitched together and somehow dragged to school and set up in the empty classroom without being noticed.

One of the heads rolled off of the dead bodies and then Giselle felt something crawl up her back and on top of her head. It was a very large and very hairy tarantula.

"Oh there you are, Mitzy," Giselle said, glancing up at the tarantula. The tarantula crawled down her face, sticking its thorax in between Giselle's eyes. Giselle held the arachnid in the palms of her hands. "Did you find that dead bird I left for you?" Mitzy's fangs wiggled back and forth. "I bet somebody's hungry for rat. I found a big fat one in the janitor's closet. Come on, I'll show you." Giselle then left the room, leaving all the dead bodies still in the classroom.

Some might marvel at the oddity of a classroom full of corpses- what about the stench, or the sanitation issues, or the complete lack of ethics?- but such simple trivialities were far below Giselle. Reason and Logic had learned to stay far away from her, because Giselle did terrible things to them and they were still traumatized from the last time, thank you very much. As such, Giselle and reality had a relationship that facebook would call "complicated". In effect, she pretty much did whatever she wanted. It would be anarchy, if Giselle wasn't so neat and orderly. Students somehow didn't ask questions, mainly because something deep in their reptile brain told them not to, and Giselle held her classes uninterrupted.

Saying Giselle had issues was like saying a nuclear explosion was loud. It didn't really touch upon the important details of the obvious and couldn't be a bigger understatement if you _tried_.

And, finally, there was Liltotto Lampered. Like Candice, she was blonde. Unlike Candice she was a freshman, and her eyes were caramel colored. Liltotto might not have really hit into puberty—even Giselle had at least a little volume—but she had other good points. She was good at fixing motor vehicles. She liked nature documentaries. And she was a big fan of stand-up comedy. However, she too also had a critical flaw.

At present, Liltotto was at the school store buying at least a dozen candy bars and bags of chips. Upon paying for her snacks, she tore them all open and wolfed them down with gusto that would make a starving grizzly bear tearing into a freshly killed reindeer look refined. In all likeliness, the grizzly would probably raise its nose and say, with some pride, that he had _standards_ and that eating like Liltotto was a disgraceful comparison. Yeah, Liltotto's eating manners were atrocious.

…what? They don't all have to be ungodly horrendous.

These five girls were often thought to not get very far in life, Giselle especially since most people thought she'd end up in an insane asylum before she was 25. However, starting today they'd be known as the Mahou Shoujo Niji Tenshi! Roughly translating to: Magical Girl Rainbow Angels!

* * *

**New York City**

People always say that Tokyo has it the worst when it comes to Kaiju attacks. People often forget that New York is quite often the target for giant monster attacks as well. Sadly, humanity had not yet reached the point where they built humongous mechas to fight them... was no different. Today, a giant monster had come out of nowhere and was attacking the city. It was a scaly, green bear with fire breath, standing as tall as the empire state building, and it had glowing red eyes- because all evil kaiju need red eyes. And it was destroying the Big Apple. It was utter chaos, as it smashed through buildings, destroyed bridges, assaulted well known monuments- a speciatly of kaiju- and last but not least, gleefully jaywalking while flipping off poor, innocent police officers.

"Quick!" cried Michael Bay, who was drawn to disaster like a moth to the flame, mainly because of his explosexuality, (a rare, incurable condition) "Get a camera! I'm going to film this attack, and then make a movie about it that is in no way relevant to the source material, with bad actors and plenty of explosions!"

"Sure!" Agreed M. Night Shyamalan, who had randomly been walking by for no particular reason, "And I'll add a twist into the movie at the end that makes absolutely no sense just so that there can be a twist!"

"We'll make so much money!" Michael Bay shouted.

"Which we can then use to buy beer, women, and make a shitty sequel that no one asked for and people will love it anyway!"

"We asked for it!"

"And we're the only ones who matter."

* * *

**At a remote location**

**On a deserted island**

Ikumi Unagiya was the CEO of her self-created company Unagiya Corp. A beautiful, black-haired woman with a noticeable chest and an even more noticeable right hook, she had, in true Uncle Scrooge fashion, gone from nothing- nothing meaning her own cart from which she sold eel sushi- to owning a small sushi restaurant, to building a small chain of restaurants, and from there had naturally progressed to owning two oil companies, an arms company, four computer engineering companies, and a fancy beauty parlour in the middle of Tokyo with the most fabulous nail polish in the land, and all this without even being Scottish. Her net worth was almost incalculable, and she was roughly two steps from being a Bond villain. Possible future plans included a pool of sharks with freaking laser beams on their heads, or possibly a death star. World domination was not off the table. Currently, she was holding a meeting to protect the innocents- that is, her innocent, highly profitable assets, under risk by selfish liberal democrat communist kaiju who just wanted to destroy her wealth.

"Hey!" she shouted over to Kisuke Urahara, her blond assistant. She had hired him because he was smart and mostly amoral, and the rule of two did state that if you wanted to be a sith lord, you needed an apprentice."We gotta do something about that big kaiju tearing up New York."

"How many military personnel have died yet?" Urahara asked, leaning back in his chair.

"The military hasn't gotten involved yet."

"Pfft," Yoruichi scoffed. She too worked for Unagiya. How else do you think Urahara got the job? No one would hire him without an internal referral. Where Yoruichi went, Urahara went. But they totally weren't married or anything and they especially weren't having a threesome with Yoruichi's Asian assistant. "Then kick back and relax. Everyone knows the real heroes don't do diddly-squat until at least two tanks have been destroyed."

"Two tanks have been destroyed at the scene of the giant reptile bear monster attack in New York City," a monotone news reporter said from the TV. "Also, it is believed that one of the victims of the giant monster attack is Bryan Cranston."

"NOOO!" Yoruichi shouted. "Not Bryan Cranston!He had so much potential for turning this into a great story instead of a mediocre monster flick with uninteresting characters!"

"You're goddamn right," Urahara said, sitting up and pulling his chair towards his trio of unecessarily overly complex dashboards, "Time to go to work. What do you want me to do, chief?"

Unagiya held out her palm, all fingers outstretched. "Recruit five teenagers with attitude!"

"Are you sure, chief?" Urahara asked her. "Wouldn't five, bright, upstanding citizens work better?"

"Or a giant robot," Yoruichi said.

"Look, we wasted our budget on those five transformation rings. Somebody's gotta use 'em!" Unagiya shouted.

"And whose fault is that?" Urahara asked.

"You're looking for the right way to a salary cut, Kisuke," Yoruichi commented.

"Look I want five teenagers with attitude by the time I'm back from lunch! If I don't you're _both_ getting salary cuts!" Unagiya stomped out of the room. She then poked her head back inside with a quick. "_And_ you guys are off my Christmas list!"

"You do it, Kisuke," Yoruichi said, leaning back in her chair. "You're better with techno warp drive gizmos and whatever."

"Right then, five teenagers with attitude coming right up!"

Kisuke fiddled with his trio of dashboards, setting a dial up to grab the moodiest teenagers in the entire world. He also fiddled with a few more dials to make sure that these teens would be in the same location, preferably in the same school.

"Right then," Urahara said, slamming his hand on the big red button. "Opereshon sutato!"

"Why did you say it like that?" Yoruichi asked.

"It's in my contract! I'm required to shout in gratuitous Engrish every now and again."

Yoruichi just sighed. Reality was weird, and sometimes it was just best not to question it.

In the next instant, our young heroes-to-be Bambietta, Candice, Meninas, Giselle and Liltotto all appeared at the far end of the room where a teleporter just so happened to be hooked up. It was hell on the company electricity bill, but it looked _really cool_.

"Oh good, no turbulence this time," Urahara said. "Last time I used that thing I got half a person. That's not a lawsuit I care to remember or revisit!"

"Hey! What the hell?" Candice shouted. "Who are you people? Where are we?"

"My name is Kisuke Urahara," Urahara said approaching them with a grin. "And you five have been personally selected to be a superhero squadron!"

"Like hell!" Bambietta shouted. "Send us back right now! I have a date in ten minutes!"

"But New York is in danger. We need your help!"

"My date is in danger, you perverted looking old man!" Bambietta snapped, jabbing her index finger in his general direction.

"Hey!" Urahara exclaimed, offended. "I'm only in my twenties, thank you very much."

Yoruichi walked over to the girls and patted Urahara on the shoulder as she passed him by. "I'll handle this, Kisuke," she said.

"Who's the bitch with no taste in fashion?" Candice sneered.

"My name's not important to you right now, little lady," Yoruichi said. "What _is_ important," she said holding up a small box of rings and extending them in the quintet's general direction, "is that you put on these rings and put them to good use."

"Why the hell should we do that?" Bambietta asked.

"Because if you don't you'll never make it to your date on time," Yoruichi said.

"Ooooh, you drive a hard bargain," Bambietta responded, "but now." She folded her arms and closed her eyes. "Send us back. We're not interested. Right girls?" The others nodded their heads. They all knew each other and they were all friends—because of course they were. Bambietta was the unofficial leader of her small dysfunctional group of friends so she tended to speak for them collectively. Does this sound like an overly convenient info dump to you? Well, f**k off!

"Oh well, that's a shame, because aside from the magic transformation rings," Yoruichi said. "You girls won't get all the donuts you can eat."

While the prospect of saving tens of thousands of lives, making a real difference, and being admired heroes had no appeal whatsoever to our five psychopaths-

"Hey! Shut the fuck up! None of us have been diagnosed by a psychiatrist, and claiming we're psychopaths is defamation! I'll fucking sue you, you piece of shit narrator!" Candice snapped.

-ahem, _heroes_, the notion of free sweets moved something at the core of their hearts. Man or woman, nobody can resist empty calories with a sugary taste, even from complete strangers trying to make shady business deals.

Liltotto started drooling. "Donuts…"

Bambietta opened one eye. "What _kind_ of Donuts?"

"Filled. Creamy. Glazed. Whatever kind you want, as many as you want. We have a donut machine in the break room. Cost us a fortune, but totally worth it."

"Well then," Bambietta said with a devilish grin, "I believe we'll need to retract our earlier stance." Without a word, each girl grabbed a ring from the box and slipped them on. "So how the hell do these crackerjack prizes work?"

"Just say the color of the ring and what's inscribed on the band and presto! Instant transformation!"

Grinning at each other, each teen gave their new power a try, starting with Bambietta. "Red—"

"Wait!" Yoruichi declared. "You also have to strike a cool pose and do a whole transformation sequence."

"Why?" Bambietta asked.

"It's in the job description."

Bambietta sighed. "Ugh, fine." She extended her arm out in front of her. "Red Wyvern!" she shouted.

"Yellow Roc!" Candice cried out crossing her arm over her body, bringing her hand by her face and tipping down her baseball cap ever so slightly with the other hand.

"Blue Bear!" Liltotto declared tilting her wrist so that her hand pointed down.

"Pink Tiger!" Meninas exclaimed happily thrusting her arm that didn't have the ring on it high into the air, while holding the other hand close to her chin.

"Black Cobra," Giselle hissed, rubbing her hand devilishly under her chin with a sinister grin.

Instantly the clothes on each girl vaporized instantaneously and they were coated in light the same color as their rings as new clothes appeared on them. Each uniform consisted of a peaked cap with a color that matched the ring and had an insignia of the animal each girl's ring represented.

For Giselle her uniforms had a coat so bulky her wrists were hidden by the sleeves, with jeans and sneakers. Liltottos was similar, but she had a short sleeved t-shirt instead of the bulky coat. She also had a bangle on her right wrist. The color of the clothing matched both girls' respective rings. However, Bambietta, Candice and Meninas were sporting a cropped tube top, a pair of civvies, wrist length gloves and high heels. Everything except the gloves matched their rings. The gloves were white.

"What the fuck, asshole?" Candice shouted, grabbing Urahara by the lapels of his shirt.

"What's the matter? You look very fashionable," Urahara complimented.

"Fashionable, nothing! I look like a whore!" Candice raged. "Seriously? How is anyone expected to fight in high heels, you pervert?"

"Bambi-chan looks so amazing," Giselle cooed. "Aahh, I'm getting wet."

The author would like to clarify, for the record, that he does not think lesbianism an/or bisexuality is a bad thing, nor something that should generally be associated with delinquents, violence, or criminals.

"Pssht no need to be a PC sissyboy about it," Giselle scoffed. "What's the matter afraid of a little lawsuit? I can take care of that for you."

It's Fine! Thank you!

"Honestly it's not that bad," Meninas said, groping her bust.

"Can it, you soft-spoken sadist!" Candice continued to rage.

"Well it's not like you'll be doing much running, really," Yoruichi said. "You all can fly while transformed."

"Ooohh," Candice said, tilting her head back, "That _totally_ makes up for everything! NO IT DOESN'T!" She pointed at her ring. "This ring is sexist! Change my outfit now, or I'll leave an angry blog post on tumblr, and then I'll call Anita Sarkeesian! She'll cause a bigger internet flame war than your shitty company can handle!"

"You don't look that bad, Candy-chan," Bambietta chuckled. "Besides, think of what the boys will say when they see us."

"They'll think we're starving for attention," Candice grumbled putting her hands in her pockets. "Although," her mind drifted towards one boy in particular. His name was Grimmjow Jaegerjaques. He was a college student and a badass biker and part of garage band. Even though he was abusive, had a history of drug dealing, assault, battery and suspected murder, and used guyliner. He also had amazing abs, and that was enough to convince Candice that secretly Grimmjow was a tortured soul who just needed the gentle touch of a woman with a great rack to bring out his inner good-but-not-too-good side. He probably just had a bad childhood, and that made it totally okay, and pretty much loveable. "I wonder if Grimmjow-senpai would like the new me."

"Hmmmmm, Candy-chan's embarrassed by her skimpy clothes one minute, and ready to use them the next," Giselle piped up. "Candy-chan is so inconsistent."

"What was that, you little bitch?" Candice growled, suddenly forming lightning in the palm of her hand. She then stared at the lightning, forgetting Giselle's comment. "Oh, hey check it out!"

"Each one of you has a unique power that will help you—"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, you don't need to drill it all home," Candice said. "I think we got it."

"Good!" Urahara shouted. "Cause from now on you're going to be called the Mahou Shoujo Niji Tenshi. In English that's Magical Girl Rainbow Angels!"

"Sounds like the name to a really dumb anime," Liltotto said.

"Or a bad fanfiction," Giselle added. Everyone in the room looked at the narrator.

…What?

"Yeah, the name sucks," Candice said. "From now on we're called the Honey Badgers, because we don't give a fuck! All in favor?"

"Aye!" The others cheered.

"Uh, that's not—" Urahara protested, but was ignored.

"Take us out, fearless leader," Candice said, tipping her hat to Bambietta with a smirk.

"Honey Badgers! Away!"

WHOOSH!

CRASH!

All five girls burst through the ceiling in an instant and then flew out west.

"UH! Girls! New York's the other way!" Urahara shouted. "…oh whatever, I'm sure they heard me." He went back to his seat. "Go get the intern and get him to fix that huge hole in the ceiling."

"Why do I have to do it?" Yoruichi asked.

Urahara changed the channel as an episode of Doctor Who was in progress, with the Doctor showing off his flashy coat, and talking fast in a very British accent. "That's why."

"Ugh, you and your stupid Sci-fi show!"

"Don't you dare mock the oldest and greatest sci fi show of all time!"

Freaking nerds...

* * *

**Beverly Hills, California**

Upon arriving at their home town, each girl- predictably- immediately began abusing their power for their own benefit.

Candice started by slinging thunderbolts _everywhere,_ zapping innocent bystanders just for the thrill of it. "Run, bitches RUN! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Candice laughed satanically, as people ran away in fear.

Giselle immediately started by summoning a chainsaw, and began chasing people through the city with it. She was followed by an armada of skeletons armed with swords and shields that she had just created out of thin air. "Wait! Don't run!" Giselle shouted at the people fleeing from her. "I promise it'll only hurt for a second!"

Bambietta created a pair of energy wings, and immediately began bombarding every Starbucks she could find with energy bomb blasts. "You're coffee is terrible and overpriced!" she shouted. As stated previously, Bambietta solved most of her problems with explosions. Meanwhile, a certain movie director was fapping furiously from afar.

Liltotto wandered into the nearest supermarket, stood in front of the candy aisle and opened her mouth. She then began to inhale bags and bags of food, swallowing everything wrapper and all. She then belched loudly. As she wiped her mouth, she said aloud, "Note to self, wrappers do not taste good." You'd think that'd be common sense, but this story tends to defy that when it's convenient.

In the ensuing chaos, Meninas ran through the streets, doing her best to try and help the endangered citizens.

She lifted the car off of a poor, helpless adult male. She then tossed the car up and away, which only wound up flying into the nearby national park, and smashing a young couple making out on a park bench.

…okay she was _trying_ to help the endangered citizens.

Meninas ripped a high-rise corporate building out of its foundation and asked the people on the ground floor, "Excuse me, does anyone here need any assistance, or leaking any bodily fluids?" Meninas just got a wide eyed, stunned stare from everyone on the ground floor while she could hear screams from the upper floors of the building she was holding. She glanced up. "Oh, goodness me," she gasped and put the building down with a powerful SLAM!

…it's the thought that counts?

* * *

**At a remote location**

**On a deserted island**

As the quintet continued to terrorize Beverly Hills, Ikumi returned from her coffee break. "So, did you guys do what I asked?"

"Yup, all taken care of," Urahara said.

"And you're watching them, right?" Ikumi said.

"Yeeeup."

Ikumi waltzed around Urahara and when she saw he was watching Doctor Who, spun his chair around, punched him in the face and turned the news back on.

"You monster!" Urahara cried, feverishly attempting to get the remote back from a merciless Ikumi, "now I'll never know if he manages to defeat the aliens or not!"

"It gets hairy, the earth is almost destroyed, but at the last moment he finds a way to miraculously save the day while talking fast and Britishly."

Urahara gasped. "How DARE you spoil that plot for me!"

"That's _every episode!_" Yoruichi groaned.

"I don't _care_ about your stupid show! What are our new heroes doing?"

"The giant monster continues its unimpeded rampage through New York City. At this rate, the entirety of the city could be destroyed," the monotone reporter reported. "Back to you, Will."

"Thank you, Karen," said Faux News host Will O'Raily. "Now clearly, this is a terrible situation. But what is Obama doing about it? I'll tell you what- this kaiju was probably immigrated illegaly because it heard about his socialist welfare, and wanted to mooch off of our system! Thanks, Obama!"

Ikumi was furious.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Urahara exclaimed, waving his arms back and forth. "We did get five teenagers with attitude! Honest!"

"Where. Are. They?" Ikumi demanded to know.

Urahara pressed a few buttons on his dashboard. "Right! Found them!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGH!"

The members of the Unagiya Corporation were treated to multiple angle spy camera footage of civilians running screaming from Bambietta and the others.

"Wait!" Giselle cried entering the background only to disappear just as soon carrying a giant pair of hedge clippers. "I just want your fingers! Honest!"

Bambietta and Candice were in the foreground. Candice was shooting things with her lightning out of sight, while Bambietta was raining down her energy bombs into the background with her back to the spy cameras.

Meninas appeared inches in front of the camera, and looked puzzlingly right into it, hunched over given the camera was aimed up from a low altitude. She then stood up straight, and smacked the camera with her boobs so hard it went sailing into the sky, and disintegrated when it entered the vaccum of space.

"You two are idiots! I said to get five teenagers with attitude! What have you done?"

"They _are_ five teenagers with attitude," Urahara told Unagiya. "I said you would've been better off with model, upstanding citizens."

"Those aren't five teenagers with attitude! Those are monsters!"

"Now that's just insulting!" Yoruichi exclaimed. "I know plenty of monsters, and only two of them are moody teenage girls."

"You're missing the point!" Unagiya shouted. "Did you even tell them they had a mission?" Yoruichi and Urahara exchanged uncomfortable glances. "Ugh!" Unagiya slapped her forehead. "Look, I'm going back home for a bit to pick up my son from school and drop him off at home with our nanny. When I get back, I _expect_ results! If that monster isn't dead or at least being fought you two will be _paying_ to work for me. _Do I make myself clear?_"

"Crystal!" Yoruichi and Urahara shouted in unison.

* * *

**One Hour Later…**

**Beverly Hills**

Bored of their reign of terror, Bambietta, Candice, Liltotto, Meninas, and Giselle were loafing around a children's playground. Liltotto was devouring one in the first of a stack of hamburgers so tall it was a wonder where she put it all since she wasn't—and never—gained weight or filled out. Bambietta was watching fiddling with the remote to a portable TV she had stolen from Walmart.

Giselle was sitting around, still doing her best to clean the blood off her uniform, until a familiar, giant tarantula crawled onto her head. "Oh, there you are, Mitzy!" The tarantula purred.

"Say, girls," Meninas said as she stood up in front of her friends, "wasn't there something we were supposed to do with our powers?"

As she said this, Bambietta finally got the TV to work and it was a news station. "In other news, the giant monster attacking New York is leaving New York and is headed for Philadelphia."

As Candice lay bored out of her skull with her back against a slab of concrete, she tilted her neck up to look at the others and said nonchalantly, "Hey, anyone wanna go fight a giant monster?"

"Sure!"  
"Eh."  
"I don't see why not."  
"That will be fun!" Meninas exclaimed, Bambietta shrugged, Liltotto agreed and Giselle declared.

"Cool beans," Candice said as she stood up and dusted off her ankles. "Honey Badgers, away!" Candice flew off into the air.

"Hey!" Bambietta shouted. "I thought that was my catchphrase!"

* * *

**New York City**

As the giant reptile bear continued to push over buildings and burn cars, he was suddenly struck with a multitude of explosions to his back. But, of course, being a Kaiju this did little more than get his attention. He turned around to see the Mahou Shoujo Niji Tenshi behind him all grouped together with faces of varying degrees of sadism.

"Hey you abomination against nature!" Candice shouted. "My eyes are up here!"

The kaiju, unbeknownst to the girls, was actually gay, and not the slightest bit interested. He did give them a wicked, red-eyed, and incredibly sassy glare, though.

"All right girls, who votes we teach this sack of shit how we do things back in Beverly Hills?" Candice asked.

"Aye~!"

Bambietta was the first to attack. She folded her wings over her body and then unfolded them, letting out hundreds if not thousands of tiny explosive blasts, only half of which actually hit her target. The rest slammed into cars, trucks, the street and other automobiles and even a few bystanders that happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time.

Still, the damage was enough that it gave the kaiju lots of puncture wounds and knocked it to the ground on its stomach.

"Bambi-chan! You're supposed to call out your attack when you use it!" Liltotto exclaimed as the kaiju began to get back up.

"What? Why? That's stupid! That's just giving the enemy a chance to react! That's dumber than just standing around and waiting for your enemy to power up while he screams like a maniac!"

"I read somewhere that if you call out your attack, it's like ten to a thousand times stronger or something like that," Liltotto said.

"Really? Okay let me try again," Bambietta said and did the same motion as before just as the kaiju was rearing up to attack her. "Red Wyvern Barrage!"

This time, the blasts increased by the size of a shopping cart, and the explosions were that much more intense. The kaiju was sent tumbling to the ground.

"Ooooh, nice!" Candice admired. "Let me try that." She wound up her arm with a beach ball sized ball of lightning in her hand. "Pitcher's Thunderbolt!" She zapped the giant kaiju with her attack just as it was getting back up, electrifying its entire body and sending it to the ground again.

"Agh! Candice! You have to start all of your attacks with Yellow Roc, otherwise it doesn't work," Liltotto told her.

"What? That's stupid! Where did you hear that?"

Liltotto held up a small booklet that said _**Beginner's Guide to Being a Magical Girl Rainbow Angel**_. "I read the manual on the flight over here."

"Pssht, no one ever reads the manuals," Giselle scoffed.

"I didn't even know we had a manual," Bambietta said dryly.

"There's always a manual!" Liltotto said. "Nobody would be dumb enough to send five teenagers on a dangerous mission without any sort of instructions… right?"

A rather telling wind blew through the awkward silence and a million magical girls screamed out in agony as they banged their heads against the wall and were suddenly silenced.

Or that could've just been the hundreds of people currently being roasted alive by the reptile bear kaiju.

"Oh, right, he's still alive, isn't he?" Candice asked rhetorically. She flew around in front of him. "Hey, buddy!" she exclaimed. "You can't just go around eating people when we're having a conversation. That's against the rules!"

The kaiju breathed its hot fire breath in Candice's face. Normally this would result in reducing his target to a skeleton, but being a magical girl—and a protagonist—left Candice with little more than a few ash marks and mild annoyance.

"MY HAIR!"

Oh, and a bad hair day.

"My gorgeous, voluminous, perfect blonde hair! You scorched it, you fucking asshole! Oh, I am so going to make you hurt!" Slapping her hand down, Candice declared, "Yellow Roc Divine Lightning!"

A damning thunder clap shattered the sound barrier as it blasted the kaiju with so much electricity it could've powered an entire city in Arkansas. Quite a waste, really.

"Bite me," Candice said to the narrator with a glazed look.

As the kaiju got up, it started to cry.

"You girls are so mean!"

"Awww, he's crying," Meninas said, flying over to the giant reptile bear. She patted it on the shoulder, but her immense strength caused her to push the giant monster forward with every tap. "There, there," she said. "It's okay."

"No it's not!" the monster sobbed. "I have a homework assignment from kaiju school. I have to destroy a city. It's like a coming of age ceremony. If I don't pass it, I'll never become a full-fledged kaiju."

"Tell it to someone who cares," Candice declared and zapped the creature with another Yellow Roc Divine Lightning.

This, however, only served to piss the creature off as it grew in size and swatted Candice out of the air.

"Candice!" Meninas exclaimed. She puffed up her cheeks in anger. "Bad monster!" she declared and punched it in the face, sending it flying through several buildings where upon its arms knocked over two more buildings each, and its tail three more as it made to get up.

As Candice got up and out of the building she roared at the monster, "Okay, that's it! No more Mrs Nice Guy! Not that I'm a Mister! Or nice! Or a guy! But you get the fuckin' point! You're going down, asshole!"

"Better leave this one to me, Candy-chan!" Bambietta said as she appeared in front of Candice, piloting a humongous mecha, tall as a skyscraper, blue, and looking like a dangerous gypsy.

"Where the hell did you get a giant robot?" Candice exclaimed.

"From out of my cleavage," Bambietta answered.

"YOU'RE WEARING A CROPPED SHIRT!"

"Silly Candy-chan," Giselle said, "Everybody knows a woman's cleavage is an unlimited hyper dimension that almost anything can be pulled out of." She reached into her coat and pulled out her tarantula Mitzy. "See? It's bigger on the inside!"

"That is the dumbest fucking shit I've ever heard. You don't even have breasts, you underdeveloped psychopath."

"Maybe not," Giselle said as she put Mitzy on her head. "But it's enough to admire Bambi-chan's voluptuous body." She drooled a little.

"Girl, see a therapist," Candice said.

"That's it! Blowing it up!" Bambietta shouted. She couldn't take much more of this. She ejected from her mecha, and it morphed into a giant gun so ridiculously large and overly large and complicated that even the biggest ammosexual NRA member would have thought of it as big enough to compensate for his absurdly small penis. How she was able to hold a gun the size of a skyscraper was anybody's guess- gravity was probably on vacation. Or just staying away out of common sense. "Bombs Away!" Pulling the strangely normal sized trigger for such a large hand cannon, a plethora of rockets, missiles, and explosive cannonballs went sailing towards the Kaiju that, this time, had been politely letting the girls talk things out- it would just be _rude_ to attack mid conversation, and he was a nice kaiju whose mother had taught him the virtues of politeness-and she blasted it into oblivion. Somehow, though, that didn't stop him from eating innocent civilians earlier. …his mother died when he was six. Don't judge him!

Bambietta's weapon also blew up several dozen buildings from the explosion, but it's not like she and the others were paying for property damage.

"Victory!" Bambietta exclaimed thrusting one hand into the air as she dropped her giant cannon, which, due to gravity suddenly returning, slammed onto the street and crushed two dozen pedestrians, but nobody cared because people without a name were about as interesting and important as saltine crackers.

All the girls gathered together and thrust their hands up into the air, wrists touching. "Go Honey Badgers!" they shouted together.

* * *

**At a remote location**

**On a deserted island**

"See?" Urahara said to Unagiya. "They got the job done."

"They destroyed half of New York!"

"Can't argue with results!"

"They _**destroyed **__half of __**New York**_!"

"But they killed the giant monster!" Urahara pointed out.

"They caused billions in damages! They killed more people than the kaiju, and..." Ikumi shrieked, on the verge of a mental breakdown of pure rage.

"Are you _sure_ they aren't just charming mavericks who know how to break the rules to get the job done that needs doing?" Urahara said deviously.

"_Yes!"_

With a flick of his thumb, Urahara turned on Faux News.

"And here you can see," Will O'Raily said, "how these five heroic girls saved New York from the socialist immigrant monster that tried to took our freedom, steal our jobs, and trample on the American way! God bless America!"

Urahara smirked triumphantly.

Ikumi's rage pent up and she shouted as loudly as she could and actually began having a mental breakdown. Yoruichi got out her Iphone and began playing _Combine Harvester_ by The Wurzels. She then began filming her boss' breakdown. "This is going to look great on YouTube."

And so the day was saved thanks to

_The Mahou Shoujo Niji Tenshi!_

"Honey Badgers!" The girls all shouted in unison in victory.

**END**

* * *

**(A/N: I really don't know what I was thinking with this. I just hoped you guys laughed. Anyway, I only had an idea for this to be a pilot—and about two more chapters—unless you guys **_**really**_** want to see more. Just know that to keep myself from forgoing this thing for other projects, I have to keep each chapter self-contained. Special thanks to my pals The Real Brick, Vogoshinki, and GreatKingRat88 for helping me breathe life into this ridiculous idea, especially to GKR for betaing this insane idea. Please leave in your review if you think I should do more. Ja ne!)**


	2. Episode 2

**(A/N: Even though nobody asked for it yet, I already made a sequel chapter because the jokes just keep coming. I think I only have enough material for this chapter and the next. After that I'm going to need major support if you guys want any more).**

Disclaimer: Bleach is owned by Tite Kubo

* * *

**Beverly Hills, California**

We find our heroes meandering through the halls of their high school, on the way to their homeroom. They walked together, as all right and proper bands of five did. The sun was outside shining, and it was a new day in the lives of the Mahou Shoujo Niji Ten—

"Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Wait a minute!" Bambietta exclaimed, interrupting the narrator, holding her arms up in protest.

"What's wrong, Bambi-chan?" Giselle asked her.

"How long has it been after that giant monster attack from the last chapter?"

"I dunno," Candice shrugged. "Time doesn't really tend to flow in these types of series. It's always warm weather, and nobody ever grows up. _Thanks, Obama_."

"That joke is _so_ last chapter," Giselle remarked.

Other things Obama is responsible for includes: world hunger, Justin Bieber, the second world war, the sacking of Rome, and black death.

"Has it occurred to any of you that we might be living in some strange temporal loop, where the status quo is continuously maintained by imaginary time?" Everyone looked at Liltotto with a strange and mystified look. She shrugged. "I read a lot of Stephen Hawking. What do you want from me?"

"Did you have a point, Bambietta?" Candice snapped at her.

"My point was: shouldn't you be in jail right now?"

"Oh, you mean that scrap from last chapter? It's nothing to worry about," Candice said as she held up her index finger triumphantly. "I called Saul. I'm off the hook."

"Oh, that's who I always call when I'm in trouble!" Giselle exclaimed happily. "You won't believe how easy it is to get acquitted for feeding somebody their own parents cooked into meat pies when you call Saul!"

Candice, Bambietta, and Liltotto all gave Giselle estranged, distanced looks and inched away from her towards the wall.

"What? What did I say?" Giselle asked, sounding genuinely curious.

Meninas stared at the ceiling, tapping her finger to her chin. "Oh, I hope you didn't hurt his parents too badly," she said. "I hope the pies were at least delicious."

At that moment the jury from last chapter came back with a verdict: sadist. And definitely psychotic.

"Oh, I thought they came out perfectly, but that little snot I fed them too kept whining for his mom and dad, even after I told him that what was left of them was in the pies. Some people are just impossible to please."

"I'm gonna regret asking this, but what happened to the rest of them?" Candice asked. As if on cue, Mitzy burped. How does a tarantula burp? Best not to question it.

Because the plot clearly wasn't going anywhere anytime soon, the author decided to kick it in the ass to get it off the couch. It immediately then manifested in the story, in the form of our heroes getting warped to Unagiya corp immediately.

"Hey! What the hell gives?" Candice shouted. "Are you trying to give us nausea _and_ whiplash?"

"Shut up!" The voice of Unagiya resounded through the air as she stepped in front of her new employees.

"Who's the broad with the cow udders?" Candice inquired in a bored tone, pointing at Unagiya with her index finger.

"What was that, you little brat?" Unagiya snarled.

"What's the matter, werecow? Should I not make boob jokes at your expense?" Candice sneered, getting right in Unagiya's face. Unagiya made a fist, and with almost superhuman speed sucker-punched Candice in the cheek. As Candice sat up after going spiraling to the floor she exclaimed, while holding her cheek, "Hey! You can't do that to me! I'm a protagonist, _and_ an underage girl!"

"Silly goose, according to double standards, it's okay if the abuser is a woman!" Unagiya snapped spiritedly, "And I can do whatever I want to you brats! You're my bitches to dictate instructions to as I please."

"When the fuck did we agree to that?" Candice asked.

"You're wearing my company's rings, duh," Unagiya said.

"Oh, if that's all, then I quit," Candice said, standing up and handing Unagiya her ring.

"Sorry," Unagiya said with a smile that only aimed to twist the knife further as she put the ring back on Candice's finger. "But I don't allow voluntary terminations. Even if I did you'd have to give me a two weeks' notice. And since we live in a world where imaginary time constantly maintains the status quo, that's impossible."

"I knew it!" Liltotto exclaimed.

"Oh? Is that how it's gonna be? All right, watch me go! Yellow Roc!" Candice activated her powers, flew straight up into the air and banged her head harshly against the ceiling. "Oww, what the fucking bullshit is this? We crashed through it with ease last time!"

"I had the ceiling and walls reinforced with a material stronger than plot armor. We asked Superman and the Incredible Hulk to try and break it. Neither one could."

"Wait, if we live in the same universe as Superman and the Hulk then why the hell do you need us?" Liltotto asked.

"Obviously for all of the sex appeal," Giselle exclaimed.

"You have about as much sex appeal as a two-by-four, Gigi," Bambietta said dryly.

"Not to the lolicons, I don't," Giselle responded cheerily. "And the same goes for futa fetishists."

Bambietta gave her a puzzled look. "Wait, what? You're a-"

"Don't you dare try and classify me according to your binary ideas of gender identity, you filthy cisgendered person, or I will kill you in the name of feminism," Giselle said, still cheery.

"I don't think feminism is about murdering people who disagree with you." Said Meninas. "Although, there is an appeal to that idea..."

"Really?" Giselle said. "I guess I must have been doing it wrong all this time."

"..._anyway_," Bambietta said with a disturbed, not-going-to-go-there-ever look on her face, "you were saying?"

"To be perfectly honest," Unagiya said, "you five are a mistake, but now I'm stuck with you."

"Hey! You can't treat us like an unwanted birth that couldn't become an abortion!" Bambietta exclaimed, whining.

"Yes I can and I can do so legally, under the Amoral Corporatocracy Clause of owning anything if you have enough money. Capitalism is greater than human rights." She grinned. "You brats are now my property, and my responsibility, so get fucking used to it."

"You make us sound like slave laborers!" Candice complained, and frowned.

"You wouldn't be if you didn't cause so much property damage. You're lucky my income is enough to buy several third world countries, or my corporation would've gone under last chapter. Thanks a whole fucking lot for that, you trigger happy harlots!" Unagiya yelled, flipping our heroes off.

"You're welcome!" Giselle exclaimed happily.

"Wait, harlots?" Candice shouted. "The fuck, you bitch?"

"You might as well be, with the way your uniform is oriented."

"OH, THAT IS IT!" Candice raged, imbuing both hands with lightning. "I AM SO GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS!"

The others watched as Candice fought valiantly against her boss…

Well, if "valiantly" meant "being totally dominated, and not in a good, kinky kind of way". You'd never have thought a normal corporate executive would have that kind of physical ability- you'd almost think she had access to the dark side of the fo-

"Or maybe she just takes karate classes!" Unagiya shouted, and flung a frying pan- drawn out of god knows what kind of hammerspace- right into the narrator's poor face.

Ouch! How the hell does she cross through the fourth wall like that? We'll never know!

Unagiya cracked her knuckles as she stood over the defeated Candice. Who, surprisingly, got up looking just fine- everyone watching had been sure they had seen punch after punch land on her face, but besides some lines of dirt on her face and shirt, she looked barely affected at all. Especially, of course, her posterior and mammaries, which were practically gleaming. Maybe Giselle had had a point about sex appeal...

"Anybody else want to bring a complaint to customer service?" Unagiya asked, cracking her shook their heads. "Didn't think so. So, I've got another assignment for all of you. We have another monster attack. This one's in Miami. Go and kill it. The losses of hundreds of thousands of lives are at stake."

"Don't you mean hundreds of thousands of innocent lives?" Meninas asked.

"You ever _been_ to Miami?" Unagiya asked.

"Fair point," Meninas responded.

"Why such interest in people? I thought you were a business woman," Giselle said.

"I _am_ a business woman," Unagiya answered. "That doesn't mean I don't have a heart."

"But I thought you were two steps away from becoming a James Bond villain and were only interested in protecting your assets."

"Where the hell did you get a crazy idea like that?" Unagiya asked.

"From the narrator last chapter," Giselle answered.

"Oh, right, that guy. Let's just say I had a heart to heart with him. And my seven best lawyers. We'll just see about defamation. Right?"

Sure. Um... but, you do realize that this whole corporate slave owning thing doesn't exactly make you look _less_ like a sith lord slash bond villain?

"You'll be quiet, or I'll force choke- I mean, forcefully choke all of your assets. With lawyers."

...I'll be good.

"So why exactly should we kill this thing? It's not like the human race couldn't use a little pruning every now and again," Liltotto remarked. "Besides, the last one was just trying to get through school."

"Because if you _don't_, I'm going to make you watch School Days with me."

All five girls gasped with horror. "You _wouldn't_!" Bambietta shouted. "That's a crime against humanity! The UN declared it cruel and unusual torture last year!"

"Try me," Unagiya said, pulling the DVD out of her cleavage.

"NO! IT BURNS! I can't bear to look at it!" Giselle responded. Even _she_ thought the series was repulsive. Now for those of you not familiar with the title, you have my sincerest condolences for the following knowledge. For those of you familiar with it: you have my deepest sympathies. For those of you unaware, School Days is a horrible anime which reaches levels of bad so high, even Fifty Shades of Gray and Twilight are lagging behind. Do not watch it, ever, if you value your sanity. How bad is it? Well, even Giselle- who, as previously established, had a condition where saying she had "issues" was like saying Hannibal Lecter had an eating disorder- might enjoy things like homicide, torture, and bathing in the blood of the innocents, would find that series plain _tasteless._

"We're going! We're going!" Candice exclaimed.

"Before we do," Meninas spoke up. "Where are Mr. Urahara and the black woman that work here?"

"She's not black, she's Indian. As in, person from India. I think. "Yoruichi Shihoin" sounds Indian, right?" Unagiya said ponderingly.

"I thought she just had a really strong tan," Bambietta said, frowning confusedly.

"Isn't it possible she's just black in a way you haven't seen before?" Giselle offered.

"Or a strange genetic experiment devised especially for sparking angry internet discussions about race ambiguity?" Liltotto hypothesized.

"Anyways, second off," Unagiya continued, "they're fixing the donut machine. They're being punished for the gravest of crimes."

"Like what?" Bambietta asked. "Fraud? Stealing from the company? Murdering a girl after a sex act gone wrong and then covering it up?"

"Uploading a video of me to youtube," Unagiya said with a voice of cold steel, "and that is a crime greater than any of the above _by far_."

Suffice to say, having a skewed perspective on reality was not unique to our five psychop- erm, heroes.

"Well anyhow, we're _all_ suffering if that donut machine isn't fixed," Liltotto said.

"Yes, but normally I have interns for that," Unagiya added. "And since they have to fix the machine, it's my job to get you all on task."

"Well, we've certainly been chit-chatting an awfully long time," Bambietta said. "Don't you think we should get a move on before all of those civilians get eaten or killed?"

"Pfft," Unagiya scoffed. "Everyone knows the plot doesn't progress until the heroes arrive at it. Thousands of innocents- well, Miami citizens- will have died when you get there, whether you get there in an hour or in two days."

"Imaginary Time?" Bambietta asked with a groan.

"Imaginary time," Unagiya answered. "Now then," she pushed a big red button on the wall. A ventilation hole on another wall opened, revealing a sideways sky entrance. "Have a safe trip."

"Right!" Bambietta exclaimed. "Red Wyvern!"

"Blue Bear!"

"Pink Tiger!"

"Black Cobra."

"Candice, why didn't you… oh right, you're already transformed," Bambietta said.

"Well, of course," Liltotto said, "We need to have _some_ consistency in this universe. That's storytelling 101."

"Uh… huh. Storytelling. Right." Bambietta said, unconvinced. She then cleared her throat, thrust her arm into the air and shouted, "Honey Badgers, away!" The team flew out and into the sky, taking off for Miami.

"Wait… honey badgers?" Unagiya said, sounding puzzled.

* * *

**Miami, Florida**

When the girls finally arrived on site, they found their target, a furry orange monster with a big nose jabbing out from its face, its eyes and mouth obscured by all the hair on it, was rampaging through the city with its big, clunky, warty claws.

"Dibs on not fighting it- one, two, three, not it!" Liltotto exclaimed.

"Not it!" Bambietta shouted.

"Not it!" Giselle shouted.

"Not it!" Meninas shouted.

"Not—" Candice started only to realize she was last. "Ah, fuck!" She flew off towards the monster with her loyal, fight-refusing nakama close by, but still trailing behind her. "Hey, asshole!" Candice shouted when she got within range. The monster turned its head to look at her. "Special delivery! Yellow Roc Thunderball!" She attacked the monster, whacking it over the head, but all it seemed to do was statically charge it.

"Listen up, you flaming lesbians!" The monster shouted. "Not that there's anything with that sort of thing, I don't have a problem with gay people, in fact some of my best friends are gay, and I'd never discriminate against any city I'm destroying based on sexual orientation...my name is Hairy Feet! You killed my senpai! Now he'll never notice me!"

"I'll tell you the same thing I told the last monster, tell it to someone who cares! Yellow Roc Divine Lightning!"

However, it turned out Candice's attack did absolutely nothing to the monster.

"Wait, your name is Hairy Feet?" Bambietta questioned, wincing.

"Ha!" Hairy Feet exclaimed. "I'm the anti-deus ex machina anti-protagonist monster that always appears in the second episode! I can only be defeated by Big Damn Heroes or the power of friendship, the latter of which you clearly lack!"

"Hey, fuck you!" Candice yelled, flipping off the creature. "We've got plenty of team spirit! Right, Meninas?"

Meninas suddenly pulled out her pompoms- undoubtedly from her larger-on-the-inside cleavage- and began cheering, "We've got spirit! Yes we do! We've got spirit, how about you?" Her breasts wobbled, not unlike a jelly pudding in slow motion.

"Why do your boobs bounce like that?" Bambietta asked. "Are they inflated or something?"

"Oh, it's because I have the biggest chest out of all of us, so 99% of the boob jokes get made at my expense. Don't worry, I'm fine with it. I choose to embrace my sexuality!"

"Wait, isn't that sexist?" Bambietta said quizzically.

"It's empowering!" Candice exclaimed cheerily.

"Or sexistly empowering!" Liltotto quipped.

"Man, feminism is really confusing," Bambietta murmured.

"It sure is!" Meninas said, waving her pom-poms further, bouncing her chest with gusto. She then followed up with a cheer of "Feminism! Feminism! Ra! Ra! Ra! Feminism! Feminism! La, di, da! Goooooo Feminism!" All the while her boobs continued to bounce around like flan being shot by bullets under a high speed camera.

"That's not fair! I want to have the biggest breasts!" Candice shouted. "I'm the sassy and foul-mouthed one, so I should ooze sex appeal!"

"Do _you_ have a 36G bust?" Meninas asked.

"Dammit!" Candice shouted in frustrated defeat. Her bust was only 36F.

"Why is your bust so damn huge?" Bambietta asked, hers only being 34E.

"It's an anime physics thing," Giselle said dismissively. "Sometimes your breasts are an F cup, sometimes a C, it all depends on how much the writers want to appeal to horny teenage boys."

"You'd think we would have severe back aches," Bambietta mumbled.

"Silly Bambi, these things are practically weightless!" Giselle exclaimed. "It's an anime physics thing. Don't question it."

"How would you know?" Candice asked, unamused. "You're only a 30B."

Having had enough with the comedy hour by the magical girls that killed his senpai, Hairy Feet swatted all of the girls out of the air with a strike of his talons, sending them towards the ground.

"Hey! That's not fair!" Bambietta shouted. "You can't attack us when we're having a conversation! That's against the rules!"

"Screw the rules, I'm a kaiju!"

As Hairy Feet prepared to stomp on our heroes, a blue arrow went sailing through the air and tore through Hairy Feet's fur. The shooter was a young man with chin length black hair with a bluish tint to it. He was wearing a pair of sunglasses and an all-white uniform, complete with a cape. He was carrying an intricately designed bow and arrow in his right hand, but strangely though, he had no quiver to speak of.

"O beautiful and faithful maidens of justice, the messenger on the arrow has arrived!" He exclaimed, "For I am he who protects the innocent lives of Miami and all who cry out for peace everywhere! I! AM! The White Cross With The Flawlessly Sewn Clothes! Let all evildoers know fear, and be bathed in the radiance of my glorious light and fabulous clothing, and know that justice is coming their way! I am the scourge of the wicked, the saving angel of the innocent, the helper of those in need, rescuer of the weak and ailing! I! AM! JUSTICE!"

"Whoa, what a dreamboat," Meninas cooed.

"Is this guy for real?" Bambietta remarked, unimpressed.

"What do you want, you pajama wearing pretty boy?" Hairy Feet asked The White Cross with the Flawlessly Sewn Clothes.

"Is that really what we're going to call him?" Candice asked.

"He's so dreamy," Meninas swooned. "I wonder if he has a girlfriend."

"Oh yeah, with fabulous clothes like those, I'm _sure_ a _girlf_riend is what he's looking for," Bambietta said sarcastically.

"Actually, sewing was traditionally a male profession in older times," Liltotto interjected. "The More You Know!"

"I bet he has abs," Meninas said dreamily, "and a really big cock." She stared at him with blatant lust, of a kind where if stares could strip people naked, The White Cross With The Flawlessly Sewn Clothes would be naked and chained to a bed.

"Both of you are not helping!" Candice snapped at her.

"What I want is justice! Justice all the lives you have taken and were going to take! Now taste the wrath of my bow and arrow!"

The White Cross unleashed a massive arrow from his bow that vanquished the monster in one attack. He then disappeared just as mysteriously as he had appeared in the first place.

"Well that was anti-climactic and uber convenient," Bambietta stated.

"Ditto," Candice remarked. "So as long as we have time to kill, who's up for going to Universal Studios and Disney World?"

"Aye~!"

* * *

**Beverly Hills**

Student council vice-president, Uryu Ishida, was just closing his locker before heading for his homeroom. He had a lot of work to do today, just like every other day in his life: heading the sewing club, managing the student council's affairs, studying, doing origami, doing all his homework twice, especially math (because you had to let yourself have _some_ fun), tending to the school garden, striking dramatic and aloof poses which made 95% of all girls (and 5% of boys) swoon, act cold and professional in such a way that he seemed like he was really a sensitive soul who put up a cold front because of his tragic past (which wasn't really tragic, but that was beside the point), make lunch, fight off bullies, and working on ending world hunger.

As Uryu turned away from his locker, he came face to face with Bambietta Basterbine. Her nakama were off a bit away from her, but still within Uryu's line of sight. "Can I help you, Miss Basterbine?" The bespectacled, black haired youth with a bluish tint, asked as he adjusted his glasses, looking at Bambietta condescendingly.

"Yeah, you can start by putting these on," Bambietta said, switching Uryu's glasses for sunglasses.

"Ah, hey!" he protested.

"Aha! I knew it!" Bambietta said, deductively pointing her index finger at Uryu. "You're The White Cross!"

"I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about," Uryu said, taking his glasses back. He then adjusted them slyly with his middle finger.

"Don't play dumb! I know it's you! You didn't even bother to distort your voice, you moron! And your hair is exactly the same! God damn it, if you're going to be a secret crime fighter, at least put some effort into your disguise!"

"But… but, that's…" Uryu was cornered like a rat, with its foot caught in a trap.

"Aha! I knew it!" Bambietta exclaimed.

Meninas gasped. "He is? But Uryu's so white, pasty, dorky and nerdy! He's a total skinny geek with bad teeth and bony ankles and totally un-sexy hair,and The White Cross with the Flawlessly Sewn Clothes is so…not any of that."

"Girl, what planet do you live on?" Candice asked, dumbfounded by Meninas' selective obliviousness.

At this, the courts petitioned to appeal the previous verdict on Meninas being a sadist.

"But that's not fair! No one knows that you're the Mahou Shoujo Niji Tenshi, the lovely beautiful maidens I've sworn to protect with my very life!"

"Fair's for losers," Bambietta said dismissively, spitting in his general direction, "now how the hell did you happen to find us?"

"I, er," Uryu said, sweating a little, "I was erm, offered a very generous deal by Miss Unagiya."

"That means he was blackmailed," Giselle said, nodding knowingly.

"I was not!" Uryu snapped. "Miss Unagiya is a wonderful person, who would never do such a thing! She especially did not threaten me or members of my family with a really horrible anime!"

"Does she have her own red light saber?" Bambietta said sarcastically.

"How did you know?!" Uryu said, flinching.

"Wait, she does? I was just kidding."

"Maybe she really is a sith lord, whatever that is," Meninas said innocently.

"I think she'd kill you for saying that," Candice said dryly.

"still, what are we supposed to do now?" Uryu said. "You're not supposed to know about my identity just like no one in school is supposed to know about yours."

"Hmm," Bambietta said, tapping a finger to her chin. "What does the manual say, Liltotto?"

"Exactly what he said, Bambi-chan."

"Then we need to rectify this immediately!" Bambietta exclaimed.

"How?" Uryu asked. "What are you going to do?"

All the girls- except Meninas- began letting out sinister chuckles. "Hey, come on Meninas," Giselle said. "You have to chuckle too, or it's no good."

"Oh, but I can't do that," Meninas said. "I'm physically incapable."

"Bullshit," Bambietta stated flat out.

"I can show you," Meninas said. She then proceeded to try and do a sinister chuckle only for it to sound like she was coughing and sneezing at the same time.

Everyone, including Uryu stared at Meninas as she looked disappointed in herself due to her failure. _SO MOE!_

* * *

So what was Bambietta's master plan? Take over the school in a fit of anarchy, of course. Why not? It's not like anyone was going to try and pick a fight with five magical girls. Besides, by her logic, if everyone knew about their identities, then there were really no identities to begin with.

After summarily executing the principal, and declaring themselves the new rulers of the school, it took roughly five minutes before half the school looked like it had been hit by a bombshell, Bambietta using her explosions to replicate Stalingrad during the second world war, or possibly making postmodern, really edgy art.

In the ensuing chaos, Giselle began hogtieing all of the bespectacled, moe freshmen with big boobs. Because, in her experience, nobody could scream and cry for mercy quite like a nerdy-looking, big-boobed schoolgirl. There was something about the whole moe thing that just made them irresistible to torment. It made all her girly parts tingle, which in reality translated to a raging stiffy, which may or may not be metaphorical.

Realizing how effective it was, Liltotto threatened most of the student body to hand over their lunch or she'd introduce them to her boss, who had access to the weapon of mass destruction known as School Days. She then demanded the cafeteria ladies make her an entire buffet. Liltotto was not without mercy though, and graciously forced the other students to sit and beg on their knees, for which they were rewarded with delicious crusts of bread, which were only halfway stale.

Meninas simply did what she always wanted to do at school: dive into the pool buck naked. She had a feeling that Grand Overseer Sarkeesian might disapprove, but fuck it- anarchy was all about doing whatever you wanted. Or something like that. She got some stares, but by some odd hentai logic, before long, most of everyone else had also stripped down naked. Anarchy fucking ruled!

As this was going on, Candice shook a yellow spray paint can and began spraying the words "Fuck the Police!" all over the western wall of the school, just as she had done in various other parts of the school in other colors.

"Really, Candice?" Bambietta asked, "Can't you come up with something a little more creative? I mean, everyone hates on the police, and I have no idea why. Sting is a great singer!"

"I'm making a statement, not a five paragraph essay!" Candice snapped.

"Just asking for a little variety," Bambietta shrugged.

"Oh, you want variety! I'll show you variety!" Candice exclaimed. Bambietta was floored, when Candice suddenly stripped off her civvies and panties.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!" Bambietta shouted. "We're going to get the MA rating for this!"

"No we're not," Candice said, and she started spray painting her behind. "Oooh, that's cold," she yelped, and then tapped her ass to the wall, before strapping on and rebuckling her pants back on. She then tagged, "Lolz, buttcheeks" with a backwards b and k next to her imprint. Clearly, she was the apex of maturity.

Bambietta stared blankly at Candice's handiwork as she juggled the paint can in her hand.

"Satisfied?"

"Why do I hang out with you again?"

"Cause if it wasn't for me you wouldn't be infamous to ants everywhere since the time you were nine."

"Oh yeah."

The two girls were interrupted, as the deep growl of a motorcycle engine made itself heard in the distance. Preceding it, however, was the low beat of a pop song obnoxious in a way only 2000s pop could be.

Dun-dun-dun-dunn

I'm bringing sexy back

"I'd know that douchey song anywhere!" Candice gasped.

_**Dun-dun-dun-dunn**_

_**And all the girls they don't know how to act**_

Stopping his motorcycle, and waking up toward Candice, brimming with the energy of a sexual tyrannosaurus, it was Grimmjow Jaegerjaques. He wore black leather pants, no shirt, and an opened black leather vest, because real men do not wear sleeves. Naturally, he was tattooed, in all sorts of places, and brimming with the hunkiness that could bring a millions fangirls to their knees. With all that black leather, and showy musculature, you might have thought he was gay- if not for how he got more pussy than a crazy cat lady at an animal shelter. He was the certified badass of the city, a grade A manwhore, Billy Idol impersonator, and Candice's first wet dream. It was unknown whether it was Grimmjow's inherent sexiness that caused Justin Timberlake to continuously loop around him, or whether he was that sexy because of Justin Timberlake. Much like the chicken and the egg, it was a pointless question.

"H-hi Grimmjow," Candice shivered. She always turned into a wet mess whenever he was near.

He stared at her graffiti positively mesmerized and said, "Wow, that's so deep and complex! I can totally see a sort of abstract Van Gogh sense of wonder and awe in this, but then again it also reminds me of early Picasso! Whoever wrote this really like, looks into my soul and stuff."

"I did it," Candice answered, staring at Grimmjow's firm abs.

"Huh? Hey, ain't you that Juvie that's always getting arrested for shoplifting and assault?"

"Y-yeah," Candice said. _He's looking right at me!_

"You know, I used to think you were just starving for attention, but now I can see you really have a deep understanding of the world." He then grinned like the jerkass he was. "What's say you and me go tear up the city on my motorbike?"

"I'd love to," Candice said as she couldn't clutch her arms to Grimmjow's fast enough.

"Hey! Where are you going?" Bambietta asked.

"Somewhere better than here!" Candice said tearing off her tight, cropped top, leaving on only her bra. She and Grimmjow then hopped on the latter's motorbike as she yelled, "WOOOHOOO!" as they drove away together, as Candice's ovaries nearly combusted with pure lust and joy.

* * *

**At a remote location**

**On a deserted island**

"The good news is, we fixed the doughnut machine!" Urahara said enthusiastically, waving around a screwdriver which may or may not have been sonic.

"The bad news?" Ikumi asked flatly.

"I haven't the faintest idea what you could be referring to, chief," Urahara said.

"What. Did they do. This time?"

"Well," Yoruichi said, laughing nervously, "it's funny, really. You're going to laugh."

"_Am I now?_" Ikumi said with a voice so icily cold that Elsa of Arendell would, by comparison, have seemed like a tropical hula-hula girl.

"We-ell," Yoruichi said, her nervous laughter increasing somewhat, "they killed the kaiju! Isn't that great?"

"That is _not_ the whole of it. If it were, you wouldn't be sweating rivers." Ikumi said coldly, her tone approaching absolute zero.

"Am I now? Goodness me!" Yoruichi said, exuding sweat of a kind only seen in anime. "Well, er, you see, the thing about this is..."

"_Speak up._" Ikumi said mercilessly.

"The thing is, that it's sort of like this, that well, in a way you could describe it as... well, it's complicated!"

"_Talk. _Or I'll feed you to the dogs.

"What dogs?" Yoruichi asked.

"You know, the three-headed, elephant-sized dogs we breed in our genetics lab?"

"Those are real? I thought that was just your script for a monster film! You know, the one where man tampers with nature, and it backfires?" Urahara asked.

"Nature is my BITCH. So, _talk!_"

"Well, you see..." Yoruichi said, slowly edging toward the door, "_the thing is,_ Kisuke will explain!" Yoruichi squealed, and bolted for the door. "SOIFON!" She yelled, as she ran out at what had to be supersonic speed, "PACK YOUR BAGS! WE'RE GOING ON VACATION! IN SIBERIA!"

"TRAITOR!" Kisuke shouted, but dared not follow her. Pinned under Ikumi's glare, he said...

"...theymaypossiblysortofmaybehavekilledtheirprincipalanddestroyedhalftheschoolpleasedon'tkillme!"

He managed to say this in under two seconds, which was impressive in and of itself- and it meant it took a while for Ikumi's mind to catch up.

"...they what?" She said flatly.

"Did I say kill the principal and destroy half the school? I meant behaved like model citizens." Kisuke lied.

"There are _seven billion people_ in this world," Ikumi snarled, "and out of all those, you just _had_ to pick the five most psychotic, unstable teenagers possible. Do you have _any idea_ what a PR nightmare this will be? Do you have any idea how many politicians are resistant to mind tricks?!"

"I thought you weren't a sith lord!" Urahara squealed.

"Well, _the god damn narrator isn't exactly fucking consistent, is he?!"_ She roared. "You worthless, useless, scientifically illiterate belieber of a man! I should tear the flesh from your bones and make you read bad poetry in public!"  
"Hey, hey, hey!" Urahara protested. "It's not _my_ fault the plot is contrived to be as random and destructive as possible! I'm just a pawn in the great game of nerdy authors!"

"Well, you know what they say about pawns," Ikumi growled.

"They're valuable pieces which should be given second chances if they make small mistakes?" Urahara asked, sweating even more profusely than Yoruichi.

Ikumi leaned in, an evil grin on her face. "Try again."

"YORUICHI!" Urahara cried, and tried to run for the door. "TAKE ME WITH YOU! WE'LL GO TO THE SOUTH POLE- ARGH!"

It was too late; Ikumi had grabbed his shirt, and held it in a vice-like grip.

"To the cellar with you, you naughty boy," she said, dragging him to the elevator. "I think it's time I gave you a lesson in what happens to employees who are bad, but also not unattractive."

"Not the spiked ballgag!" Urahara squealed. "We'll get an MA rating for sure!"

"Oh, Kisuke," Ikumi said with a devilish grin, as she dragged him into the elevator and pressed the button that said "cellar", "we're _way_ past that point. Like they say on the internet, prepare you anus."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Kisuke shouted, in his best impersonation of Anakin Skywalker.

**END**

* * *

**(A/N: I really don't know what to say at the ends of these chapters. Usually I'm all hyper and cheery and joking, but with this series enough of that is done that I feel like I'm blathering. Special thanks again to Greatkingrat88 for his continued additions and editing to make this series hilarious. Special help as well to my buddies Vogoshinki and The Real Brick for great ideas to assist me in breaking new ground as this is the first fanfic where I've thrown caution to the wind and gone for straight up comedy)**


	3. Episode 3

**(A/N: With every chapter I write the series seems to spawn more creativity out of me for the lolz…except this one. I bring a warning to EVERYONE. This chapter has some unleaded Nightmare Fuel. If you laugh, it'll be because of nerves. Don't know if you'll like this or hate this, but know that this is the turning point in the series and that while the crack comedy is a major theme…well the plot has to kick in eventually, yeah? …what little plot there is).**

Disclaimer: Bleach is owned by Tite Kubo. Cameo appearances are also owned by their respective companies. Special thanks to Greatkingrat88 whose additions to this series go unnoticed by many, but truly without him I could never achieve 100% mindfuck efficiency for this series.

* * *

**Beverly Hills, California**

With Ryuko Matoi High School under their control, our heroes were living the good life. They got straight As, didn't take shit from nobody, and were on their way to successful careers in the UCLA. The local and state governments had tried and failed to take them on. The federal government was still moving its ass to mobilize. _Thanks, Obama! _

How a school full of students with Japanese names, named for a Japanese girl, was located in a perfectly English-speaking American city was anybody's guess-

"Hey! California has a sizeable Asian community, you racist asshole shit narrator!" Candice shouted angrily. "It can totally make sense if you just do some fucking research!"

...yes, it just so happened that all ethnically Japanese people conveniently attended the same high school, and just so happened to live out all kinds of anime clichés while they were there, but they were all _totally 100% American_.

"Research, motherfucker!" Candice cheered, waving her fist. "Murica!"

Since the girls had brutally murdered their principal—and Giselle had sewn his eyes and mouth shut and stuffed it with reindeer testicles and propped him up as a scarecrow out front—they were under no obligation to follow school rules and policies. The whole school stood beneath them, and they loved every minute of it.

At present, Liltotto was in the library looking up porn on the school computer. Not masturbating to it, mind you, just marvelling at how many people loved dickgirls spanking latex-wearing midgets with beef steaks. The internet was sometimes wonderful, sometimes disgusting, and sometimes just _weird._

Bambietta was in the middle of a construction project. You might say that would be a rarity, but construction, in this case, involved destroying the entire western wing—though she did excavate and display Candice's… artwork out in the front yard—and the playground, and putting a carnival in its place. She was currently examining the blueprints of where to put the Merry-go-round.

Giselle was back in her favorite classroom doing what she did best in that classroom: teach.

"And this, class, is what it looks like when a giraffe has sex with a sheep!" she exclaimed joyfully. Somehow the twisted little teenager had managed to get live animals of both species in the classroom. She didn't have to force the giraffe to do anything. It's a little known facts that Giraffes are the manwhores of the animal kingdom; they'll fuck anything they come across, lions, zebras, people, inaminate objects... The More You Didn't Need To Know!

"This goes against the natural order of everything I know about in the animal kingdom!" Chizuru Honsho exclaimed.

Yes, unfortunately for her students, Bambietta was not teaching to a room full of corpses this time. She was, instead, teaching all the bespectacled, moe freshmen she'd captured from last chapter. Okay, maybe she made a few exceptions. She needed a full classroom after all.

"I wanna go home!" one of the girls exclaimed, and started crying.

"Oh, but you can't go home," Giselle said. "The giraffe hasn't come yet. Don't look away. This will be on the test."

Suddenly one of the girls screamed, but not because of Giselle's lesson. "TARANTULA!" she shrieked.

Giselle looked at the hairy arachnid sitting on the girl's head the size of her skull. "Oh, that's just Mitzy," the 15-year-old said, "don't worry, she's harmless."

"My brain is being eaten," the girl gasped for dear life.

"That means she likes you!" Giselle exclaimed cheerfully with a nod.

While Giselle continued to traumatize students, Meninas was doing her best to un-traumatize them in the nurse's office. …what? She _is_ a nice person. …sometimes.

"Now, just hold still," she said to one of the sophomore boys as she rubbed his shoulders, "this might hurt a little." Unfortunately, Meninas simply did not know her own strength when it came to giving massages and wound up breaking her underclassman's shoulder. He screamed in pain. "Oh, you poor thing, you must really be traumatized."

…well at least her heart was in the right place.

And while all this was going on, Candice was not skipping school, and was currently on an important errand.

"What do you mean you're out of Big League Chew?" she shouted at the pharmaceutical receptionist.

…okay important for _her_.

* * *

**Meanwhile on the planet Uranius**

In a small floating space station, a woman in her thirties wearing a green, yellow and purple robe emerged from a suspension capsule. She was carrying a staff, and wore a stone helmet on her head that resembled the top of a rabbit's head.

"Aahh," she said, relaxingly, "After one hundred and sixty years I'm finally free!" she walked over to the giant ass telescope that somehow let her spy all the way to Earth. "It's time for me to have my revenge on Earth!"

This evil woman goes by the name of Bunny Moon. Her real name is Usagi Tsuki, but the dubbing companies screwed her name up in translation, mainly by actually translating her name. It's a scientifically established fact that everything sounds cooler in Japanese, after all. She had tried to take over the world as a result, and ended up ejected into space. Why her ejection capsule came with a fully automated space station and giant ass telescope that the American Government _could_ be using to see out into space was anybody's guess, although it was probably just best not to ask. Some mysteries can and should not be answered, unless the answerers are named Bill Nye or Neil Degrasse Tyson.

"Finally! I shall have my revenge on 4Kids Entertainment!And Justin Bieber! I've been plotting this scam for twenty years, and it shall finally come to fruition!

Wait, if you've been planning it for twenty years, doesn't that only count as a quarter of a year on Earth? And... wait, what, what did Justin Bieber do to you?

"Silence, peon!" Bunny Moon yelled at the narrator. "Once I find the Hollownomicon somewhere aboard this station and unleash the hollows, the Earth shall taste the wrath of Bunny Moon!" She shivered with disgust, and continued, "and that prick Justin totally stood me up once! I was his biggest fan, and I was supposed to get to go backstage and be his groupie and let him disrespectfully use my body in every way he wanted, leaving me feeling disillusioned and hollow inside! But then... he just _had_ to have leprosy that one night! The bastard!"

Uhm. Okay. You do know leprosy isn't something you have just for the one night-

Bunny Moon let out a long, maniacal evil laugh.

Right…very creepy, moving on.

* * *

**Beverly Hills, California**

While Bunny Moon was wrapped up in her evil plan of revenge, maniacal laughter, and preparing her villainous speeches, Candice was returning to the school from her errand. Bambietta was in the middle of watering the school plants with gasoline.

"What happened to your carnival project?" Candice asked her.

"My clown said he wanted exploding plants," Bambietta explained.

"Oh. Well, I brought the goods," Candice said, holding up a plastic bag.

"Ooooh," Bambietta said, dropping the gasoline canister, "lunch!"

She pulled out a paper bag of Burger King burgers from the plastic bag and began to eat. "So," she said to Candice as she chewed, "Why do you come here anyway? You have the boy of your dreams now, and you get straight As. Nobody takes attendance. You could play hooky every day and still get your diploma."

"I have to," Candice answered, "The feds say so."

"What?" Bambietta asked, disbelievingly. "What happened to all that "fuck the police" nonsense you were on about last chapter?"

"Oh, I'll take on the local police any day," Candice said as she continued to devour her Big Mac. She got lunch from several different places. "But even I'm not crazy enough to provoke the federal government. You have any idea what they do to girls like me in federal prison? I'd have to wear freaking _orange!_"

Bambietta was not impressed. "Candice, you can sling lightning bolts the size of skyscrapers. I think you can handle federal prison."

"That's what they all say!" She exclaimed. "Don't you remember what happened to Senna?"

"Who's Senna?"

"Exactly!"

At this, Giselle entered. "Ooooh! Something smells good!"

"It's lunch. Here!" Bambietta said, picking up Giselle's bag of Arby's, and handed it to her.

"Oooh, goody. I'm starving. When you kill a sheep while a giraffe orgasms into its bloody corpse and then make haggis, and then feed it to said Giraffe, you work up quite an appetite."

Bambietta was both confused and put off her meal. "...aren't you teaching sex ed?"

"I am!" Giselle answered.

Bambietta stopped eating for a moment, pushed everything that Giselle had just said out of her mind and continued eating like it was no big deal.

"Ooh! Is lunch ready?" Meninas asked, bounding inside.

"Yup, here!" Candice exclaimed, tossing her a bag of candy. "They didn't have bubblegum, but I got you the next best thing."

"Ooh! Taffy!" Meninas exclaimed, admiring it.

Liltotto groaned, and collapsed on top of the principal's desk as she entered.

"Overeat again?" Candice asked. Liltotto groaned. "I told you, you shouldn't overeat at the cafeteria. How many times is that now?"

"One by the reader's count?" Liltotto asked, putting her hands over her eyes.

"You know damn well that offscreen eating counts as well!" Candice exclaimed.

"Bite me. Status Quo dictates that my figure will always be the same, so I can have all the doughnuts I want-"

Their argument was cut short, as they were all abruptly teleported into the Unagiya corp headquarters, without warning.

"Agh! What the hell, Unagiya! We were in the middle of lunch!" All Unagiya had to do was menacingly flash the School Days DVD, and Candice fell in line. "Er, I mean, what can we do for you to day, Mistress Unagiya the gloriously beautiful. Did you lose weight? And did anybody tell you that suit tells people you look like a strong independent woman who don't need no man, yet still attractive and desirable without looking slutty?"

"Our company's most feared nemesis is back to exact her revenge! She's opened the gateway to the scariest place on Earth where the souls of the damned and heartless roam wild."

"You mean, Mexico?" Giselle asked.

Unagiya grimaced. "I mean Hueco Mundo, you racist brat."

"Yeah, that's what I said," Giselle said innocently.

Even Unagiya wasn't touching that one. "...right. Anyway, Hueco Mundo has been opened, and it's up to you brats to beat up whatever comes out of it and beat up the witch in charge: Bunny Moon!"

"Pffffft!" Candice and Bambietta sputtered as they covered their mouths. Both of them then fell over onto the ground, rolling on the floor laughing. They had never heard of a more ridiculous name in all of their lives, except possibly in Naruto. Seriously, who names their hero "fish cake"?

The witch, though... some people were born with the unfortunate fate of being filler characters, a handicap so grave that you might end up with a name like Bunny Moon, a deficit so serious that you would be eligible for state welfare just by having it.

Unagiya facepalmed. "Ugh."

"Go on, Ms. Ikumi," Liltotto encouraged. She was eager to hear about the assignment.

"Right. Well, the reason her name is so laughably bad is because the translators botched it when this series got translated into English."

Candice and Bambietta finally stopped laughing as the former asked, "Wait, isn't this series written by an American to start with?"

Bambietta gasped at Candice in horror. "What are you doing? You can't insert logic into this show! Just because we're a spin-off, it doesn't mean we're any less inclined to follow the rules!"

"I'm pretty sure we broke every rule that ever existed already the moment we opened our mouths," Liltotto said flatly.

Unagiya was having none of this. She was at the end of her rope. Her agents had had no luck locating Yoruichi in Siberia, and Urahara was, well...

* * *

_**Earlier...**_

_Sizeable clouds of smoke puffed upwards, as Urahara and Ikumi both collapsed back at the bed, both perfectly exhausted. Ikumi was wearing a leather corset and nothing else, while Urahara was handcuffed to the bed, with whip marks all over his chest and back, a ball gag hanging around his neck._

"_You sure haven't lost your touch," Urahara said, somehow having managed to light a cigarette without using his hands; presumably he had used the force._

"_You were all right too, slave," Ikumi said, smiling mischievously as she cracked a manyheaded leather whip. "It's been too long..."_

"_It sure has," Urahara nodded. You see, that scene that ended last chapter? I bet you all thought we were making a rape joke, but little did you know it was perfectly consensual BDSM all along._

"_And not the trashy, horrible kind you see in the movies these days," Ikumi sneered, "I may be an evil overlord-"_

"_Or possibly a benevolent boss, we're not clear on that-" Urahara cut in,_

"_Right, that, but as I was saying, I may be ambiguously evil, but I know safe, sane and consensual."_

"_Unlike that horrible Twilight fanfic." Urahara nodded enthusiastically._

"_But on that note..." Ikumi said, with a gleam in her eye, "it's time for your real punishment."_

"_Uh, what?" Urahara said with a look of horror on his face. "But you gave me like forty lashes! You used a buttplug, and it wasn't a small one either! You humiliated me for hours!"_

"_It's not punishment if you enjoyed every moment of it," Ikumi said, getting off the bed, starting to get dressed, "no, I have something else in mind."_

"_NO! NOT THAT ANIME! NOT SCHOOL D-"_

"_Oh shut up, you drama queen," Ikumi said, magically having put on her business suit in two seconds flat. "I save that for _real_ fuckups. No, you... you're going to be listening to postmodern poetry, as written by white middleclass emo teenagers, who are absolutely sure nobody on earth has it worse than them because their dad is uncool and won't buy them their own car."_

"_...you monster..." Urahara gasped._

"_Have fun, slave," Ikumi smirked, and pressed a remote. A CD went into the stereo system, and as Ikumi walked out, it began._

"_My pain is like a black, dying rose, trampled on by the cruel indifference of normal society," a dispassionate, slightly lisping voice began, "none can understand what I must endure, as the leaves drop like ashes from the trees..."_

"_NOOOO! NOOOO! GOD, NO! WHYYYYYYYY!" Urahara screamed._

* * *

**Present **

"Look, all of you just shut up, go to where the plot is, beat up the Hollow and..." Unagiya sighed. "You can go back to being anarchic teenagers in Beverly Hills."

"Sweet!" Bambietta exclaimed.

"Wait a second. You're being way too nice to us today. What's going on?" Candice asked.

Unagiya massaged the brim of her nose. "After your last stint, I realized that getting you to fix the damage you did would be... pointless. I am coming to terms with the fact that you are all horrible people without so much as a decent atom in your body."

"Yeah!" Bambietta cheered.

"..._anyway_, I spent most of today using the force of my mind to convince various politicians that these are not the magical girls you are looking for-"

"By 'force of mind', you mean your connections, power, status, and whatever dirt you had to keep them in line, right?" Bambietta said.

"...sure. Anyway, to sum things up, I've realized that it will be better for my sanity if I just stop getting upset every time you fuck up. Good grief, my therapy bills would cost more than my yearly income... so just go and do your thing, okay?"

"Sounds good to us," Bambietta said with a smile. "All in favor?"

"Aye~!"

"Right! Honey Badgers, Aw—"

"Hold on for one second there!" Unagiya shouted as she grabbed Bambietta by her hair. "You aren't going anywhere until you tell me what this Honey Badger business was about. Last I checked, you five are supposed to be the Mahou Shoujo Niji Tenshi!"

Meninas gave her answer in cheer. "We love our name because it's cool! Mahou Shoujo, way too plain! Niji Tenshi, way too lame! Honey Badgers! Ra! Ra! Ra! Honey Badgers! La, di, da! Goooo Honey Badgers!"

"Absolutely not." Ikumi said, rubbing her temples. 'Honey badgers' is gayer and lamer than a paraplegic Elton John. I may have resigned myself to you being awful people, but I _am_ still your boss! Mahou Shoujou Niji Tenshi, it is!"

"Honey Badgers, because we don't give a fuck! Stop oppressing us, maaan!" Bambietta shot back.

"Mahou shoujou!" Ikumi insisted, glaring and leaning forward.

"Honey Badgers!" Bambietta cried, leaning forward right back.

"Mahou shoujou!"

"Honey badgers!"

"_Mahou shoujou!"_

"_Honey badgers!"_

The two of them were at this point basically butting heads, and Urahara- who had been sitting in, albeit looking a bit harrowed- was busy taking pictures with his Iphone 5000XTREME, which was so cutting edge that it was said to contain a part of Steve Jobs' soul.

"Is it wrong that I am feeling kind of aroused right now?" He asked, grinning. "If it is, then I don't want to be right."

"MAHOU SHOUJOU!" Ikumi screeched.

"HONEY BADGERS!" Bambietta shouted back.

"MAHOU SHOUJOU!"

"MAHOU SHOUJOU!" Bambietta cried.

"HONEY BADGERS!" Ikumi roared with fury in her voice.

"MAHOU SHOUJOU!"

"**HONEY BADGERS, AND THAT'S FINAL, YOUNG LADY! DON'T MAKE ME FORCE CHOKE YOU!" **Ikumi roared at the top of her lungs, with a voice that would have made Norio Wakamoto proud.

"...okay." Bambietta said, sounding suspiciously intimidated. "You heard her, girls- from now on we're known as the honey badgers."

"You're damn right!" Ikumi shouted. "Now get out there and be magical girls, or so help me I'll... I'll..."

"KAYTHANKSBYE!" The mischievous group cried as one, and sped away towards their new objective.

"Just wait for it..." Urahara said, grinning.

"...son of a bitch." Ikumi growled. "I need an aspirin..."

* * *

**Chicago, Illonois**

Upon arriving in Chicago, our heroes gazed down on the city from above watching as the hollow Grand Fisher began chasing people through the streets, his large jaws snapping like he was Pac-man.

"That's what she's so afraid of?" Bambietta asked, dumbfounded.

"Pssht, he's the size of a flea," Candice mocked. "Erm, relatively speaking to the size of everything else we've fought, of course."

"Why don't you girls take a load off?" Giselle asked. She suddenly pulled out a Hollywood Chainsaw and revved it up. Hollywood Chainsaws, for those of you unaware, are the special chainsaws only found in movies that only need to be yanked once to turn on, are practically weightless, cut through anything, and never run out of power. "I'll handle our little hamster friend here." Giselle had that creepy perverse look on her face that she did whenever she watched a slash horror film. Bambietta and the others all believed it was time to make themselves scarce on the nearest rooftop and wait.

Giselle then charged into battle against Grand Fisher, chainsaw blaring loudly and started by cutting him in half, covering herself in the monster's blood. She then began slicing up Grand Fisher into little bloody pieces, all the while laughing maniacally. As Grand Fisher resembled less a physical being and more a heaving, steaming mess of pure blood and flesh, Giselle's laughter became louder and more hysterical. As she severed his head from his neck, she held the chainsaw by its handle down by her crotch, and moaned deeply, her face going almost as red with excitement as the blood covering her body, as she orgasmed. Multiple times.

"That was great," she cooed.

"Why do we let her hang around with us again?" Candice asked, with a disturbed look.

"Because I'm afraid of what she'll do if we just leave her alone," Bambietta answered.

"Still, that was easier than expected," Meninas said. "In the spirit of victory, shall we all celebrate with Chicago deep dish pizza?"

"Aye~!"

* * *

**Uranus**

"NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NOOOO!" Bunny Moon shouted, stomping her feet in a circle. "It's not fair! I thought I summoned the best creature! He was a B-class threat! Stupid book!" she threw the Hollownomicon at the wall, only for it to fall onto the floor to a page that would benefit her because the Hollownomicon was there for every villain's diablous ex machina needs.

"Hmmm?" Bunny Moon scanned over the spell on the page. "AHAHAHAHA! Perfect!" She put her eye to her gigantic telescope and shouted as she kept her hands on the spell. "Rise! O great and terrible hollow! By the powers of the Hollownomicon, make my summon grow!"

Wait, all you need is a spell? What about that staff you're carrying?

"Pfft, I can't throw my staff all the way to Earth? Are you mad, sir?"

Er, no, not since last I checked.

* * *

**Chicago, Illonois**

As Giselle continued playing hopscotch with Grand Fisher's kidney, while wearing his Liver as a hat, having just finished playing jump rope with his trachea, she was surprised when a dark light consumed all of the pieces. "Eh?"

Suddenly, Grand Fisher was a very human-like creature 2/3 of the size of the Chicago Handcock tower, wielding a sword as big as his body. Because as we all know, when you start out as a monster, your power level is proportional to how human you look. An amorphous blob summoned by the most dark, blasphemous and heretical rites, consumer of worlds and devourer of souls, was on average going to last twenty minutes against even a generic hero, while a humanoid monster was guaranteed to require at least heroic willpower, or Big Damn Heroes to the rescue, or maybe even a heroic sacrifice- or possibly all three of them.

"Ooh, that's a bit big for my chainsaw, even if I had a bigger chainsaw." Giselle said cheerfully. She looked at the girls as they were walking away from the hotdog stand with two pizza boxes. "Hey girls, a little teamwork here, please?"

"Huh?" Candice looked at Giselle, looked at the monster, looked at her pizza and then back at Giselle. "Nope," she smirked. "No can do. All you, Giselle!" she gave her a thumb's up.

If it was Bambietta, she would've thrown a hissy fit, if it was Liltotto she would've lectured her with logic and Meninas would've whined and given her puppy eyes. However, Giselle couldn't be happier to here that she got to fight a giant monster all by herself.

"EH? REALLY?!"

Candice had just wanted to eat the pizza, but she rolled with it and winked, "Yup, all you girl!"

Bambietta, however, was not so enthusiastic about the prospect. "Candice! What are you doing? We can't let her fight that thing alone, she'll—MMPH!"

Candice clamped her free hand over Bambietta's mouth. "Yup! All you, Giselle! Have fun! Come on girls!" she dragged her team down an alleyway.

As she let go of Bambietta's mouth, the young pyromaniac shouted, "What are you doing, Candice? We can't let Giselle fight that thing alone!"

"No sweat, she'll be fine."

"_She's_ not the one I'm worried about!" Bambietta shouted.

"Pfft, what's the worst that can happen?" Candice asked. As if on cue, a dark light began emanating up over the top of the building that made up half of the alleyway the girls were in. Candice peeked her head around the corner to see the light coming from Giselle.

"BWAHAHAHA! They sent a little girl to deal with the likes of me, Grand Fisher? I've eaten hero women twice your age for breakfast!

"Oh? You have? How did it taste?" Giselle asked, genuinely curious.

"Like Bacon," Grand Fisher answered with a sadistic grin hoping to scare Giselle off.

"Mmmmmm, I love bacon, but I always thought MILFs tasted like chicken," Giselle answered. She began drooling with a depraved look. "I wonder how you'll taste. You're the first hollow I've ever met."

"...what?" Grand Fisher said, and though his face did not allow for much expression, there was something disconcerted about his voice- he was not used to this kind of enthusiasm. Looking into her eyes, he started wondering who really was the monster of this story...

Giselle then tilted her head 90 degrees, making an audible crack. Her eyes turned bloodshot and began bleeding down her cheek. With her tongue, Giselle licked in part of the blood.

"Let's do this, **Lovecraft style**!" Giselle's body suddenly twisted and contorted in ways that would make any sane and normal human being die. She began to grow, swell and expand, until she was the same size as Grand Fisher. She had the appearance of a giant, combing mecha, except blood was dripping from some of the exposed mechanical parts. Giselle's right leg was made from a purple rabbit, the left leg was made from a yellow chicken, her right arm was a red fox, and the left arm was a brown bear with a top hat. Her torso had golden fur. Giselle's head was just a hollowed our opera mask. It had no nose and just a really big grin with hollowed out eyes. Blood was dripping from the hollowed out eye sockets.

Still dumbfounded, Grand Fisher asked, "What is that?"

Giselle answered by making a shrill maniacal laughing at the pitch of a chipmunk. Something, even by the standards of an extra-dimensional, astronomical abomination, was deeply wrong here. "Death of a thousand **MIND FUCKS**!"

Instantly, thousands and thousands of tiny ghost-like wisps with eyes emerged from Giselle in a multitude of directions, phasing through everything they touched. However, they then suddenly converged on Grand Fisher's head at high speeds, jamming into his skull and brain. Each one was designated to give him a hallucinogenic nightmare, each one worse than the last.

Unable to take the constant barrage of nightmare fuel, Grand Fisher began twisting and convulsing, dropping his sword and clutching his head.

Giselle's laughter continued to emanate from the hollowed out mouth in her mecha's head as the fox arm's jaw transformed into a giant chainsaw. It revved up loudly and Giselle began using it to slowly cut Grand Fisher down to size. Grand Fisher began screaming in agony. Between this and the mind fucks he could barely maintain his sanity.

"Awww, don't break yet," Giselle roared, "_**I'm not finished playing with you yet!**_" She began to cut deeper into Grand Fisher's rib cage, causing more screams of pain and torture.

"Okay I see your point, not getting involved," Candice said and ducked behind the alleyway to just pretend she never saw this. Suddenly she realized that seeing more than a few seconds of this could probably cause enough therapy time to put a psychologist's entire family through college, twice. Or a dozen.

On the moon, Bunny Moon couldn't believe what she was seeing. "No! This can't be! Grand Fisher! Do something, damn you! You can't lose to this bitch!"

Suddenly, rather than the city of Chicago all Bunny Moon could see was Giselle's hollowed out mask. "You shouldn't have done that." Giselle's voice pierced into Bunny Moon's mind as hallucinogenic images of disembodied animal heads, all dancing a danse macabre, their eye sockets being raped by cockroaches, all of which wore One Direction t shirts, along with Giselle's voice repeating "It's me!" no less than six times.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Bunny Moon, in a terrorized state, screamed loudly, dropped into a fetal position and began sucking her thumb, and rocking back and forth. "Jesus loves me. I know this because the bible tells me so!"

* * *

**Chicago, Illonois**

Giselle began to grow bored of being a mech and turned into everyone's favorite Lovecraftian horror, Cthulhu. Ethereal tentacles of pure horror, made of the stuff of dimensions great and horrible far beyond the stars, began writhing across Fisher's body, slowly stripping his flesh from him, atom by atom.

"**HAVING FUN YET?!**" Giselle roared, continuing to play with Grand Fisher mercilessly.

"PLEASE!" Fisher screamed. "LET ME LIVE! I have a whole family of epic monstrosities to feed! Without me sacrificing the souls of the innocent, they will die! AAARGH!"

"Oh, but we're just getting started! I'm having so much fun with you!" Giselle returned to human-size to meet Grand Fisher's scale. She became long and lanky, and manifested a scythe, which she began twirling around and swinging it haphazardly, cutting up Grand Fisher with every slice. She was also singing. "You don't know that I know, you watch me every night." Giselle began spinning her scythe like a baton. "And I just can't resist the urge to stand here in the light! Your greedy eyes upon me, and then I come undone," she went down on it like a stripper pole. "And I would close the curtains, but this is too much fun." She slammed her scythe into Grand Fisher's skull. "I get off on you!" she pulled it out. "Getting off on me!" She slammed it back in. "Give you what you want!" And out. "But nothing is for free!" She threw his carcass into the air. "It's all give and take!" She sliced it in half. "Kind of life we make!" She jabbed her scythe into his chest. "When your line is crossed!" Giselle held her scythe by her crotch and stroked it like a phallus. "I get off!" she came, violently and repeatedly, her hips trembling with pleasure. "I get off."

"…isn't this supposed to be a comedy?" Bambietta asked, thoroughly disturbed, as were the others.

At this point, Fisher's body was twitching in its death throes, but true to lovecraftian style, Giselle's powers superseded even death, and his soul was bound to his body, and all the pain that came with it.

While hunched over her prey, head enlarged to the size of a balloon on the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade, Giselle cried out loudly, "Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!" Her head grew larger with every annunciation.

Suddenly a giant, theatrical stage appeared in the street. It had a red curtain, trap doors and everything. Suddenly, a man who could pass as the twin brother, or possibly the estranged cousin, of Heath Ledger's role as The Joker, appeared on the stage in a cloud of smoke. He was dressed in a black and white stripped outfit, and oddly resembled Michael Keaton.

"Well thank you, thank you, thank you very much," he said, holding the microphone while doing his best Elvis impersonation. He then stood up straight. "It's been nearly thirty years since I last saw the surface of the Earth. It's so nice to be here in Chicago. I," his gaze finally landed upon Giselle, her scythe,the blood all over her and her smile. "Uhhhhh..." he stammered. "Oh shit. Not her again! I had enough the last time!" Immediately, Beetlejuice turned the microphone into a fedora hat, and the stage into a suitcase. "I'm outta here!" He ran off shouting. "Siberia here I come!"

"Aaww," Giselle said with a smile, "He ran away. Tee hee!" she giggled. "All right then," she said as her scythe disappeared, and steam began emanating from her shoulders. "We'll just ha**ve to fin**_**ish you off ANOTHER WAY!**_" The skin on Giselle's face faded away and her hair suddenly turned into purple fire, as it encased the entirety of her skull. The rest of her outfit was all black leather with spikes on her wrists and shoulders, and somewhere, somebody was not only drawing porn of this, but writing an extensive set of apologetics on tumblr about why she wasn't such a bad person after all; sort of how the Joker was just a misunderstood comedian, or how Voldemort is just a poor boy from a poor family, who should be spared his life from this monstrosity.

She had become Giselle Rider, the spirit of nightmares that made the likes of Freddy Krueger, The Boogeyman, As Nodt, and The Joker and the Scarecrow_, _shit their pants in terror of her. In short, she was metal as fuck, and a shoe-in to be frontwoman for any death metal band.

Meanwhile, at Unagiya corp, Ikumi shot Urahara a long, foul look.

"You know," she growled, "I am tempted to blame this on you, but even _your_ social incompetence wouldn't create... _that_."

"...yeah." Urahara murmured, looking half horrified, and judging by the bulge in his pants, half aroused, his Iphone 5000XTREME (which, of course, had an extreme zoom function), recording everything. "...so, do you wanna go and uh..."

"Whatever will get my mind off _that_." Ikumi said, grimacing. "I'll oil the whips."

"I'll get the fur handcuffs!" Urahara said cheerily.

"**FOUL BEAST! PREPARE YOUR ANUS ,BECAUSE THEIR AIN'T NO BREAKS ON THIS RAPE TRAIN!" **An actual subway train, doused in purple hellfire, then ran over Grand Fisher. Picking up the disembodied head of the creature, Giselle shouted into his face. **"LOOK INTO MY EYES!" **

There was then a mushroom cloud explosion of purple hellfire, as Grand Fisher screamed in pure, undiluted terror.

And then, just as quickly as things had escalated into a torrent of nightmares, they suddenly returned to normal as Giselle returned to normal, smoke rising from the top of her head. "Ahh, so good." Chances were she probably came again. She then noticed the damage she made. "Oh wowie," she exclaimed, "I really made a mess this time!" She proceeded to get out two dozen glass jars from her cleavage. "I hope the girls at school like hollow blood smoothies with extra pulp." After a brief pause she then said. "Oh, who am I kidding? I'll force it on them anyway!"

As Giselle began scooping up chunks of what was left of Grand Fisher, Bambietta and the others, shivering as they stood by the entrance to the alleyway said, "All in favor of never making Giselle angry, ever?"

"…aye," Everyone said, trembling in fear.

* * *

**Beverly Hills, California**

Back at school, Bambietta found her clown rather angry and smelling like grass. "Oh, I see you got the exploding plants I made for you."

"You stupid bitch! I asked for exploding _pants_, not _plants!_ No L! No L!"

"Noel?" Meninas exclaimed happily. "Oh I love that song! The first noel , the angels did say was certain to poor shepherds in fields as they lay."

"In fields where they lay keeping their sheep. On a cold winter's night that was so deep!" Giselle joined in.

Meninas and Giselle stood with their arms around each other's backs, swaying back and forth as they sang together. "Noel! Noel! Noel! Noel! Born is the King of Israel!"

And that, children, is how Giselle saved Christmas. It was somewhat muddled by the unspeakable sexual acts Giselle did with the wise men later, but livened up by the arrival of two masked figures in leather corsets, with chains and whips.

* * *

**(A/N: I hope you're all disturbed, laughing, confused and having your nightmares for the week. My co-writer, Greatkingrat88 did his very best to add in what little jokes I could not to make this chapter as good as it could be. Crack Comedy is his forte. I'm the main writer and he just fills in the spaces that I don't have the aptitude to think up a good enough joke because my screws aren't unhinged enough. That said, the whole Giselle going crazy bit was mostly me so I guess I have a few screws loose myself XD. We do have three more chapters in the works. After that be thankful if there are any more chapters after that. This series doesn't really have a plot. It's just an exercise in crack comedy and using 5 underutilized characters. At least for now, who knows what the future may bring? Er, just know that there probably won't be a new chapter until after my birthday on April 2nd. I have a lot of work between here and now, mostly to do with my top 50 fave anime/manga list as of 2015 coming at the end of this month and I'd like to see if Guilty Crown, Psycho Pass, Blue Exorcist and Toriko are going to make the cut. Anyway, I'm going back to working on my main projects. Hope you all had a relatively pleasant time. **_**Please, **_**don't use this series for softcore porn, okay? Ja ne!)**


	4. Episode 4

**(A/N: Ummmm, if you've never watched Kill la Kill, incoming spoilers).**

**((CA/N: HELLO, MINIONS! This is Greatkingrat88, co-author of this fun little piece, quality control and provider of insane comedy, which fits just right since this here fic is pretty crazy. We-ell, I haven't got much else to say… I do run a few fics of my own, I'm a friend of DC's, and I hope you enjoy this piece of weirdness.))**

Disclaimer: Tite Kubo owns Bleach. Cameo characters are also owned by their respective owners.

* * *

**LOCATION UNKNOWN**

Loly and Menoly, dressed like they were cosplaying for The Matrix, stood in a very expensive-looking room, the kind that might as well have worn a fifty-foot neon sign, ON FIRE, which screamed for all the world to hear: "I AM TECHNOLOGICAL! LOOK AT MY TECHNOLOGY-NESS!"

Said technology-ness consisted of a wall littered with computer and TV screens, some processing very complicated-looking data, others displaying binary code for no reason, some showing on camera the most dire events of the world, and one TV showing re-runs of Friends, because even geniuses get bored sometimes. What could be seen of the walls was stylistically grey and white, and on the tables and desks in the room were piles and piles of research notes, trinkets and gadgets- robot arms, automatic staplers, spy gear that would make James Bond green with envy, and a machine designed to make coffee out of recycled paper- and the most cutting edge books on theoretical physics, quantum physics, philosophy, alien life, and A Game of Thrones because you _had_ to find out if Lord Stark would manage to make the kingdom a better place or not. In the corner stood a life-sized Dalek, which may or may not be functional. Such a nerdy, high-tech room could only belong to the most intelligent man of the modern world: Stephen Hawking.

"So," Loly said to Stephen Hawking, his back turned to her and Menoly. "What did you call us in for?"

Using his computer, Stephen spoke to them promptly, in his digitalized voice, "It seems that in Beverly Hills, the status quo is being changed. You need to fix it posthaste. You are my best agents of the SQRF, the Status Quo Reset Force. I would do it myself, but my rocket chair is low on fuel. I would buy more but according to my eccentric genius contract, I must not remember practical things myself."

"We'll get it done, sir," Menoly told him. "No need to worry."

"See that you do."

Loly affixed her sunglasses and grinned. "You can count on us. We've never let you down before and we're not gonna start now." With that Loly and Menoly promptly walked out of the automatic doors behind them, their asses shaking provocatively with every step.

"Oh yeah, shake dat a- oh crap, I really must learn to make this crappy machine not post everything I think…" Hawking said robotically. Still, dat ass…

* * *

**At a remote location**

**On a deserted island**

"Well, Yoruichi," Unagiya grinned like an axe murderer readying their kill as Yoruichi and Soifon were shuffled inside the main office by two large men in black outfits and sunglasses. "Welcome back. How was your vacation?"

"…fine," Yoruichi answered, preferring Unagiya would just punish her and get it over with.

"Oh really? My agents tell me they found you in Siberia, two weeks away from any other human being. How did you survive all this time?"

"W-well, you see, Soifon and I had to hunt for our food, and wrestle wild tigers for survival. We slept in the trees for fear of being eaten. Every day, we'd climb down and stalk an unsuspecting deer, which we had to choke with our bare hands, and then skin and eat raw, making nutritious drink out of its blood by combining it with yak milk. By the end of week one, we were able to make pelts out of what we killed, and eventually we were able to defeat the alpha male of a wolf pack. It made hunting… somewhat easier. We saw things we will never unsee, and did things we can never forget… of course, then everything changed when the fire nation attacked." There was a haunted look on Yoruichi's face.

As Yoruichi continued her explanation, Soifon glared angrily.

"You look troubled, Soifon," Unagiya said in a deceptively sweet tone. "Is there a problem?"

"Well…" Soifon said, balling her fists, "I FINALLY get a romantic holiday with my beloved Yoruichi-sama, and you just HAD to cut it short! We were snuggling in a great, wonderful pelt, of a yak that we worked together to kill! We defended it against a rabid bear, who also became a pelt! It was so…" Soifon stopped, and sighed with a sweet look in her eyes, "_romantic!_ And you ruined it, you slave driver!"

Yoruichi gave her a look that could be rivalled only by the thousand yard stare of a seasoned war veteran.

"We almost died." She said. "And we huddled together to not freeze to death."

"Details!" Soifon waved dismissively. "It was still the most amazing, precious moment, and the only thing more touching I can think of was Friday two months ago when you strapped a ball gag on me and rode me for four hours with that strap-on in my a-"

"ANYWAY," Unagiya interrupted, not wanting to hear another word of Soifon's warped sense of romance, "we have work to do, and I own you. I already punished Kisuke, so I'm prepared to let you back in."

"No way!" Yoruichi cried. "You're an evil, domineering dominatrix of a boss, and I _know_ you have plans to build a death star!"

"Free will and democracy are overrated," Ikumi said, waving dismissively, "but, Yoruichi… can you really live without the doughnut machine in your life?" She smirked evilly, as Yoruichi bit her lip, pearls of sweat forming on her forehead.

"Y-yeees…" she said, her voice wavering.

"We've added tropical flavoured frosting," Ikumi whispered as she leaned in close, "and coffee flavoured chocolate filling. I'm even throwing in a bonus at Christmas- good employees might get their own doughnut machines…"

"…oh, curse you and your bribery with delicious treats!" Yoruichi cried agonizingly. "Fine! I'm coming back! And I'm eating all of the doughnuts!"

Ikumi put her fingers together, and cackled devilishly. This would be where she would say "just as planned", but there really was no need; her face and posture said it for her.

Then, as her cackle trailed off into an awkward giggle- there is a reason everybody always cuts away in the middle of an evil laugh- she pointed at Soifon, and a bolt of lightning flew out from her finger, shocking the girl.

"I knew it! Force lightning!" Yoruichi gasped.

"…obviously just a case of perfectly normal static electricity discharging," Ikumi said, although one wonders who she was trying to fool. "And _that_, by the way, was for calling me a slave driver."

"OoooohhhOOOOHHHOooooo…" Soifon moaned, spasming wildly on the floor in orgasmic throes. Well… fuck. Ikumi made a mental note: trying to punish Soifon was counterproductive at best.

* * *

**Beverly Hills, California**

Things were business as usual for our heroes this day. Liltotto was eating everything in sight, Bambietta was experimenting with explosive chemicals, Meninas was trying to be nice and failing and being oblivious to it, and Giselle was tormenting students. In other words: typical Tuesday.

As for Candice, she came up the road with a black eye, as she came to inspect Bambietta's endeavors to make a carnival.

"Oh my god! What happened to you?" Bambietta asked.

"…I fell down some stairs," Candice answered.

"Bullshit! He hit you, didn't he? I told you that guy was bad news for you!"

"Shut up!" Candice snapped. "And what, I should like some special snowflake tool like Ichigo Kurosaki?"

"Don't you insult my orange haired hunk you shitty blonde bimbo! He's like, deep and stuff! He reads Shakespeare, and he's totally ripped, and I know for a fact that he has a huge dick!"

"Yeah, he reads Shakespeare _off screen_," Candice sneered. "But whenever he shows up, he still does the most retarded-ass stunts that only works because he's the author's special little rent boy!"

"At least he's actually a nice guy who doesn't fuck anything with a skirt, like your manwhore boyfriend!" Bambietta shot back. "And that fucking blue hair, who does he think he is? He's like a shitty ripoff of Billy Idol, and he stopped being cool two decades ago!"

"DON'T YOU INSULT BILLY! I MEAN GRIMMJOW!" Candice shouted. "Everyone loves a bad boy! Your virgin idol couldn't get laid if you put yourself naked in front of him! His dick probably shrunk away from lack of use!"

"YEAH? Well, your boyfriend is a drug dealing rapist!"

"Those charges were dropped for lack of evidence after all the witnesses mysteriously decided to retract their statements! That means he's innocent, and just a misunderstood punk who needs the touch of the right woman! Not like your 'never-had-sex' homo boyfriend who takes it in the ass from Kubo!"

Bambietta retorted with the wittiest, sharpest insult she could think of, namely…

"BITCHIKILLYOURRRRAAAAARRRGH!" she roared, as she flung herself at Candice, pettily flapping her palms at her while keeping her face at a good distance off. Candice, for her part, flapped back, the both of them growling and bitching at each other in the most pitiful catfight this fic could imagine.

And somehow, by the laws of fan fiction, the two of them fell over, and accidentally pressed their lips together. Ceasing their struggle, they started to kiss, their hands running all over each other's bodies, lustfully groping each other's sizeable curves.

"Hang on," said Meninas, looking on with curious amazement out the window as she and Giselle stood in the second floor hallway. "…how did they go from fighting to being all lesbian? What kind of writing is this? They never showed any interest in girls before. This doesn't make any sense."

"Oh Meninas, it's elementary," Giselle said, smiling happily, "the laws of fan fiction state that sexuality is a fluid thing that can be changed and reversed at any time. Besides, they're not even bisexual. They're just sooo attracted to each other. Because it's right because they are the right _individual_ for a spontaneous, never-to-be-mentioned again lesbian connection."

"…well, that's convenient."

"It sure is!" Giselle said brightly. "Now I'm going to go see if it's possible to tunnel to the center of the Earth in twenty-four hours."

Meninas put a finger to her cheek, pondering Giselle's statement. "But isn't that, like, totally physically impossible even with really heavy digging equipment?"

"Oh, silly," Giselle said procuring a shovel from out of her jacket, "physics is my bitch. Reality sold it to me for fear of getting curbstomped again."

"Oh, okay!" Meninas said, taking Giselle's words at face value without questioning them at all. Not because life was easier that way, but because Meninas' grip on reality was about as flimsy as a log cabin in a tornado. She then went to go and try to pep up the chess club with her cheerleader skills, while Giselle headed for the school's backyard.

Meanwhile, with the questioning of the continually bizarre nature of this fic now over, just as Bambietta was undoing Candice's pants and spreading her legs, totally semeing the other girl, the two heard the ever familiar beat of SexyBack, as Grimmjow walked up the road. He too had black eye.

"Wait, why do _you_ have a black eye?" Bambietta asked.

"…I fell down some stairs."

"Bull! Shit!"

"I did too, you freaking brunette bitch! And they were the sexiest, most big-tittied, and tightest and blowjob-prone, independent-yet-sexual-and-in-charge stairs I ever fell down."

"Awww, that's so sweet of you, baby," Candice said, hugging her boyfriend's arm.

"So…was I interrupting something, or is there more?"

"No!" Bambietta exclaimed, putting her clothes back on. "There's not _more_! Ugh, I need today like I need to be hit by a car."

As if on cue, a limousine showed up and barreled into Bambietta, Candice and Grimmjow, the last of which went flying through the air.

"Baby!" Candice shouted. "Alright, whoever's driving that thing, asses out from where I can see them so I can break my foot off in them."

Wordlessly, the driver, Loly, stepped out of the car, her pigtails flopping down as she stood up straight. She, along with her crew, was dressed in skin tight leather jackets and pants. Her companions included her best friend, Menoly, a spikey haired blonde, Mila Rose, a long, curly haired, curvy black woman, Apache, a blue haired heterochromatic with scar tissue over her left eye that made her look like a genderbent Zuko from Avatar, and Sun Sun, a long haired, refined woman with freckles and a hairpin on the right side of her hair.

"Who the hell are you bitches?" Bambietta asked as Loly and Menoly slammed the doors to the limousine.

"We're from the SQRF," Loly answered, pulling a badge out of her jacket pocket and flashing it at Candice and Bambietta.

"The what?" Candice asked.

"The Status Quo Reset Force," Menoly explained. "We're agents of Stephen Hawking's Science Hero Initiative Tactical organization, to keep the status quo afloat."

Loly spoke "You two—"

"—and your friends—" Menoly continued her sentence.

Both held up their hands fingers together, palms front, "Are in direct violation of the RRRRRRRURUUUS!"

"Submit to us verbally," Loly said by herself.

"And we'll set the school back in order up to and including fixing your grades and reviving the principal."

"Fuck off!" Bambietta exclaimed, complete with extended middle finger.

"Yeah, nobody launches my boyfriend through the air Team Rocket style and gets away with it!" Candice exclaimed.

"Well, if that's how it's going to be…" Loly said.

"Then we have to do things the hard way," Menoly responded. Each member of the SQRF removed their leather outfits, revealing more color coordinated attire underneath.

Mila Rose, Loly and Menoly had a halter top on combined with a pleated skirt, and buckled shoes in a variety of colors. Loly's uniform was as brown, and she was holding two hand cannons plated in black and gold. She aimed them right at Candice and Bambietta. Mila Rose's hands flared up with flame. Her outfit was gray. Menoly's hands generated bright pink energy, and her outfit was purple.

Sun Sun's outfit was identical to Giselle's, but it was orange. A small army of snakes appeared around her. Apache took a taekwondo stance. She was dressed in a white t-shirt and shorts and sneakers.

"Ha, you think you can scare us?" Bambietta asked. "That's adorable."

"We were the cool, sexy evil bitches before you five cunts showed up!" Apache shouted. "It's payback time."

"Oh, really?" Bambietta asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Ya, really!" Apache shot back.

"Well, then I have one thing to say to that," Bambietta said and extended her arm into the air. "Honey Badgers! Assemble! Red Wyvern!"

"Yellow Roc!" Candice shouted.

Liltotto appeared by chomping down the wall behind Bambietta and Candice. She burped. "Blue Bear!"

Meninas bound forward, bursting through the wall boobs first. "Pink Tiger!"

Giselle dug her way up from underground with a shovel and stood with a dirt covered uniform. "Black Cobra."

"You named yourselves the Honey Badgers?" Loly asked, her sunglasses tilting.

"Yeah, cause we don't give a fuck," Candice said with a smirk. "What's your name? I bet it's something stupid."

"We don't have a dumb team name," Sun Sun said. "That would go against the Status Quo. We're agents of the SQRF. That's all you need to know."

"Exactly," Loly said as she prepared to fire her gun. However, before she could, flashing white lights sparked from behind Bambietta's group as two girls appeared on the rooftop. One was a blonde with blue eyes, wearing a fancy, red ballroom dress and high heels. The other was a pink and black haired gothic chick complete with long stockings, an appropriate dress and a blue bow in her hair.

"Oi, oi, oi," the blonde said. "This is déjà vu wouldn't you say, Stocking?"

"Yeah definitely déjà vu, Panty."

"Panty and Stocking?!" Meninas exclaimed, joyfully. She was a huge fan.

Panty and Stocking jumped down from the roof and landed in front of Bambietta's group. "You five bitches think you can just waltz in and spoil these girls' fun? Sorry, but shit don't work like that around here," Panty said to them, arms folded in the most badass way possible as well as having the cockiest of grins on her face.

"You really don't want to mess with the SQRF," Menoly said, unfazed. "You're likely to regret it."

"Ha, can you believe this broad?" Stocking asked, jabbing a thumb at her. "She actually thinks she can tell us what to do."

"No, but I know two people who can," Menoly said and whistled with her thumb and her forefinger in her mouth. In the next instant _another_ limousine pulled up as its front bumper tapped the front bumper of the SQRF's limo. From it stepped two demons, one with green hair cascading down around her and the other with blue hair in a ponytail with glasses.

"Oh great, it's those whores from canon," Stocking grumbled.

"Who are you calling a whore?" the green haired demon raged.

"Sister, calm down. We must behave ourselves in this other universe," the other demon said.

"You know these bitches?" Candice asked Panty.

"Yeah they're a couple of stiffs with poles up their asses about having fun."

"Fun nothing," Scanty said. "No matter the universe, we must always preserve the RRRRRUUUUURRUUUUS!"

"So awesome!" Menoly exclaimed. She'd never heard such amazing gratuitous English.

"Well shit looks like we got our work cut out for us," Panty said, unamused, arms folded.

"You wanna take care of these bimbos, and we'll take care of our own?" Candice asked her.

"Sounds like a plan," Panty said as she and Candice slapped five. Panty, Stocking, Scanty and Kneesocks then ran off to fight each other.

"Well that was a pointless cameo," Liltotto stated.

"But it'll help the ratings go up for sure," Meninas said.

"Or confuse the hell out of everyone and make people think we're wasting their time. Can we get on with it? I have my own status quo to fill and it's called getting my fill of violence and explosions per day. So let's go a round!" Bambietta shouted.

"Sure, first move is ours!" Loly exclaimed and shot Bambietta in the shoulder.

"AH! WHAT THE FUCK, IT HURTS SO BAD! FUCK! FUCK! SHIT!"

"These are special status quo bullets," Loly said with a straight face. "They bypass all forms of plot armor and defense and act on people how real bullets do. Of course, since my guns are specifically designed to restore the status quo, I can't aim for vital organs or kill you unless I have a method to revive so I guess you're lucky in that regard."

"Are you going to be all right, Bambietta?" Meninas asked her.

"Just fucking peachy," Bambietta snapped, holding her shoulder.

Suddenly all ten girls could feel the earth shaking. It was then that they noticed it was being caused by Giselle.

"You…hurt…Bambi-chan… **I'LL KILL YOU ALL!**" Suddenly, a large horde of zombies and skeletons riding demonic wolves with chainsaws for arms appeared around all ten girls. However, before they could attack, Apache zipped past everyone and karate chopped Giselle hard enough in the neck to knock her unconscious. All of the horror genre creatures disappeared instantaneously.

"That takes care of that bitch," Apache said only to get punched in the face hard by Meninas.

"You leave Gigi alone!" Apache crashed through several trees and then fainted with swirly eyes.

"You have such a loud mouth," Sun-Sun said, as she sent her snakes after Meninas. However, Liltotto opened her mouth and sucked them all in, only to turn purple. "Not your brightest move. My snakes are highly poisonous." Liltotto fainted from poison. "Anyone who's watched Inuyasha knows that any sort of inhale power will always have a counter to prevent it from being omnipotent."

"Yeah, well poison doesn't fare so well against lightning! Yellow Roc Thunderball!" Candice's attack zapped Sun Sun thoroughly and knocked her out.

"Well then, I say that just leaves the fanservice, yeah?" Bambietta asked, tipping her peaked cap.

"Seems so," Loly said.

And then, an epic fight ensued.

It was so epic that it would be spoken of for centuries, school students reciting the grand day of battle. When two forces of unimaginable power clashed, veritable titans of pure power, skill and determination, battling for hours upon hours, ideals clashing as hard as the weapons against one another. It was an epic so mighty that it would rival that of Siegfried, Hercules, Odysseus, Achilles, Gilgamesh, King Arthur, Horus, Beowulf, and many more. Mighty rulers like Ramses the great, Genghis Khan, Alexander the great, William the conqueror, Charles Martel, Tokugawa Ieyasu and more would be looked upon as "sure, they were powerful and all, but they weren't no Bambietta and crew". It was a battle so utterly epic, that nothing could truly describe its utter wonder and epic badassery.

Which is why the narrator, in a fit of trolling, decided not to even try.

And that's how Bambietta lay there, on the ground, wholly broken down, her clothes damaged to appropriately show off as much of her body as possible. Some things never changed.

"Fuckin' piece of shit narrator, refusing to show how awesome I am, or how close it was, or how epic my fight was…" She grumbled.

U mad?

"FUCK YOU!"

Sorry- I can't hear you over how you got owned like a little bitch by the Status Quo agents.

"It's all over." Loly said coolly, aiming a hand cannon at Bambietta. She too had suffered clothing damage, although not nearly as much. "Surrender peacefully, and this will all go away, and you will go back to your normal life."

"Fuck you…" Bambietta managed, panting from the huge and epic fight that we didn't show you.

U mad?

"All right then." Said Loly, and shot Bambietta once, twice, right in the kneecaps.

"FUCKING OW! GOD DAMN IT SON OF A BITCH! AAAARGH!" Bambietta shouted. "The fuck kind of heroes are you anyway?"

"The kind that can shoot people in the kneecaps and then undo it," Loly said, smirking confidently.

"Well what now?" Candice asked.

"I dunno! Shouldn't Uryu be saving us right about now?" Bambietta asked, biting back the pain from having been shot.

"He can't," Loly said. "You exposed his identity."

"What? Why is that a thing?"

"Didn't you read the manual? You can't go exposing the masked hero like that. It's against the rules! Oh excuse me, against the RRRRRRUUUURRRRRUS"

"Do you really need to roll your tongue like that?" Bambietta asked dryly.

"Screw the rules, we're honey badgers!" Candice shouted only to get shot in the leg. "Ah! Fuck you, bitch!"

"Wait! Meninas! You're Uryu's love interest, right? He has to show up then!"

"Oh, I got over him a week ago," Meninas said. "I'm much more interested in that dreamy uptown boy, Byakuya Kuchiki!"

"…well then, we're fucked," Bambietta said.

"Damn straight!" Menoly said as she began charging a giant ball of energy.

Loly gasped. "Menoly, no!"

"Too much pink energy is dangerous!" Mila Rose shouted at her.

"Who cares? That's exactly what we want! We're gonna reset the status quo anyway so let's kick some ass while we're at it!"

"She's gone mad with power!" Loly shouted.

"Well you know what they say," Bambietta said. "Absolute power corrupts absolutely."

"Oh shut up!" Loly chastised.

However, before Menoly could throw the giant death ball, a figure stood atop what little undamaged rooftop there was left of the school. She was coated in a blinding white light that made it nigh impossible to see who she was.

"WAIT!" she shouted at the top of her lungs.

"Huh?" Bambietta turned her head up to look at her.

"…oh shit, it's her," Loly winced.

Menoly immediately began powering down her death ball until it extinguished with a "boop" sound effect. She then put her hands behind her back and floated down to the ground, giving her best kid-friendly smile, chuckling nervously. "Oh-oh, my lady!" She said, with a painfully forced smile. "I had- I had no idea you would be coming here, somebody as powerful and talented as yourself intervening in these lowly matters…"

"Oooh, sparkly," Meninas said, looking up at the newcomer.

"What have you done to my sister's school?" the newcomer shouted.

"We haven't done shit! It's those bitches that did everything!" Mila Rose shouted at her.

"If you would fight and damage the property of others it is a sin to call yourselves human, you pigs in human clothing!" The blinding lights around the woman ceased, revealing her long black hair, prim and proper white coat and long, sheathed katana, of which both her hands were placed on the pommel. She radiated power and female empowerment. Nothing said "feminist and loving it" like a fascist, rule-of-the-strong, Social Darwinist ideologue.

"What kind of Orwellian matriarch is this bitch?" Bambietta asked, unamused.

The woman jumped down and stood in between the SQRF and the Honey Badgers. She faced them both. "I am Satsuki Kiryuin! And you will all repair Ryuko Matoi High School THIS! INSTANT!"

"But this isn't even supposed to be a crossover…" Loly mumbled.

You really should know your stories better, you know. This is MADNESS, and not the Spartan kind. It is proper, pink-pony-on-cocaine madness.

"And what if we don't feel like it, huh?" Bambietta asked.

"Then you can all file a complaint with customer service," Satsuki said as Gamagori, Uzu, Nonon and Inumuta appeared behind her.

"Pssht, like we're afraid of a little hired muscle," Candice jeered.

"You say that now," Nonon said with a trickster smile, "but what will you say when I pull out THIS!" Each member of the Satsuki's Elite Four then pulled out the only weapon more torturous than School Days: the Master of Martial Hearts DVD. Even the members of the SQRF were blank with shock, the color draining from their bodies and clothing.

"NO! It's so horrible!" Candice shouted, looking away.

"How could you be so cruel?" Bambietta shouted. "That's against the Geneva convention! And I'm pretty sure it violates all of the human rights!"

"Because I'm god, bitch!" Satsuki shouted. "Now put this school back in order!"

"HAI, SATSUKI-SAMA!" Everyone in the SQRF and the Honey Badgers, including the previously unconscious and defeated members, stood up and saluted, Bambietta somehow managing this on broken kneecaps out of pure fear.

* * *

**At a remote location**

**On a Deserted Island**

Elsewhere, in a black tower that totally wasn't evil or anything, Ikumi Unagiya watched the reconstruction of the school, wearing a dark hood over her face, flanked by Urahara and Yoruichi.

"It's so beautiful," she said, tears in her eye, "who knew that just a bit of intimidation and threat of bodily harm and severe psychological trauma would trigger these youngsters into behaving like semi-decent human beings no matter how brief?"

* * *

**Meanwhile…**

With her business concluded, Satsuki and the Elite Four charted a helicopter to take them back to their new HQ. Satsuki had found a new perk, working Illusion Incorporated. As she arrived at the office, she was greeted by her boss, Sosuke Aizen.

"Good work, Satsuki Kiryuin."

"I did what you asked- now return my sister to me," Satsuki demanded.

He smirked his most condescending smirk, and said, "Sorry, Satsuki, but it appears your little sister is at another castle."

"Oh hell no!" Satsuki sneered. "You did NOT just use that overused video game reference! We had a deal, Aizen! I never expected that a sneaky, untrustworthy and manipulative villain like yourself would go back on his word!"

Aizen giggled evilly. "I think you'll find I have much, much more use for you like this. Also… this entire skyscraper is an illusion."

As the illusion dissolved, and Satsuki started to plummet towards her certain-but-not-really-because-of-plot-shields death, she shouted, "CURSE YOU, AIZEN SOUSUKE! DAMN YOU TO HELL!"

Elsewhere, in a non-illusory tower of Evil, Aizen sat at his desk, practicing his most evil snicker. Everything was going just as planned…

"That sounds great, Aizen-sama!" Said the blond, one-eyed Harume Nui, her voice coming from under his desk.

"Quiet, you, and get back to work," Aizen said, readjusting his opened pants.

"Yes, Aizen-sama!" She said cheerily, and there were soon slurping noises to be heard.

Being evil came with a lot of perks…Ohhhhhh yeeeeeeeesssssssssss.

* * *

**(A/N: My apologies to everyone who now hates me because we're having Nui suck Aizen's dick, but quite frankly I fucking hate Nui. My apologies also to everyone who hasn't watched Kill la Kill and now knows that Ryuko and Satsuki are sisters. Ummm, we MAY revisit this plot point in a later episode if you guys review to the effect that we should, but not for several chapters. This isn't a crossover, but hey sky's the limit when the Rule of Funny is our bitch. No estimate one when another chapter will be released. I'm purchasing Xenoblade Chronicles for 3DS on Friday so that'll take me at least 10 days to finish and I haven't even started on chapter 5, least I don't think I have. It has been a while. But I hope you enjoyed this. I'm off to do more work on Fairy Without Wings. Ja ne!)**


	5. Episode 5

**(A/N: Neither I nor my co-author have anything to say to kick off the chapter. Just enjoy at the expense of your sanity. Don't worry, I have a bucket and tweezers to pick up your discarded brain cells)**

Disclaimer: This fanfic is for non-profit and is not meant to be taken seriously. It's pure on crack comedy. Please do not read if you're the type that easily offends.

* * *

**Beverly Hills, CA**

**Ryuko Matoi High School**

With the status quo restored, Bambietta was sitting in her history class, face down on her desk. She wasn't sleeping so much as she was annoyed that all the work she and the others had done was for naught. No one remembered who they were, not that it would matter any if they did. The looming threat of Satsuki Kiryuin and a Master of Martial Hearts DVD loomed over Bambietta and the Honey Badgers' heads like a guillotine.

The status quo force had been damn efficient. Bambietta had never expected that you could rewrite reality- if she could, Kurosaki-senpai would be noticing her, she'd be eating nothing but pastries, all of which wouldn't put a dent in her figure- in fact, pastries would be healthy, and vegetables would be cancer-inducing calorie sinks that everyone hated, and vegans would be grossly overweight and dying out from heart attacks. The entire world would respect her authoreteah, and… well, she had to think about that. Bambietta was not terribly ambitious.

But rewrite reality, they could- they had revived the principal, who had only looked mildly confused as weeks' worth of decay, plus a fatal injury, just faded away. They had taken away all the cool stuff they did, and restored the school to its totally boring state of being not ruined and full of students who were generally not cowering in terror. Boooooring. And to top it off, they had waved these black, flashing sticks at people, and their memories just seemed to fade away, all while wearing douche black suits and sunglasses. Somebody really needed to tell them that the gimmicky CIA look only worked on actual CIA agents, and it's not something you should try and wear unless your job was suppressing free speech and censoring anything that opposed an imperialistic regime. Or as the republicans would call it, freedom.

But at the very least, Giselle had managed to keep her collection of corpses, safely stashed in an outhouse- somebody had something to be happy about, at least. She was sure all of them were rapists or something, because you kinda had to have _some_ justification when you were the heroes… right? Knowing that the answer to that might not be what she'd want, Bambietta decided to turn her thoughts elsewhere- to her special happy place, which was Kurosaki-senpai bathing naked in a pool of doughnuts, rubbing their sugary contents all over his fantastic, well-toned abds…

Oh crap. Now she was drooling again.

The whole ordeal was enough to make Bambietta want to scream in the middle of class and cluck like a chicken on her desk, but she had standards. Scream she might, but she'ddunk her teacher's head into the goldfish bowl on her desk while she was at it**. **Either way, she had neither the stamina nor the willpower to do so, especially since she'd get a detention slip. Detention sucked. Wait, no, that was perfect! If she got detention, maybe she'd see her dreamboat crush Ichigo Kurosaki. He almost always got detention, because he was always picking fights, even though those fights were in self-defense. And the people who started it always seemed to manage to get a slap on the wrist. It was kind of weird how blatant bullying could be without any adults doing anything about it, period, but then again the thought of Ichigo punching people in the face made her moist, so she couldn't complain.

So, grinning as her head flung upright, Bambietta stopped smiling and then screamed at the top of her lungs.

"Miss Basterbine, is there a—"

Without hesitating, Bambietta dunked her teacher's head into the goldfish bowl, as only a high school delinquent could. As her teacher pulled her head out of the bowl, water dripping from her hair and glasses, she resisted the urge to scream herself. She simply very calmly pointed to the door and said, "To the principal's office, Miss Basterbine and don't forget the hall pass."

_YES! _Bambietta exclaimed internally.

* * *

"Girl, you have problems," Candice told her when she heard what Bambietta did and why, as they ate lunch in the cafeteria—a rarity since their hostile takeover.

"Oh, and you don't? You and your drug dealing boyfriend have such rough sex you both got a black eye."

Candice whined as she leaned back in her chair. "But isn't that what people do when you have sex?" She said, sounding confused. "You rip each other's clothes off, then you snuggle for a bit, then he puts his **** in your **** and it feels good, and when it starts feeling _really_ good, you start slapping each other and when you come, you just punch them in the face-"

"No." Bambietta said flatly. "No, that is not how sex works. Period. Ever. Except for the **** in **** part."

"We can't say p*nis in v*gina?" Candice said.

"It's an American thing," Bambietta said, shrugging. "If we want a deal with fox, we can totally dismember people and wear their faces as hats, but if we suggest that nipples exist… we're f**ked."

"We can dismember people and wear their faces as hats?!" Giselle exclaimed cheerfully.

"…forget I said anything." Bambietta mumbled. "So, Grimmjow, boyfriend, violent s*x. Go on."

"Don't remind me." Candice said uncomfortably. "I heard the SQRF couldn't find his body, and even if they did, we aren't allowed to see each other or have s*x again until I've really earned it. It's not fair. It's like winning the lottery, only for the government to appropriate your ticket before you can turn it in."

"Oh, don't get so down, Candy-chan. Look on the bright side," Meninas said cheerfully.

"What bright side?" Candice asked.

"We can go home again without our parents thinking we're freaks of nature."

It started out as mere snickering, but within a minute, Liltotto, Giselle, Candice and Bambietta were laughing hysterically.

"What? Did I say something funny?" Meninas was confused.

"Oh Meninas," Giselle said, "Everyone knows anime protagonists don't have parents and if they do they're never spoken about or seen. Except in this setting where people do have parents. But in all the _other_ shows, protagonists don't have parents. Totally."

"But I still live with my parents," Meninas said, looking like she was about to burst into tears, "My mother even gave me a hug this morning. I was so happy."

"Okay, okay," Liltotto said, patting Meninas on the head like she was a large doe-eyed puppy, "No need to lose yourself over it. We know you're the only relatively normal one in this group. You can be the exception to the rule." This was enough to make Meninas smile, and not cry.

And at this, everyone went around the room explaining what happened to their parents and what their living arrangements were.

"Wait, why?" Candice asked the narrator.

Character development. We have to squeeze it in somehow, and as long as I'm now a legitimate character you interact with, I'm going to abuse my position as much as I like.

"Wait, when did that change happen?" Bambietta asked.

The writers noticed it last chapter. I'm pretty much the same as the narrator from Into the Woods, except I'm part of a Hive Mind, so even if you kill me someone else is bound to take my place. …Uh…wait…you didn't read me saying that. It's not true!

* * *

**PLEASE STAND BY!**

* * *

As the fanfic was rebooted on account of the narrator breaking the fabric of the in-universe reality, the SQRF was forced to take measures to replace him in the not-Hive Mind type of sense. I mean, really, something like that would be silly even by this series' standards.

Of course, the Honey Badgers were expected to forget this development and continue as if nothing strange had happened.

"You know, this isn't exactly something you can just wipe from people's brains right?" Bambietta asked.

Do you want to watch the Master of Martial Hearts episodes?

"No, sir," Bambietta said meekly.

Then character development, missy!

"Uh, right… so… who wants to go first?"

"I will!" Giselle exclaimed happily.

"Uh, no, not you Gigi," Bambietta said. "You go last. Because none of what we say is going to freak out the readers as much."

"Aw, c'mon," Giselle frowned.

"I said no," Bambietta said.

"Aw c'mon, pleaaaaaaaase?" Giselle pleaded.

"Ugh, fine," Bambietta sighed.

"Yay," Giselle cheered. "So like, full disclosure here. Even the government doesn't know what I've done. Like, they think my parents are still alive and stuff. So like, if you could keep what I'm about to say hush hush, that'd be great."

"Oy vey, Gigi, what did you _do_?" Bambietta asked, palming her face.

"Oy vey?" Liltotto asked. "Isn't that awfully Yiddish for someone with a German surname?"

"Well, I—" Bambietta was going to explain.

"Excuse me, **but I do believe I was talking,**" Giselle said.

"Er, right, sorry," Liltotto apologized.

"Right, so to answer your question Bambi-chan- when I was eleven, my mother came home drunk from work, fired. She beat me, so I took a kitchen knife and carved her eyeballs out. And then I stabbed her fifty times in the chest. And then I opened her up and took out all of her internal organs and flushed them down the toilet one by one. Then I stitched her back up and now she sits at the kitchen table all the time. I'm still waiting for my real mother to come home, 'cause my mother would never hit me the way that imposter did."

No one wanted to question Giselle on this point so, Bambietta, against her better judgment asked, "So…what happened to your dad?"

"Would you believe that when he came home, he wouldn't listen to me when I thought she was an impostor? He was acting all heartbroken and stuff, and I started suspecting he was an impostor too. I mean, my _real_ dad would see that she was a fake, I just know it. So I told him my life's dream: to own a purple unicorn capable of writing letters about friendship lessons, and eventually growing wings, causing immense rage and fan civil wars. I mean, is that so much to ask?" Giselle said innocently.

"Y'know, against every better judgment I can think of, and at the risk of my mental health, I'm going to ask what happened next." Bambietta said, bracing herself.

"Well, he wouldn't even listen!" Giselle said indignantly. "Can you imagine that- I just rid ourselves of a dangerous impostor, and made a _perfectly reasonable_ request, and he was talking about calling the police! That's when I _knew_ he was an impostor, too. So I stuck a needle full of drugs in him."

"…then what?" Bambietta said, preparing vomiting muscles.

"Oh, nothing special," Giselle chirped. "I just strapped him to a bed, and started flaying him alive. I tried putting him in a diving suit from the fifties with a giant drill attached to it, but it just wouldn't work. So I cut out his organs and sold them to our neighbor. Very nice man, that Doctor Lecter. Then I summoned some dark forces not meant to be tempered with by mankind, I don't remember which- I think he was called Baal. Anyway, Baal-chan had a look at my head, and then he threw up, and asked what the hell I wanted. I said I wanted to trade my fake dad's soul in exchange for a reasonable, lifetime government pension plus a lollipop. It worked. He couldn't fulfill my wish fast enough."

"…you know, I'm actually managing to keep my lunch down. I'm surprised." Bambietta said, taking a deep breath. "Nope- wait." Bending to the side of the table, she retched, throwing up her lunch.

After wiping her mouth, looking a little pale, she said, "Wait, so if both your parents are dead, how are you still making a living and paying the bills?" Bambietta asked.

"Demonically induced government pension!" Giselle said. "I told you, silly! I tried to wish for that purple unicorn, but a pink demon of some kind haunted my house for some time when I tried that, telling me to "smile, smile, smile". It was really creepy."

"Right. _That_ is the creepy part." Bambietta said, suppressing another urge to retch. "Well, that was about what I expected- utterly horrifying, but that's you."

"It sure is!" Giselle said, beaming brightly.

Candice and Meninas for their part looked no less pale.

"Soo… demon summoning. Murdered parents. Neighbours with a notorious cannibal. Yes, that sounds about right." Candice said.

"Doctor Lecter gives me piano lessons sometimes!" Giselle said happily.

"…do you ever think about doing that to us?" Bambietta asked. "No, wait- I don't want to know."

"Of course not, silly. You're not impostors." She smiled, but then the smile faded away. "Of course, if you were…" There was a cold, strange look in her face, one that would have made Charles Manson proud. "But you're not!" She smiled again.

"Right, guess I'll go second, then." Candice said as she cracked her knuckles and then leaned back in her chair, bending one leg as she put her foot on her knee. "So see, like, when I was nine my parents got a divorce and I was living with my dad for a while, but then it turned out he owed both the Mexican drug cartel, the Mafia, and the FBI a _lot_ of money. Like, my pops was a regular Frank Abignail Jr. Since both the Cartel and the Mafia didn't wanna get caught after they axed my old man, the feds pretty much own my ass and my house."

"Shouldn't you be in therapy or foster care or living with your mom?" Meninas asked.

"Therapy? In a shonen anime?" Candice snorted. "Don't you know childhood trauma is supposed to be milked for dramatic value? The more miserable you are on the inside, the better! Facing your issues and getting over them and having a healthy life? Pfft- you might as well commit character suicide, nobody wants to watch _that_. And my mom… she escaped to South America with a Puerto Rican personal trainer named Heraldo, or something. They tried putting me in foster care, but seeing as I'm Old Man Catnipp's little girl, well yeah, the mob doesn't forget. People die around me."

"Well, that explains a lot," Meninas said.

"Spoiler," Bambietta said dryly, being the genre savvy gamer chick that she was, "Grimmjow's gonna turn out to be part of the Cartel or the Mafia."

"Eat my shit, you little bitch!" Candice exclaimed, flipping Bambietta off. "I told you, he's just misunderstood."

"The same way Joffrey Baratheon was misunderstood?" Bambietta said.

"It's not his fault! Sansa is a bitch anyway!"

"All right, I think we need a normal story," Liltotto said, breaking off Bambietta and Candice. "So, here are my origins, for everyone paying attention." Subtle, Liltotto. "Thank you. Anyway, I was dropped on the doorstep of an orphanage when I was only a day or two old. I heard my mother's body was found with the police everywhere, arresting the guy that killed her. I stayed at the orphanage till I was eleven, then I got a one-time child acting deal in Hollywood and I've had enough cash to sustain myself in a studio apartment. I make my own rules, my own bedtime and my own food, because I'm a strong independent woman who don't need no walking set of testicles, yada yada yada, praise overlord Sarkeesian."

"Huh. What were you a child actor for?" Bambietta asked.

"Dunno, this is usually the part where an actor allusion should be made, but I'm a manga character," Liltotto shrugged.

"Right then, my turn, I guess."

"Strange for the main protagonist to go last, isn't it?" Meninas asked.

"Bah, I'm practically the protagonist," Giselle said. "The writer's love me because of how fucked up I am. I don't know what they mean though. I mean, what's so fucked up about slaying the unborn with black magic, or running an organ trading ring for the New York Cannibal Enthusiasts. They're just interested in an alternative diet! And people are so _squeamish_ about impaling people on spikes. I mean, it's for science! What's wrong with that?"

"Everything," Candice said with a blank, shocked stare, "anything and everything. If there was a Nobel Prize in Upfuckedness and No-Just-No, Seriously-Just-Don't, you'd be up for the next awards."

"Anyway, _as I was saying, _my origins start back in Germany of 1937 when a man named Siegfried Basterbine fell in love with a woman named Sarah Goldberg. She was put in the ghettos a year later and then taken to Auschwitz almost as soon as it opened. Siegfried was reassigned to the concentration camp and kept an eye on this woman until they both defied the Führer and fled Auschwitz together, Siegfried shooting his own people for survival. With nothing but sheer luck and willpower, they made it to port. In times before the internet, news had not yet spread of Siegfried's betrayal and he was able to get Sarah onto the boat, referring to her by the Basterbine name to see safe passage for her. He didn't have enough money for both of them. He was eventually put in the camps a month later and died on his feet only a month before the war ended."

"That doesn't make any sense," Candice said, "wouldn't her big nose have given Sarah away?" Candice was shocked when Bambietta sucker punched her in the face.

"Don't you _dare_ talk about my Bubbe like that!" Bambietta shouted, towering over her, ire in her eye so fierce it could be mistaken for blood thirst.

Everyone's jaws dropped open. "Bambi-chan, you're Jewish?" Meninas asked.

"Um, duh. Haven't you guys noticed when I stop eating bread for a whole week sometimes? I was keeping kosher for Pesach." Bambietta asked.

"You've literally never mentioned this before, ever. You never wear any of those weird religious hats, or speak Yiddish, or… well, what _do_ Jews do? I just know that you're the most un-Jewish Jew that ever Jewed." Said Liltotto.

"But wait, what happened to your grandma?" Liltotto asked. "It sounds like you think the world of her."

Bambietta sighed as she begrudgingly helped Candice to her feet. Candice didn't say anything rude. She had really crossed the line and she knew it. "She's an old woman, so she's in the hospital now on her deathbed," Bambietta said. "My parents got caught up in an earthquake when I was five. Their bodies shielded me from debris. So Nana Sarah is my only living family."

"Okay, but that doesn't exactly explain the whole carpet bombing ants thing," Candice said, continuing to rub her nose.

"Oh, that? That's just cause I'm pissed off all the time cause of losing my parents when I was a kid and my grandma is in the hospital so the only thing keeping my income afloat is my parents' life insurance. So I feel the need to lash out. Turns out the insurance paid out seventy percent more if they died from an earthquake. Who'd a thunk it?"

"But wait, if your grandma was Basterbine, how did you keep the name?" Meninas asked. "Didn't she marry someone else?"

"Hey, it's not like the distance from Auschwitz to port is less than a day on foot," Bambietta said. "What would you do if it was the last time you might see the person you loved alive?"

The whole room was deaaaaaaaaaad quiet. The implication that Bambietta's father was a bastard, combined with everything else she had mentioned, made a silence so awkward that even the awkward turtle wouldn't be able to lighten the mood.

"Soooooooooooooo," Giselle in her usual, high pitched cheer, "before this chapter takes a turn for the worse, has anyone seen Mitzy?"

Unbeknownst to Giselle, her pet Tarantula Mitzy was skittering through the lunchroom before pulling out a tiny fedora hat, putting it on her head and crawling into the vent high up on the wall. Upon doing so, she slid down a series of tubes until she ended up in front of a huge computer screen, where a woman with long green hair, dressed like a US Marine, stood with the words "CC" embroidered in gold on her uniform. The first C stood for Colonel. Only her closest friends knew what the second C stood for, so everyone in the Marines either called her CC or Colonel C. Her hobbies included sexually harassing nubile young men, eating pizza, and trolling geniuses with her wily, mysterious ways.

As Mitzy landed on a pillow in front of the huge monitor, CC spoke to her. "Agent T, good to see you. Did you enjoy your time off?"

Mitzy's fangs just jittered back and forth.

"Right. Well, Professor Heidi Douchenozzle is up to her usual tricks again! Go out there and put a stop to it!"

Mitzy saluted to CC with two of her left-side limbs, and then rocketed out an escape tunnel with a tarantula sized, rocket powered hang glider.

"Well, then," CC said, pressing a button, causing a panel in the wall to swing out, creating a makeshift bedroom- god, military defense spending was _good_, especially when you were corrupt and taking bribes from a totally-not-sith-lord executive. And on the bed that just swung out lay a young man, chained to the bed posts, with black hair, and a fierce, defiant and very embarrassed look and reddish eyes… and next to him, a slice of pizza.

"Damn it, woman! Let me go!"

"Oh, we'll see about that…" Colonel C said, approaching the bed. Time to combine her three favourite hobbies… all while being on duty. Being corrupt was _fun_.

* * *

**Ryuko Matoi High School**

As Mitzy headed towards a mission so secret that not even her owner knew about it, Bambietta was skipping towards detention as if it was the best place to be. And, for her, it was. Besides, she'd never had a chance to tell her friends about her past so she was walking on air at the moment. As she burst into the detention hall she took a seat in the middle. Ichigo hadn't arrived yet, but that didn't mean he wouldn't.

Bambietta sat up straight and eyed the entrance with hopeful eyes, waiting for his inevitable arrival. However, after ten minutes of no show, Bambietta started to get worried. Ichigo almost always got detention, and on the days he didn't, it was usually due to family reasons—the anniversary of his mother's death—or he was out sick. How he managed to stay in school with that kind of rap sheet was anyone's guess. Then again, it was always detention. He'd never been suspended, so maybe the school understood that he was just a dashing, handsome, misunderstood soul with great abs and a really big d*ck. Which was meant for Bambietta Basterbine, and nobody else.

Still, Bambietta's patience was running thin when her Honey Badger watch beeped. With the silence in the detention hall, everyone heard it. "Uh, may I—"

"No." The teacher in charge of detention said, shutting down Bambietta's request to go to the bathroom. Because savvy teachers knew when students wanted to answer text messages.

"But it's _reaaaaaally _important," Bambietta said.

"Unless your house is burning down, Miss Basterbine, you will stay in your seat."

"Okay, then how about I piss all over your desk?! I have to go, asshole!" Bambietta exclaimed, flipping the teacher off. She was already in detention- what worse trouble could she get in? But she had to circumvent this obnoxious teacher- okay, think…

A master of subtlety as she was, Bambietta thought of a solution. With alarm in her voice, she stood up and screamed:

"OH MY GOD! THE FIRE NATIONS IS COMING!" In a panicked voice, pointing at the window. For just a second, all the students, and the teacher, looked away- and it was all the time Bambietta needed to grab her chair, and fling it at the teacher's head. He wouldn't die, Status Quo would see to that- but he was out cold.

"When he comes to, tell him this was all Zuko's fault! I have to go restore my honour!" Bambietta shouted, hastily exiting the classroom. "And by honour, I mean senpai's d*ck! And by restore, I mean 'put in my vag*na!'"

Once Bambietta got to the bathroom and shut the door to a stall, her communicator teleported her across the globe in front of Ikumi, surrounded by her friends.

"You have no idea how happy I am to see you for once," Bambietta said to Ikumi.

"Well you'll be happier to hear that today you're going to Saturn to rescue your boyfriend."

"Why Saturn?" Bambietta questioned.

"Because Bunny Moon moved her satellite," Ikumi explained. "After all, she does want revenge on this planet. She can't remain orbiting Uranus forever."

"Y'know, I'm not Bambi Nye the science gal, but I'm pretty sure that Uranus is two point six billion kilometers out in space, and the time it would take to get there is… well, pretty freaking long! Did we master deep space travel with wormholes, or some crap?"

"Oh, we'll just handwave it with science-but-actually-magic babble," Ikumi said, waving her hand dismissively.

"Doesn't this violate the status quo?" Bambietta said suspiciously.

"The plot moving forward isn't changing the status quo."

"Actually, I'm pretty sure it does. I mean-"

"You want to go out to Saturn and rescue Ichigo." Ikumi said, making a mysterious gesture with her hand.

"I want to go out to Saturn and rescue Ichigo." Bambietta droned. There was a glassy look in her eye, but then it faded. "Anyway," Bambietta shook her head, "What do you mean boyfriend? Unless…" she squeed and then said, "I knew it! Something happened to Ichigo! When do we leave?"

"Hang on, now," Ikumi said, seeing Bambietta's enthusiasm, "I still have to give out the mission details."

"Details, Schmetails! My orange haired hunk awaits us!"

"I think we should listen to her," Liltotto said, "I mean, what are you going to do, fly all the way to Saturn?"

"Yes! Because plot convenience."

Sorry. No can do. Listen to your boss.

"Aw, c'mon!"

"So anyway," Ikumi said, "As I was saying, Bunny Moon wants to harvest Ichigo's soul because he has possessed inside it since his birth the unique quality known as Super Ultra Titanium Shikon No Tama Unobtanium Woomagical Super Rare Super-"

"Does this thing have a name that _isn't_ five hundred words long?"

"It goes on for another page or so, but we just call it the Plotkai." Ikumi said.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Bambietta said, hardly even caring, "Like I said, no details necessary. Now, how are we getting to Saturn?"

"Well, you'd have to fly at a ridiculous speed to get there normally, and every spaceship I could build is slower than the five of you at top speed. So I called in an expert to help you defy the laws of reality."

"Chuck Norris?" Giselle questioned.

"Bah! Who'd hire that homophobic bible-thumping creationist has-been anyway? Everyone knows he just wants himself in every man! Besides, I'm Japanese. No, I called in a _real_ expert." Ikumi folded her arms and grinned like a demon. "Any of you play a Sega Saturn?"

The five magical girls turned white. "No!" Candice exclaimed. "Not him!"

Instantly, through the supposedly impossible to break ceiling, an Asian man in a white karate uniform with black hair and a large Sega Saturn strapped to his back descended from above into the room. "_Sega Satān, shiro!" _

"Um, what did he say?" Bambietta asked, only for the large bulky man to suddenly beat the crap out of all five Honey Badgers in less than a second, because they weren't playing a Sega Saturn.

"_Sega Satān, shiro!"_

"S-Segata Sanshiro…" Candice uttered before passing out.

The hero of Sega then turned to face Ikumi, arms folded.

"I have a Saturn and every game on it. It's part of my son's special training," Ikumi said with a grin. Segata bowed honorably to Ikumi.

* * *

After the Honey Badgers recovered, Ikumi explained Segata's presence. "Segata is going to train you all in the art of Sega Saturn. It'll help you defy the laws of physics via a training montage that'll only be relevant to this chapter because the SQRF are going to delete its existence in-between chapters because no one in the universe should be as memetically overpowered as Segata Sanshiro."

No one questioned this. Any of them had it in them to badmouth the Sega Saturn and its abilities…just not in front of its holy defender.

"Right, enjoy your training montage," Ikumi said.

"Prepare yourself!" Sanshiro exclaimed, looking stern and grim. "You all rack disciprine! But I, Segata Sanshiro, will-"

"Wait, isn't there something missing?" Said Bambietta. "Like, some rock music playing in the background…"

"Very astute, young grasshopper." Segata snapped his finger, and a giant boombox warped into existence from the sheer awesome willpower that he possessed. He snapped his finger again, and it began to sound.

"That… doesn't sound like any eighties song I ever heard." Bambietta said.

"Wait! It sounds like _every_ eighties song I ever heard!" Candice exclaimed.

"This, young grasshoppers, is _Eye of another one pushes the limit of the tigerdust_." Said Segata. "It is the most purely concentrated remix of cheesy eighties rock, for maximum efficiency. Now, BEGIN!"

* * *

**Douchenozzle Wicked Incorporated**

While the Honey Badgers were trained in the art of Sega Saturn, after rocketing across the air on her hang glider, Mitzy arrived at Heidy Douchenozzle's secret lair, which was right out in the open in the middle of Los Angeles with a large HD neon sign printed on the side of the building. Douchenozzle was a firm believer in hiding in plain sight, especially as no policemen would _ever_ expect anybody so obviously evil to be actually evil; that would just be implausible.

As Mitzy crashed into the glass window, she landed on the floor of Heidy's penthouse laboratory. As a mad scientist, Heidy wore the stereotypical lab coat, black shirt, black pants and black shoes. She had blonde hair, red lipstick and her bangs covered her right eye. She tried her best to bring things to life with electricity, but hadn't quite yet gotten the evil cackle of 'It's aliiiive! It's aliiiiive!' right yet.

The moment Professor Heidy Douchenozzle saw Mitzy, she looked right at the tiny secret agent and said, "Mitzy the Tarantula, I didn't think you'd drop by. And by didn't think, I mean I totally did!" With the pull of a nearby lever, a small iron cage dropped right on top of Mitzy, trapping the secret agent.

Heidy then began to tap her fingertips together, reveling in her Saturday morning cartoon levels of evilness. "You're just in time to see my greatest attempt to take over California yet. You see, when I was a little girl, all I wanted was to play on the beach with all the other children! But my father, an Austrian con man serving a lifetime in the FBI as an investigator of supernatural threats, Pie Terrorism and Jell-o inspection, wouldn't let me because he was afraid of giant antlions from outer space invading it! Instead, he locked me in the cellar, flooded it with gasoline, set it on fire and listened to me roast like a well done French fry! Every night! I always ate cyanide for lunch, bucketfuls of it, and if he was in a good mood he'd _not_ run my fingers through a meat grinder, and settle for just flushing me down the toilet like a sizeable goldfish! We had spacious sewers."

She paused, sentimental at the notion of cyanide lunches.

"And so, my Asteroidinator will send a tractor beam far out into space that it'll pull a large asteroid out from the belt and bring it crashing into the Pacific Ocean, causing a tidal wave so large that it will flood ALL of the beaches in California and most of the western shore. Then, no one will be able to go swimming. The oceanfront economy will collapse, and all of California will bow before the mind of the great Heidy Douchenozzle." Heidy then put the back of her hand underneath her chin, bending her fingers in a perfectly refined manner and chortled with a very aristocratic tone. "Oh ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho!"

However, in the time that it took for Heidy to exposit her evil plan to Mitzy, the tiny tarantula had gnawed a hole in Heidy's trap and disabled the Asteroidinator by biting certain wires in it. When Heidy noticed this, she sighed.

"After over two dozen encounters, you'd think I'd learn to just squish the stupid thing." Mitzy then webbed Heidy in the face, tied her up and proceeded to grab her hang glider and rocket back out the broken window. "Curse you, Mitzy the Tarantula!" Heidy shouted as Mitzy took off with background singers playing out her theme music.

_A-GENT_ _Teeeeeeeeeee!_

* * *

**Meanwhile on an orbital satellite around Saturn**

With their training from Segata Sanshiro completed off screen- it had _totally_ been rigorous, demanding and led to several personal insights and character growth and crap- the Honey Badgers used his physics defying powers to break into Bunny Moon's satellite base to rescue Ichigo Kurosaki. They found Ichigo inside a dark chamber with metal walls, tied to an enormous circular metal orb, black in colour, with a giant antenna aiming into space. It hummed with power, and also the tune of "my favourite things" from the Sounds of Music.

"Well, if it isn't the Mahou Shoujo Niji Tenshi," Bunny Moon said.

"We're the Honey Badgers!" Candice said.

"Wait, what? I thought you were—"

"We changed our names. You must not have gotten the memo," Liltotto said.

"Wh-whatever." Bunny Moon said and started her evil speech over. "Well, if it isn't the Honey Badgers. You're just in time to witness my most ingenious plan ever. I shall send out my bunny ray across space, giving everybody the meek and frightened demeanor of a rabbit,and then no one will stop me!"

"Get your hands off d*ck dispenser! I mean, uh, my sex obje- I mean, uh- my boyfr- I mean uh, love interest!" Bambietta shouted, stuttering somewhat. "Don't look at me like that! It's not like I just want him for his body! His hot, muscular, sexy body that I want to shave and just rub oil all over…" She began to drool a little.

Bunny Moon was startled by this development. "Wait, you like him? Hold on." Bunny Moon cleared her throat. "Surrender, Honey Badgers, or else I will send out my bunny ray across space, giving everybody the meek and frightened demeanor of a rabbit! Wait, crap, I said that already…"

"But then that gives us no incentive to surrender," Candice said. "You're not really good at this whole 'villain' thing are you?"

"Silence, fools! I am the night! I am the dorkness!I am the greatest evil this world has ever seen. I am Bunny Moon and you will all—"

"Oh, _shut up!_" Candice exclaimed, and decked Bunny Moon in the face, sending her spiraling to the ground.

"Hey, wait a minute! You can't interrupt my evil speech!" Bunny Moon said, getting to her feet.

"Oh, I'm sorry," Bambietta said, grinning satanically, "You must have us confused with those goody two-shoes Lawful Good heroes. We're the Honey Badgers. We don't give a fuck."

As the five members of the Honey Badgers closed in, Bunny Moon trembled before them on her knees and then screamed. Her beat down was so violent and disturbing that we aren't permitted to narrate it, lest this series get its rating changed to MA.

With Bunny Moon defeated, the Honey Badgers, rescued Ichigo and returned to Earth safe and sound. Ichigo remained completely unaware that he had been kidnapped in the first place, and Bunny Moon was arrested by the SQRF until such a time that the plot needed her to break out of prison.

"Well," Bunny Moon mumbled, lying in her cell, "this isn't so bad… right?"

"Oh, sure," Said her cell mate, a predatory-looking Asian girl with red hair, tattoos on her right arm, and a cocky grin, "just… make sure not to drop your soap. Or, well, drop it. I think I'd like that."

Bunny Moon swallowed. Well, it was a good thing she was bisexual…

* * *

**Beverly Hills, CA**

On a Saturday as Bambietta and Candice watched Ichigo play basketball in a street court, the latter said, "Aren't you going to do anything?"

Bambietta shook her head. "I want Ichigo to fall in love with me for me, not because I saved his life. Besides, he doesn't remember the incident so he wouldn't understand. Also, having his life saved might crush his pride. I wouldn't want that."

"Since when are you so normal about things?"

"Every girl is different when she's in love," Bambietta said putting her hand over her chest as her heart soared. As she came down from her high she looked at Candice who had a raised eyebrow at Bambietta's rather odd behavior. Bambietta went back to standing up straight. "So," she said, "wanna go raid an FBI office, or maybe steal a fighter jet and carpet bomb an ant colony? Or maybe some domestic terrorism class explosions? There's nothing like a bit of mayhem and petty vengeance to cheer me up."

"Or we could play the sega Saturn." Candice said.

"Eh, sure," Bambietta said, and shrugged, unwittingly saving the FBI millions of dollars' worth of investigation money.

"Great!" Candice said, and the two friends walked off together.

* * *

**(A/N: Let's see, we've ripped off Power Rangers, Godzilla, Ghost Rider, and last chapter we made phoned in cameos of Stephen Hawking, Panty, Beetle Jucie, Stocking, Scanty and Kneesocks, and the main cast of Kill la Kill. We've made Breaking Bad jokes and referenced Five Nights at Freddy's. So of course we had to do Phineas and Ferb gags. That was the logical choice XD. My apologies also for bringing up the Holocaust in a fic like this. I'm Jewish, but the time period fascinates me. And while what happened to Bambietta's grandma sounds fantastical and unrealistic, you'd be surprised all of the strange escapist stories regarding the Holocaust that are out there. This also is it for the current ideas that are properly plotted out. I only have about three more ideas involving a Giselle-centric chapter, a Meninas-centric chapter and a chapter where our heroes meet Abridged Alucard, but I haven't put any real thought into any of them. And then maybe if I can't think of anything else we might resume Aizen's villainy and/or introduce the totally necessary sixth ranger to the team. Unless you're **_**really **_**genre savvy you're never going to guess who it is. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to hit myself with a history book until I'm a less horrible person. Ja ne!)**


	6. Episode 6

**(A/N: This is going to be a fun chapter. Honestly that's all I care to say. Once again special thanks to my co-author Greatkingrat88 for his contributions to making this the most cracktastic fanfic possible). **

Disclaimer: We own nothing

* * *

**At a remote location**

**On a deserted Island**

"What do you mean, we have time off?" Candice asked Ikumi.

"Look, I'm not happy about it either, but I have to settle a lawsuit and I have a business trip. And yes, even though I don't pay you, you still get vacation days. Consider it a gift from me to you, because you do _such a good job_ protecting the world."

"I don't like that sarcasm," Bambietta said.

"If it wouldn't be too much trouble, could you start paying us?" Meninas asked. "My Boston terrier Schmooples needs an operation, and it's really expensive."

"Lawsuit with who?" Liltotto asked.

"Too bad. Have your parents send me the bill, Meninas. I am due to meet the ghost of Steve Jobs in court before my business trip. Who the hell knew you could be sued posthumously? And all because I just _happened_ to say what we all know."

"That he was a glory-hogging executive who took credit for things other people did, and died stupidly because he had treatable cancer and chose to use "naturalistic" medicine instead?" Bambietta said innocently.

"Well, that, and how his turtleneck was really lame. And that I donate his net worth to AIDS research."

"Do you _really_?" Said Meninas.

"No. But I could if I wanted to. Anyway, I may be a ruthless corporate executive, and I may have my own torture dungeon where I torment supple, nubile young men for sexual pleasure, and I may or may not have the foundations for a death star being laid, and I may think morality, freedom and fulfillment are nonexistent ideals invented to make us cope with the bleakness of reality… but even I wouldn't resist the poor, sweet face of a moe girl in need."

The Honey Badgers just stared at her.

Ikumi waved her hand flippantly. "Yes, I know, I'm a wonderful humanitarian. This shouldn't take more than a day to get that settled, but the business trip is longer. I have to visit Eritrea, Uganda, Yemen, Uruguay and Bolivia, and annex them to my glorious empire. Uhm..." Ikumi went quiet for a second, took a breath, then said, "I mean, I'm going to set up humanitarian funds there to prevent disease and hunger and provide basic human necessities like clean water, food, shelter, and WiFi. I'm like Bill Gates, only sexier and not so nerdy. It especially wouldn't leave those nations completely dependent on me for economic aid due to amoral contracts ceding executive power to me in return for that. It's just really good WiFi, and when you have that, who really needs freedom?"

"You know, you're not making the whole Sith Lord thing look any better," said Urahara.

"Girls, did you hear anything? It sounded like the cry of a man who is just begging to wear a spiked ball-gag while his rectum is being ridden like a stallion by a strong and independent woman wearing a large and very studded dildo." Ikumi said sharply.

"Er…what I mean is… lemme go fetch the portable donut machine for your carry-on bag." Urahara said, then ran out of the room as fast as he could.

"So, does this mean we can't use our powers?" Candice asked.

Ikumi sighed. "Unfortunately, if I shut down the transformation network module, yes. You five wouldn't be able to defend yourselves if a super villain attacked you and given the amount of time this piece of shit takes to go from off power to full power, you could die while you're waiting for your powers to restore. Can't have that. It'd be a PR nightmare."

"Yes, PR is clearly more important than their lives," Urahara said with cheerful sarcasm. Seeing the look Ikumi shot him, he added, "I mean uh, it's not like we think you're disposable or pointless or anything. We especially haven't been working on more easily controllable clones of you."

"What?" Bambietta said.

"Nothing." Ikumi growled, shooting Urahara a look that said '_You are so getting the torture dungeon you little bitch_'. It was a very eloquent look. "And even if I wanted to take precautionary measures like electroshock therapy to prevent you from abusing your powers in my absence," Ikumi directed her gaze at Giselle, whose eyes widened happily at the prospect of electrocution, and then immediately changed the topic. "Like I said, I need to catch my plane. I'll see you all when it's convenient for the plot." Ikumi then walked out the door.

"So… you gonna send us back?" Candice asked Yoruichi. "And for that matter if we could still get called in on a moment's notice, doesn't that defeat the purpose of time off?"

"Oh don't worry, we have that covered," Yoruichi said with a cocky grin. "Ikumi knows people."

"So? What? You're gonna have Mr. Sanshiro covering for us?" Candice asked with a glazed look.

"Pfft, nah, he's off traveling the cosmos to bring Sega Saturns to all the ungrateful boys and girls of the omniverse. No, we're going to deploy a… specialist. Somebody with incredibly powerful… debating techniques." Yoruichi said, grinning knowingly.

"Well, whatever. As long as it means I don't have to miss the big game tonight at the precinct."

"Wait, why at the precinct?" Bambietta asked.

"Better reception than my crappy TV. Besides, the cops love Baseball. It's our national pastime after all." Candice pretended to swing at an invisible ball with an invisible bat.

"I'm pretty sure shopping and eating have become our national pastimes these days," Giselle said, deliberately provoking Candice.

Which she fell for hook, line and sinker, "Don't you badmouth the greatest national sport on Earth!"

"Yes, so national and American that the finals are called the World Series despite only being in _one country,"_ Bambietta said snarkily.

"Fuck you!" Candice said, extending her middle finger. "It's an amazing sport! It's like, even _more_ interesting than watching paint dry! Or counting ants! Which is totally a sport too. And baseball kicks both of its asses!"

"Right, so, enjoy your time off," Yoruichi waved, and sent the Honey Badgers back to Beverly Hills via teleporter. When she was certain she was alone, she then began loading up an episode of American Wrestling. People might say that it was fake as hell, that it was more choreographed than a ballet routine, but it did feature mostly naked, muscular oiled men, and it was a primo source of inspiration for violent yaoi fan fiction featuring very questionable ideas of consent, and lots and lots of lube.

* * *

**Ryuko Matoi High School**

"Soooo, all in favor of cutting class?"

"Feel free. Honors student, remember?" Bambietta asked.

"Who carpet bombs ants and causes explosions in the chem lab?" Candice raised an eyebrow.

"…A very _enthusiastic _honors student."

"Well, whatever," Candice said. "We could go learn about the physical universe and the marvels of its exact workings in science class, or we could go loiter around in town. Which one do you want?"

"Loiter, it is!" Bambietta said cheerily, with the pride of a professional delinquent beaming in her eyes.

The town was, sadly, not overly full with people, on account of most citizens being decent people with jobs to attend. Still, this did not stop Candice from a bit of casual vandalism, knocking over trash cans and spray painting rude words on the walls.

"Fuckin' boring." She murmured. "I wish we could just become supervillains or something. Villains get to have all the fun."

"And end up in prison," Bambietta reminded her.

"And break out every five minutes!" Candice shot back. "We'd get our own evil lair and everything. Ikumi is rich and all, but she is just soooo niggardly!"

There was a gasp, and from around the corner came five figures wearing immaculately tailored Italian suits, fedoras, and a general air about them that just screamed 'Sicilian'.

"Can you believe her, Franky?" Said one of them, walking up to them. "That is like, soooo insensitive! Using a word that sounds just like the N word? For SHOCK value? Real edgy, there!"

"I hear ya, Louie," said Franky- a huge, burly man, with scarred knuckles and a face that looked like it had been through a meat grinder. They all wore flashy watches and gold chains, they noticed, and their thick Italian accents made everything clear.

"Don't you have protection money to shake from somebody?" Bambietta said. "We're like, not business owners."

"Oh, we do that too," said Louie, "but we heard you say a totally insensitive word that is offensive to People Of Color, and that's unacceptable!"

"You mean bla-" Giselle started, but Louie cut her off.

"_People of color_, you oppressive shitlord!" He snarled.

"Oh great, it's the tumblr squad," Bambietta murmured, rolling her eyes. "Fuck off, ya dirty spics. It's okay for me to say that, I'm Jewish."

The mobsters collectively gasped. "INTERNALIZED BIGOTRY!" One of them screeched. "Just wait till my blog followers hear about this!"

"Calm down, Johnny," Franky said, gesturing with his arm, and looked at the girls. "Look, we might do things like torture people what don't have our money, kill people who done seen too much, take a cut from business people's incomes or burn their stores down, but… contributing to structural oppression such as racism, sexism, classism, transphobia, homophobia and so forth is _totally not okay_. Ya got that?"

"Oh god…" Bambietta murmured, as realization hit her. "You are the Politically Correct Mafia, aren't you?"

"We run the south side of this town," Franky said humbly, "and we're proud ta announce that prejudice and hate crime levels are at an all time low, and employment diversity neve been bedda. Black and gay people can safely walk down our streets at night. Unless they owe us money."

"Yeah, 'cos if people ain't respectful of people regardless of their gender, ethnic background, skin color, sexual orientation, gender identity or other marginalized group belongings… we break dere fuggin' kneecaps!" Johnny exclaimed proudly, typing furiously at a blogging laptop.

"So now ya see," Franky said, cracking his knuckles, "dat we can't stand no fuggin' bad words bein' said in our neighborhood. It's oppressive to People Of Color, and just in bad taste."

"Yes, unlike breaking people's kneecaps with a lead pipe," Giselle beamed happily. "That's just business, right?"

"See?" Louie said. "She gets it."

"So," Franky said, "maybe you'll make a long and nice blog post about how sorry you all are, or maybe we break yer kneecaps."

"And not a not-pology either!" Johnny snapped. "None of that 'sorry you got offended' crap!"

Bambietta groaned. "Are you guys for real? I thought the mafia was supposed to be super racist and stuff."

"Oh, they was," Franky said, "but my mama raised me to be both a social justice crusader AND an excellent crime lord. So when I took over… I made some changes. Like Nucky here," he said, gesturing at one of his henchmen. "Nucky was born Alicia, but we don't do nuttin' stupid like misgenderin' him. He's all man, and we see strictly to his performance as a ruthless, good-for-nothin' bastard."

"Damn straight," Nucky said. In all fairness, Bambietta would never have guessed he had a vagina.

"Or Tommy here, who's native American," Franky said, gesturing at another henchman, "or Johnny, who's a gay man. And we still love him just the same, so long as he kills people when we need it."

"You guys are… indescribable." Bambietta murmured.

"We're just some concerned citizens." Franky said kindly, opening up his coat to reveal a gun. "Now, about an apologetic blog post-"

Suddenly, the scene was interrupted by a large, black Mercedes Benz, flying red and white flags in four places, violently sliding to a stop before them, six men in sharply dressed grey uniforms and caps sprung out, each one pulling out Lugers or MP40 machine guns.

"HALT!" Their leader cried. "You haff all been found guilty off vord crimes! In ze name of der Englische language, you are under arrest!"

"Ah, shit," Franky grumbled.

"What… the shit?" Bambietta murmured, looking baffled. On closer inspections, the flags were red, with a white circle and a pointy, black "G" in the middle. "Are they seriously…"

"Fuggin' grammar Nazis," Franky murmured, as he and his men pulled out their guns.

"VE ARE ZE NATIONALSOCIALISTISCHE DEFENDERS AUF ZE ENGLISCHER LANGUAGE!" Their commandant bellowed. "Ve haff seen past the foolish hatred of our first leader, und realize zat ze true threat to vestern civilization ist ze hollowing of ze Englische language!"

"You barely even speak it properly!" Bambietta snarled.

"SILENCE!"

"Look, we don't want no trouble-" Franky began, but the commandant cut him off.

"ZAT IST EIN DOUBLE NEGATIFF! ZAT MEANS YOU _DO_ VANT TROUBLE! IN ZE NAME AUF ZE ENGLISCHE TONGUE, STAND DOWN!"

Bambietta looked at them. She should be outraged, both by these insane social justice thugs and the Nazis, but this was just… _weird_, even by the standards of what she was used to. Slowly, she began backing away, and the others followed suit- except Meninas.

"Wait," Meninas said, coming in between the PC Mafia and the Grammar Nazis.

"Nein!" One of the soldiers shouted. "Zat should be 'stood in betveen' not 'coming'! Nein present prerogative!"

Well, excuse me. Wasn't aware the red shirts could see past the 4th wall.

"Zat is _I_ vasn't avare, you grammar hating pig! You shall be stood up against ze vall and given death by firing squad!"

Ooh, see, you can't do that. 'Cause, much like one of the authors, I'm Jewish, and since your Nazis, that's a hate crime.

"ZAT IST YOU'RE, NOT YOUR!" The kommandant bellowed. "Zat ist IT! You now take priority over zese culturally Marxist thugs!"

"Wait, stop!" Meninas shouted, "The author has a long track record of being proof-read properly by a Swedish grammar nazi! He is just trying to piss you off!"

"NEIN!" The kommandant screeched, red in the face with rage, "VE SHALL HAFF OUR REVENGE!"

"But happiness kittens fluffiness sunshine!" Meninas exclaimed.

"Yanno…" Franky said, "I never thoughdabout it like dat before."

"Zat IST ein compelling argument, ja," said the kommandant.

"…what the _shit_?" Said Bambietta. "What- what the fuck?"

"All you need in your life is the power of friendship!" Meninas explained. "You can HELP each other! Together, you can violently oppress everyone who is oppressive towards minorities twice as effectively, and you can learn to better your grammar at the same time! Franky, you don't need to speak bad grammar to keep up the tough guy act. And Herr Kommandant, you don't need to kill people for making grammar mistakes- just threaten them with your gun instead!" She smiled brightly, and the Mafioso and Nazis both looked at her with awe.

"Seriously, what the fuck is going on here?" Bambietta asked.

"Er, I think she stole something from the secret research labs," Giselle said. "I think that Urahara guy was working on something called a Fairy Tail Generator? Supposedly, it turns evil people into goodly, misunderstood and easily forgivable people at the drop of a hat."

"…and that's how you know that true happiness can be achieved without violence, so long as you're prepared to break people's arms if they disagree," Meninas continued to explain.

"Oh my nonspecific deity of choice- we do not discriminate against anybody based on religion or lack thereof-" Franky said, "she has the wisdom of a true Tumblr prophet."

"I haff not felt this at ease since I vas a little boy, reading from the Dictionary," said the Kommandant. "Truly, ve haff been blessed."

"Well, fuck it," Bambietta said, shrugging. "Losers, I'm out. You coming, or what?"

"I think I'll stay and play thought police with these guys for a bit," Meninas said cheerily. "But you go on."

Deciding that now was the time to not get any deeper involved with this weird shit, Bambietta and crew steadily backed away.

Determined to violate the law, and not in a sexy way, Candice marched through the streets of Beverly Hills looking for some action. And to do that, she had to be the center of attraction. You might say she had to be the one that everyone must , as she continued to walk, stretching her legs provocatively at a bus stop while blowing bubble gum, she noticed Liltotto following her around.

"You're going to break the law with me?"

Liltotto shrugged. "Why not? After so much time of breaking school rules, I'd be lying if I said that the normal life wasn't boring."

Candice slapped her heartily on the back. "Atta girl. I'll make a lawbreaker out of you yet."

"Fair warning- if we get arrested, I'm throwing you under the bus," Liltotto said flatly.

Candice patted her friend on the back. "That's all right, that's all right," she said cheerfully. She was just so happy to have a partner in crime. "I've seen the inside of a juvenile detention center so much, it may as well be my second home. Come to think of it, I wonder how my old cell mate is doing. I mean, she's an adult now, so I imagine she might be in actual jail if she's committed any crimes."

* * *

Bunny Moon was pushed roughly against the shower wall, her hands pinned in place by the hand of the grinning, sadistic Asian red-head. Her other hand had just finished groping Bunny's mammaries, and was now moving downwards, toward a place which was conveniently obscured by soap lather.

"Say it." The red-head said.

"I'm- I'm-" Bunny quivered.

"Say. It. Or I'll give you a spanking before you go to bed."

"I'm- I'm your bitch!"

"Damn right." The red-head said. "Y'know, it's a good thing you just so happened to be a natural born submissive slut, or this whole scene would have some totally different implications."

"I- I know, right?" Bunny mumbled. "Uh, I mean, not that I enjoy the way you forcefully take me… but I just don't have a choice!"

"Oh yeah?" The red-head said, grinning as her hand began exploring places best left to imagination- you know you're already imagining it, you dirty perverts. "Is that why you constantly just 'happen' to lose your shirt when you're in the cell? Or why you bend over for no reason?"

"I've just had bad luck with my shirts!" Bunny shrieked, her face going red with pleasure, "and, and- ah!- I just ah, the floor is really interesting, okay?!"

"Suuuuure it is," the redhead said, moving in to kiss Bunny's neck, alternating between biting it, "it's not like you're a masochistic uke or something, right?"

"Right!" Bunny Moon insisted. "Um also… aaah… you wanna ah, meet up when you… did your time…?"

"I think you just earned your spanking anyway, my little bitch," said the red-head, as she continued to perform unspeakably hot acts to her partner.

"Oh, NO!" Bunny Moon cried, although she was about as convincing as Kristen Stewart in Twilight.

Meanwhile, the warden was sitting in his office with a bucket of popcorn. Installing cameras in the shower _really_ paid off.

* * *

"Eh," Candice shrugged, "I'm sure she's doing well."

Suddenly, as Candice and Liltotto walked through the streets minding their own business, the city erupted in flame, as a series of huge explosions rocked the ground. A large building collapsed under the force of several enormous, fiery blasts, and nearby buildings- which seemed conveniently empty, judging from the lack of screams of horror and pain- began to explode as well. The ear-numbing explosions just kept going and going, glass and rock shattering everywhere.

"Crap!" Candice cried, rushing to cover behind a stone bench, followed closely by Liltotto.

"What is going on?!" she shouted. "It's like- it's like some sort of insane mayhem!"

"Mayhem…" Liltotto said. She looked up from behind the bench, and her mouth turned into a neat 'O'. "Mother of god… she mumbled. "It's the Bayhem Extreme Explosion Front!"

Down the street marched well over a dozen people, each one wearing hardcore clothes- vests, army jackets, doc marten shoes, and all of them wore at least two bandoliers- and had dozens and dozens of pouches all over their clothes, around their belt, their legs, their arms. At the front stood Hollywood's most well-paid Jew, Michael Bay himself, sporting a hardcore lack of shaving and a belt full of grenades, and what looked like a vest full of C4.

"FUCK YEAH!" He roared, wildly firing his AK-47 (because As You Know, only bad guys use the Avtomat Kalashnikov) into the air, at nothing in particular. His comrades joined in, all of them firing wildly into the air, while more explosions kept detonating.

"Michael Bay is a TERRORIST?!" Candice said. "Uh, wait, actually… now that I think about it, I'm not actually that surprised."

"It's the BEEF, Michael Bay's own paramilitary wing." Liltotto explained. "Don't you remember when we learned about it in political history class?" Candice shook her head. Liltotto sighed.

"But, why would he be... it doesn't make sense, though," Candice said.

"This fanfic isn't political, so we can't use real life terrorists like ISIS or the IRA," Liltotto explained, "he's a terrorist who just blows things up for no real reason!"

"AAAAAWESOME!" Michael Bay roared, his band of random terrorists marching closer to their position. "I AM SO FUCKING HARD RIGHT NOW!" Pressing a detonator, he caused another explosion, just a few meters away from where our (sort of) heroes were.

"Crap!" Candice said, fiddling with her transformation watch. "Transform, damn you! Useless piece of junk!"

It seemed like the trigger-happy BEEFers were about to evaporate our heroes… when suddenly, like a streak of lightning out of nowhere, a figure dressed in a white lab coat shot onto the scene, performing several unnecessary but really cool action rolls, firing two guns at once. Half a dozen terrorists fell over immediately, screaming in pain. The figure performed one last backflip, for no reason whatsoever, while the terrorists fired their AK-47s with all the accuracy of a drunken hillbilly, and rolled behind cover with Candice and Liltotto. Dramatically, he ejected the magazines from his double magnum pistols, and reloaded at the speed of light.

"Who-" Liltotto began, but was immediately interrupted.

"Bill." The stranger growled. "Stephen Hawking sent me. I'm with the Science Hero Initiative Tacticals."

"DUUUUUUUUDE!" said an obnoxious figure, standing in the street with his cap turned around, and Nirvana's "Teen spirit" playing in the background as he spoke, "AAAWESOME! This is like, SOOOO EXTREME!"

"Shut up," Bill Nye growled, expertly planting a bullet in the face of the nineties abomination.

His voice was absurd- it sounded like Christopher Nolan's batman had smoked twelve packs of cigarettes, then attempted a Clint Eastwood impersonation.

"Wait, Bill?" Candice said. "Bill of science? Bill-"

"Bill Nye, science guy," the stranger growled. They looked closer. It really did look like him- the white lab coat, the bow tie… but he was wearing thick sunglasses, had a thick cigar in his mouth, neat leather gloves, and a stubble that looked like it could wear down granite.

"Wow Bill, you really let yourself go," Liltotto said, stating the obvious.

"Not the case," Bill growled, blindly firing a few rounds at the terrorists, who had been conspicuously silent so far, "I am just utilizing the physics of action. I've found that whenever I do pointless but cool-looking stunts, talk roughly and fire my guns wildly while making puns, I become deadlier than a navy seal crossed with a goddamn ninja samurai."

"That… also makes an odd amount of sense," Candice murmured. "So what… you just say stuff like-"

"COWABUNGA MOTHERFUCKER!" Bill snarled, quickly looking up from cover, gunning down five terrorists in two seconds. "YIPPIE-KI-YAY, FREAKS!" A burst of suddenly accurate AK fire hit his cover, and he backed down again. "Oh man, I'm getting too old for this shit…" he grunted.

"…you seem to be doing just fine." Liltotto commented.

"Well _yeah_, I am, but I have to say that shit," Bill explained, "otherwise it's not nearly as effective. Got that?"

"This… makes no sense." Candice said. "I mean, we may have transformation powers and all, but this is just _weird_. Isn't it?"

Liltotto nodded.

"Here, watch," Bill growled, standing up in plain view.

"EAT SHIT, MOTHERFUCKERS! DO YOU FEEL LUCKY?!, DO YA, PUNKS? YOU'RE A DISEASE AND I'M THE MOTHERFUCKING VACCINE, ASSHOLES! I'VE HAD IT WITH THIS MOTHERFUCKING BAYHEM ON A MOTHERFUCKING FANFIC! I AM THE LAW, SO **HASTA LA VISTA, SHITFUCKS!"**

As he screamed one one-liner after another, he fired bullet after bullet. The terrorists all opened fire in return, but despite Bill being in plain sight, not a single one out of hundreds and hundreds of rounds hit, while Bill's guns struck home, hitting one terrorist after another. Finally getting back into cover, he dramatically reloaded again.

"See?" He growled.

"Um." Candice said. "Did you just… did you just fire your two magnums, which have eight bullets each… sixty-seven times?"

"Action science," Bill growled.

"Holy crap." Liltotto stated. "So all I have to do is spit some one-liners?"

"NO!" Bill growled. "You need to do it RIGHT. If some anime-looking girl tries it, she'll end up being that one pointless extra who gets mercilessly killed so people know how evil the terrorists are! You need the right ingredients, applied in the right way! And I'm running out of one-liners!"

Again, he blind fired at the terrorists, this time hitting nothing.

"Wait, you missed all of them?" Candice said, peeking up. The AKs fired again, seeming to have bottomless magazines, but not a single one did more than kick up some dirt near their position.

"Law of inverse accuracy compared to quantity," Bill growled. "The fewer there are, the less likely I am to hit. Which is why," he said, taking a swig of whiskey and drawing a puff on his cigar, "I AM SO GETTING TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIT! GODDAMN, JUST ONE DAY TILL RETIREMENT!"

Quickly, he fired again, nailing one terrorist in the face. Candice looked up. Now, all that was left was Michael Bay himself, and three other terrorists. Getting an idea, she grabbed a rock, tossed it, and screamed,

"SEE YOU IN HELL, BITCHES! YOU KILLED MY FATHER, SO HASTA LA VISTA!"

"Candice wait, you can't just-" Liltotto began, but then… the rock exploded, and three terrorists went flying, letting out loud Wilhelm screams as they went.

"See?" Bill growled, "she gets it."

"But it was a _rock_," Liltotto said.

"Action physics," Bill growled dismissively, "so long as it looks cool, the actual properties of an object does not matter- it will still explode dramatically."

"Ah, Bill Nye!" Michael Bay said, walking forward while holding a heavy machine gun, produced from god-knows-where, "I thought you might try and hamper my plans! That's why… I RIGGED THIS WHOLE PLACE TO EXPLODE!"

"Ladies," Bill Nye growled, "I have to go make this speech now. Don't worry, there's a 100% chance I'll be almost fatally injured."

"Those are good odds?" Liltotto said.

"The best," Bill Nye growled with a smile, and walked out of cover.

"You tried your best, Mister Nye," Michael Bay cackled, "but you can't win! This time, I win- there is nothing left you can do! You are out of ammo, and out of options!"

"Since when is he out of ammo?" Liltotto whispered. "He had like… infinite bullets a second ago!"

"Action physics!" Candice hissed.

"This is between you and me, Bay," Bill Nye growled, "let these girls go."

"Au contraire," Bay cackled quite European-ishly, "they will be the final audience of my triumph! And then I will explode them!"

"You are a genius, Michael," Bill growled, "you could have used your talent for good! Instead you chose to use it for… EVIL!"

"Good is for saps!" Michael Bay snarled, "I know that because I graduated from the Nietzschean school of evil! No, good is ultimately pointless, an illusion forced on us by society!"

With that, Michael bay shot Bill in the chest once, and launched himself into a long, ranting and very shallow monologue about the nature of good and evil, lasting nearly five minutes.

"Urgh," Candice said, "who writes this crap?"

"Hollywood," Bill said, grunting in a manly fashion and barely keeping himself upright, "But don't worry, once he starts doing his evil laugh, it's almost over."

"…and that's why you can never win, Bill Nye! Not when I killed your mom, your fiancée, your brother, your favourite action figure and your little dog too, and not now! YOU SUCK! BWAHAHAHA!"

"Oh yeah?" Bill Nye grunted, and reached into his pocket. "Well… SUCK ON THIS!" In a blur, he pulled out a knife, and threw it at Michael Bay. Flawlessly, it lodged itself between his eyes, and the mad bomber slash film director fell over.

"You killed him!" Candice cheered.

"Nah." Bill said, holstering his gun, "they'll put a bit of lightning in him and he'll probably escape prison in like a year or so, if he doesn't escape before he's even got to the police station. He does that a lot."

"Wow, prisons are pretty terrible, aren't they?" Liltotto said.

"Like they're made of wet tissue paper." Bill nodded.

"…and that's how you set an explosion, Jamie!" Came a voice from the other street, enthusiastically making its way there.

"You said it, Adam," came a droning voice.

"Wait…" Bambietta murmured. "Is that…"

"Adam, Jamie, nice timing," Bill Nye said, nodding and putting his guns away,

"Now we'll test if any of this is possible with normal physics," Adam Savage said, walking up followed by a camera crew.

"We'll need lots and lots of explosions. Good," said Jamie Hyneman.

"It's the Mythbusters!" Liltotto exclaimed.

"That's right! And today we'll test the myth: Die Hard, documentary or fiction?" proclaimed Adam.

"Ohmygosh, can I help?" Candice said, smiling widely. "I'm such a huge fan!"

"Well, normally we don't let fans do it…" said Jamie.

"But if Bill vouches for you…" said Adam.

"They're cool." Bill growled, already digging through a pack of cigarettes to keep his voice gravelly. "I got to run, though. South American drug lord building a laser to destroy the moon, and somebody's got to deal with that."

In a whoosh, he went down the street, still making unnecessary back flips as he ran, seemingly unaffected by the bullet wound in his chest.

"So, young lady, you ready to be on our show?" said Adam.

"Fuck yeah!" Candice exclaimed. _I'm gonna be on TV._

She was less appreciative when she learned that the appropriate garb for investigating the science of action was a very small tank top and bikini bottoms… but for fifteen minutes of fame on the myth busters, she'd sell her grandmother.

* * *

**Ryuko Matoi High School**

"So, explain to me how it happened that we're the only ones here?" Bambietta asked Giselle, wondering why the two of them were the only two of their group sitting at their usual lunch table.

"Well obviously cause Meninas wanted to bring about politically correct and grammar sound peace and Candice is out being—"

"A law-breaking, estrogen-oozing, tomboyish, foul-mouthed bitch-whore?"

"Yeah, pretty much."

"Okay, so where's Liltotto?"

"I think she followed Candice," Giselle said.

"That's…weird and strangely out of character."

"Nah, Liltotto's one of us. She just tries hard to hide it. I mean, it's not like she was doing anything to fix the problems we caused when we took over the school. She just added to them."

"You have a point," Bambietta remarked.

Giselle then gasped. "Bambi-chan, assume normal mode! He's coming!"

"Eh?"

"Kurosaki-senpai, eleven o' clock!"

Bambietta noticed Ichigo walking towards her table. She gasped in horror. "Is my hair, okay? Is my breath fresh? Gack! I already ate!"

Giselle put a hand on Bambietta's shivering shoulder. "Bambi-chan, you look fine. Just be yourself."

"Thanks, Gigi."

Ichigo waltzed over to where Bambietta and Giselle were sitting together, frowning as always. He then noticed the three empty seats at their table. "Huh, that's odd. Aren't there normally five of you?"

"Oh they're cutting class, girl stuff and all that," Giselle said. "Why don't you take a seat next to Bambi-chan, Kurosaki-senpai. I'm gonna go use the bathroom."

"Wait! Gigi!" Bambietta cried, but Giselle got up and skipped towards the front door. She wished Bambietta the best in her pursuit of love, and being a dedicated shipper, she wanted to see it come to fruition. If Ichigo did anything to hurt her Bambi-chan, well… let's just say the pile of bodies she had buried under the gym storage room would increase in number.

"So uh… nice… day out?" Ichigo said. He was not in any way a smooth talker, that much was for sure.

"Uhmyeahsure," Bambietta blurted out.

"Are you all right?" Ichigo asked.

"I'm fine. Are you fine? Maybe you should see a doctor. I look fine, but you… ooooh boy, you could uhm, you could use some attention! Uhm. From a medical professional. Not me. I mean, I'd like to pay attention to you. Not that I mean that I want to touch your private parts if that's what you thought I meant. Unless you want me to."

Fully aware that she was digging her own grave, and deeply at that, and that her face was getting redder than moe girl's cheeks, Bambietta found herself unable to stop.

"I mean of course you don't want me to. I'm ugly and I probably have cooties. Big, nasty cooties which are probably crabs. I'm probably the worst thing since uh, something really bad."

_Oh dear god, just have mercy and kill me right now before I make an even bigger fool of myself_, Bambietta thought in agony. Quite mercifully, everything went dark as she slumped over, fainting from sheer embarrassment.

"_You have the body of a goddess," Ichigo-senpai said, with a wild, dangerous look in his eyes, like he needed to have her, right there and then, "and I… am in a mood to blaspheme."_

"_Oh senpai, no!" Bambietta cried, as he undid her pants, slid them off, and roughly parted her legs, revealing her glistening, wet sex for all in the cafeteria to see._

"_Oh senpai, yes," Ichigo said, sliding off his pants to reveal his large-but-not-too-large penis, glowing with raw sexual power,_

"_Don't worry… I won't hurt you… much."_

_Bambietta squealed, as her senpai spread her legs, holding his erect member in position near her wet, aching sex-_

"Are you all right, Miss Basterbine?"

"Hi-iii!" Giselle cheered. They were in the nurse's office, she could see now as she began to open her eyes.

"Noooo…" Bambietta groaned, waking up from her dream to the voice of the school nurse, "no, I am very not all right."

"Um… did you wet yourself?" The nurse said, looking at her soaked panties. "It's nothing to be ashamed of- some people have that problem all of their life and-"

"NO." Bambietta growled. "Just… just a case of senpaiitis, all right?!"

"Oh, senpaiitis," the nurse said, nodding knowingly. "I understand perfectly. Very common illness in these parts."

"Kurosaki-senpai carried you all the way here himself." Giselle said happily. "It was very sweet of him!"

"Um… did he do anything to me while I was asleep?" Bambietta said hopefully. "Cop a feel, slide a hand inside my panties…"

"Nope!" Giselle said. "He was a perfect gentleman."

"Dammit!" Bambietta grumbled. Why did he have to be such a nice boy? She groaned. Fucking reality!

Seeing the way Bambietta was gushing with emotion—and not just in her heart either if the stain in her underwear was any indication—Giselle herself was dripping with the idea of trying her hand at this 'love' thing. Unfortunately, since elementary school, every boy she had hit on had called her creepy and wanted nothing to do with her. The community then soon found their shrunken, dehydrated heads nailed to a lamppost by the next morning. Leaving Bambietta in the nurse's office, Giselle wandered the halls of Ryuko Matoi High School, determined to find someone that made her heart sing the way Ichigo and Grimmjow did for Bambi-chan and Candy-chan.

As she walked outside by the soccer fields she noticed a boy with long black hair and bags under his eyes, wearing a spiked surgical mask. He appeared to be torturing three squirrels to death by boiling them slowly in syrup, listening to their squeals of pain as the life slowly drained out of the adorable little furry creatures.

Giselle considered herself too much of a modern girl to fall for the whole "love at first sight" routine, but seeing squirrels crying for their lives and not by her hand, made her hot and wet in ways she had never imagined were real. It was official- this boy had to be hers.

"Hi, Gigi!"

Giselle turned her head from her perverted fantasies to see Meninas waving to her.

"Meninas!" Giselle exclaimed, gripping her friends' arms, "You know a lot of the boys in this school by name," she turned Meninas' head forcibly towards her target of affection, "tell me, who is that dream boat?"

"Huh?" Meninas turned her head to see As Nodt as he had upgraded from squirrels and was now torturing a raccoon, preparing to flay it alive. "Oh, you mean As Nodt? What's so dreamy about him, exactly?"

"As Nodt… so that's his name, huh?" Giselle asked.

"Oh, Giselle, are you in love?" Meninas asked, cheerfully, ignoring the terrified squeals of the raccoon as As Nodt sharpened his knife.

"Yeah," Giselle cooed, her tongue hanging out. She was salivating like a starving man in front of a donut. "I'm so turned on I could come any second right now."

"Awww, that's so sweet." Meninas said, whose rose colored glasses were of the extremely thick variety.

Giselle approached As Nodt as he finished torturing his prey, having completely skinned the furry beast. He turned his attention towards Giselle. "Hmm. Who are you, freshman?"

"I'm Giselle Gewelle. You're As Nodt, right?"

"Yes."

Giselle handed As Nodt a Pepsi she pulled from god knows where. "Torturing animals to death works up a thirst. How about a drink?"

"That's…uh…" As Nodt wasn't used to people taking his hobby approvingly, "What did you say your name was again?" As Nodt asked as he lowered his surgical mask just enough to get the Soda can over his lips so he could drink it.

"Me? I'm Giselle Gewelle." As Nodt then noticed his vision and motor skills getting hazy as Giselle's smile was the biggest thing in his range of waning vision. "But you can call me Mistress Chloroform."

When As Nodt woke up he was tied to a chair with his hands behind his back, and his ankles to the chair legs. He was inside what appeared to be some form of absurdly spacious utility closet in an old hotel judging from the frayed towel on his lap… which appeared to be the only article of clothing on his body as the rest of his clothes had been removed, including his face mask, revealing his burned, scarred lips.

"Wakey-wakey, shnookums," Giselle said with exuberant cheer.

"Where… am I?"

"We're about fifty-five miles away from the closest civilization. You've been out for almost two days in a row, but I've been taking good care of you. Which reminds me- according to my watch, it's just about noon." Giselle began stripping down to her underwear, letting her coat hang off her in a very sexy manner. She then looped one leg over As Nodt's leg and then sat on his bare leg, rubbing a hand up his chest. "We have to do our second mating ritual of the day."

"Wh-what?"

"Don't worry, the second ritual of the day doesn't involve my little tools. That's the third ritual of the day."

As Nodt suddenly puked all over the towel on his lap.

"Aww, pookey, are you not feeling well?" Giselle rubbed As Nodt's cheek.

"Er, no, I'm all right," As said, looking pale, "I was just… _pookey_?"

"It's your nickname, shnookums! Like lovebirds talk to each other!" Giselle said happily. Removing the towel and tossing it aside, she took a look at his genitals. "Well, that's just no good!" She said, and pulled out a needle from out of nowhere, and injected something into As' veins.

"What…?" He said, sounding desperate.

"Just some liquid Viagra," Giselle explained. "Now get ready, because we are going to have some wild fun!"

Looking horrified, As cried, "WAIT!"

"What's wrong, pookey?" Giselle said, her tone a bit threatening. "You don't want to do the you-know-what with me?" Bizarrely enough, Giselle might be a yandere and a psychopath, but her sense of modesty was more than intact.

"Um, no, I do," As said desperately, "it's just that uh… I had something special in mind!"

"Oh?" Giselle said cheerfully. "What, shnookums?"

"Here, I'll whisper," As Nodt said. Giselle bent in close, and listened to him talk. Her face blushed bright, and she said,

"Oh pookey, I never knew you were so… dirty!" She giggled. "You really want me to do… _that_ to you?"

"Yes!" As Nodt rasped. "It gets me sooooo hot! So uh, better run off and get those… things you need for it!"

"Sure, shnookums!" Giselle cheered happily. "I'll just be a minute!"

"Bring lots and lots of lube!" As Nodt called after her, as she walked out.

Desperately, As Nodt began working on the knots that tied him. Little did Giselle know that he could use his penis as a third hand, and soon he had untied his arms, and got one leg out. However… the last one was strapped down tight. Desperately, he glanced around. She would be back soon…

"…and here I come, shnookums!" Giselle said cheerily, as she marched back into the room, carrying a large stack of sex toys, including but not limited to: leather whips, enormous butt plugs, dildoes, nipple clamps, and things for which the average reader will have no name. However, her cheer was soon turned into shock- all that was left of As Nodt was the gory remains of a foot, with vicious bite marks at the ankle. She looked out the window and saw As Nodt, far away in the distance, somehow running at the speed of an Olympic champion- despite heavy blood loss and the loss of one leg. Fear truly is a powerful motivator, and Giselle was more or less the motivational poster girl in that area.

As Giselle stood in despair of having lost the only love she ever had she grabbed her Ipod and began playing the lonely man theme, to reflect the grave sorrow in her heart. Her grief was short-lived, though. Before even thirty seconds had passed, Giselle shut the music off and wiped her eyes.

"Aww, what am I doing, crying over something like this? I know what'll cheer me up."

* * *

**One Hour Later**

The news report stations that week had nearly creamed its pants when they found out that BEEF had made yet another terrorist attack (although not nearly as terrible as the average Michael Bay film); it would give them endless fodder for new reports, analysis desks, pundits picking it apart… it was a news anchor's wet dream, really.

But that week would not be remembered for the BEEF attack. It would be remembered as The Terror, when a black-haired, sweet little demon wreaked complete havoc. Down the street the little demon went, screams of agony and grief making it a scene of hell equal to the worst of war zones. Water posts were knocked over, cars were flung every which way, and the streets ran red with the blood of the innocent. And the guilty, although their blood was more of a pink shade, as guilt has a tendency to thin your blood, a little known scientific fact.

"Ahhhh," Giselle sighed with relief, "Nothing like a bit of total rampant slaughter to make a girl feel good about herself."

"Oh there you are, Gigi," Bambietta called out to her, totally ignoring the rampant chaos going on behind the fifth member of the Honey Badgers. At this point, such a sight was so wrote for Giselle it was plain uninteresting.

"Oh, hi girls," Giselle said with a smile on her face. "Sorry I was gone for a few days. Things didn't quite work out as planned with As Nodt. I guess I'm not ready to try my hand at love just yet."

"Awww, I'm sorry it didn't work out, Gigi," Meninas said.

"Eh, it's no big deal. I'm sure I'll find someone that likes me for me." Suddenly, just as she said that, the whole ground started to shake. "Huh. I don't remember causing an earthquake," Giselle remarked.

At that moment the ground cracked open as a fissure of ice exploded from the ground. Emerging from it was a tall, horned figure with broad, bat-like wings and hooves, coloured bright red, and the very fires of hell burning in his eyes,and a woman who looked to be old enough to be the mother of any of the honey badgers- that is, she looked not a day older than twenty, because people in anime have children when they're twelve years had long blue hair, wearing a peaked cap, a short skirt, long white boots, and a cleavage exposing jacket, standing on top of the monstrous figure, looking for all the world like a nazi stripper.

"Told you I could make hell freeze over," the blue haired woman told the devil. She then leaned forward, as she held a riding crop by his face, "So are we going to be causing my little girl any more trouble?"

"N-no, Esdeath-sama!" The Great Beast, Devourer of Souls and Corrupter of the Pure, Mephistopheles, Baal, Satan, the fallen angel and ruler of all the hells, said, his voice a quivering, squealing mess.

"What was that?" Esdeath glared coldly.

"I mean no, your imperial and radiant highness of true excellence, class and marvel, desire of all men and 5% of all women, rightful ruler of all mankind!"

"That's better."

"Who's this broad?" Candice wondered, pointing at her with an underhand gesture.

This was quickly answered by Giselle's face lighting up like a fluorescent light bulb. "Mommy!" She cried, and ran up to Esdeath. Esdeath saw Giselle coming, and smiled back as she leaned forward with open arms, and then scooped up Giselle into her arms.

"Huh? HUUUUUUUH?" Candice was incredibly confused.

"B-b-but…YOU'RE DEAD!" Bambietta shouted, pointing at Esdeath in shock.

"Death is my bitch," Esdeath said holding Giselle in one arm and glaring at the other Honey Badgers with the other, "She doesn't come anywhere near me for fear of getting curb stomped."

"B-but what about all that about killing your mom because she was an imposter."

"That's 'cause she was an imposter. I know my mommy," Giselle said, piggybacking onto Esdeath's back.

Esdeath chuckled grimly. "A lady has a little bit of cloning done, and suddenly it's the end of the world. I would've come home sooner, but tricking the devil out of a deal he made with my daughter is tricky business. Although," Esdeath tapped a finger to her chin as she looked to be in thought, "Maybe it might've been easier if I hadn't killed Attila the Hun, Vlad the Impaler, Ivan the terrible, Stalin, Pol Pot, Henry VIII, Gustavus Vasa, Bloody Mary, all of the Hittites, Caligula and Richard the Lionhearted. Real bastard, that last one- he was a puppy-raping child murderer with a good propaganda machine. The dry cleaning bill was so expensive."

_Oh my gosh, this explains so much, _Bambietta thought, the top half of her body going slack.

At this point, a generic-looking guy with brown hair began pulling himself up out of the now frozen pits of hell, panting. "Esdeath, we need to talk about your escape plans in more detail from now on."

Giselle climbed off Esdeath and immediately went over to hug the man. "Daddy!" She then pecked him on the cheek.

_This isn't real! I'm dreaming! I have to be! _Candice exclaimed internally.

"O-oh, Giselle," her father, Tatsumi, said, feeling just as terrified of his own daughter as he did of his wife, "How's school, sweetie?"

"Oh it's been fun. I made lots of friends while you and mommy were gone. I also killed your defective clones and did horrible things to them."

"Awww, who's my super special baby girl?" Esdeath asked with a babyish tone, as she scooped up Giselle and began affectionately patting her head. "Mommy is so proud of you."

"Heaven help me, I'm going to puke," Bambietta said. She was unceremoniously handed a bucket by an equally disturbed Candice.

"And is this my welcome home party?" Esdeath asked looking at what Giselle had wrought in the last hour.

"Nah, I got dumped, so I took it out on the world."

"And they're all still screaming. How delicious- I know someone who's getting extra dessert tonight. Tatsumi, do me a favor and shovel in that hole in the ground. I'm going home to start dinner. I promise it'll be your favorite."

Liltotto could see the invisible leash Esdeath was holding clamped around Tatsumi's neck.

"Y-yeah, sure dear."

Baal, out of fear of Esdeath, crawled back into hell as Tatsumi grabbed a shovel out of nowhere and began filling in the pit of hell.

"That's going to take him forever. Anyone know the number to the SQRF?" Liltotto asked.

"Well no, but I'm sure we can ask Yoruichi-san," Giselle said. Everyone was surprised to suddenly see her over by them.

"Huh? Aren't you going home with your parents?" Candice asked.

"Mommy's starting dinner. I don't have to help. Didn't you hear? I'm getting extra dessert."

"So, one question," Bambietta said, raising her hand.

"Yes, young lady?" Esdeath said, smiling all too innocently.

"You're Esdeath, Gigi's mom."

"Correct."

"…who the hell names their kid 'Esdeath'?" Bambietta asked in disbelief.

"Oh, that's simple," Esdeath said, "my mom was a Satanist who was really into Death Metal, while my dad was more normal. He wanted to name me Esther, she wanted to name me Deathbringer, and they compromised."

"…define normal," Bambietta said suspiciously.

"Oh, he was a hunter," Esdeath said in a carefree tone.

"That… is _sorta_ normal, I guess," Bambietta said.

"He mostly hunted laser raptors. And cyborg anacondas." Esdeath said cheerily.

"…yeah okay, I'm not even surprised. That actually makes perfect sense." Bambietta said. "So… Deathbringer?"

"Actually mom wanted to name me Deathbringer the Malevolent, Carrier of Sorrows and Herald of the End Times," Esdeath said, "but dad managed to convince her it wasn't that practical. And by the time he died, 'Esdeath' just kind of stuck. Will that be all?"

"Y-yeah," Bambietta said and then watched Esdeath walk down the street, smiling cheerfully at the chaos.

"Right. So, Gigi, about your mom…" Bambietta said.

"Isn't she the coolest?" Giselle said cheerfully. "Mommy taught me everything I know, even how to pick up men and how to treat the weak!"

Everyone was quiet until Candice asked, "I'm going to regret asking this, but, Giselle, what does your mom do for a living?"

"She's a notorious assassin for hire. I can't remember the guild though, Night Shade, Light Spade…well, it's not like it matters. I heard she used to work for this corrupt empire, but daddy convinced her to work against it. I mean, pfft, why wouldn't he pick my mom? She's awesome, way better than the little bitchy Tsundere he was previously dating."

"Wait, your parents are actually in love? No offense, but your dad looks terrified of your mom, and you," Liltotto said.

"You wouldn't think that if you heard the stuff I heard a lot as a kid. They have wicked sex. Sometimes Mommy doesn't even use the chains."

_Nope! Nope! Not asking! _Bambietta shouted in her own head as she covered her ears.

"Chains?"

_Oh god Meninas, why? _Bambietta thought she might cry.

"Well yeah, Mommy's a dominatrix after all. But daddy's the only man she sees as an equal. It's cause he's got a really great smile."

"Say, you know shouldn't Mister Nye be doing something about this hole in the ground?" Liltotto asked, eager to change the subject. "I'm sure he can fix it with science."

There was a slight pause, and then suddenly, Bill Nye stood right among them, smoking his cigar.

"Somebody call my name?" He growled out. "Because if there is a problem for science… we S.H.I.T. agents are the people for the job."

"There's a hole in the ground that leads directly to hell!" Bambietta exclaimed.

"Oh, that." Bill Nye said, shrugging. "I know the man for the job." He gave a whistle, and suddenly out of the sky, a man wearing an immaculate suit and vest, sporting a fine mustache, landed on the ground like a classy Superman.

"Astrophysics Black Guy, Hayden Planetary Fly," he said, his deep voice being the scientific epitome of sexy.

"Meet Neil Degrasse Tyson, senior S.H.I.T. agent," Bill said. "Neil, would you?"

"You know it," Neil said, and glared at the hole. Somehow, it managed to look guilty- and somehow, it began closing itself. Before long, nobody would have suspected there had been a hole there at all.

"Magic!" Bambietta declared. "You guys can totally do magic!"

"_Science._" Neil said firmly. "We strictly do science. You know not the awesome power of physics, but I assure you, this is child's play for a level 25 astrophysicist like myself."

"Well, I think our work here is done," Bill said. "Neil, want to go get something to eat? At a diner, maybe?"

"Only if we can analyze the content of our foods so we know how bad it is for us and how it will clog our arteries!" Neil said.

Bill grinned. "I wouldn't have it any other way."

"So," Giselle said, once the mess was cleaned up, "Who wants to come to my house for dinner?"

"Um, you know," Bambietta said, "I uh, was just going to go back to my place to write pathetic self-insert fan fiction about Ichigo-senpai. Sad, right? But er, that's my life."

"Yeah and… I was going to join her. Creative input." Liltotto said.

"I've got… laundry?" Meninas said, knowing full well what a pathetic excuse it was.

"I've got to go home and walk my mother's aunt's roommate's dog Foofy," Candice lied loudly. "It's er, really important. I love that dog. Ferry is like a son to me."

"I'm disappointed," Giselle said, her voice thin, "I thought you would all want to meet my family… and now you all have to go? I feel like I could just… _snap_ with disappointment."

"…on second thought, fan fiction can wait," Bambietta murmured. Dear god, what were they getting into…

"Yeah, what she said," the others murmured, one after another.

* * *

**Giselle's Humble Abode**

Sitting at a large dinner table, our anti-heroes were in incredible unease, sans Giselle. Esdeath's seat was currently empty, while Giselle and Tatsumi sat on either side of her. Bambietta sat next to Giselle, firmly at the center side of one table, with Candice directly across from her, leaving Liltotto in the open spot next to Bambietta and Meninas in the open seat next to Candice. Sitting at the far end of the table, invited over as a guest—since Bambietta and Giselle's friends were already coming over—was Doctor Hannibal Lecter, the Gewelles' next door neighbor.

With everyone sitting down, Esdeath brought in a giant roast chicken imported from the Galapagos Islands, fresh out of the oven, because all dinners in anime need a giant poultry main dish. The trained, deadly assassin was wearing an apron, and judging from the rest of the dinner display- including roasted red potatoes, grapes, garlic-roasted pike, fresh brisket, buffalo macaroni and cheese, and BBQ ribs- she really knew how to cook.

"There," Esdeath said, hanging her apron on the back of her chair. "That should be everything." She was smiling so sweetly, like she wasn't a complete psychopathic sadist. "Don't worry, there's more to come. I just put a fresh batch of miniature meat pies into the oven."

"Don't worry, mom. I'll be sure to eat a lot!" Giselle exclaimed.

"Oh, but of course you will," Esdeath said sweetly, ruffling Giselle's hair. "You need to grow up big and strong, to match the physiques of your friends."

Do I want to know what's in those pies? Candice wondered to herself.

"Mrs. Gewelle." Esdeath looked across the table at Doctor Lecter. The good Doctor spoke out to her with a polite, friendly smile. "Thank you ever so much for inviting me over for supper. It is very kind of you."

"Oh, but of course," Esdeath responded with a smile. "When I heard my little girl was bringing her friends over, I just had to splurge upon my kitchen creativity."

"And I do sincerely thank you for that. Tell me, are the ribs cooked to perfection?"

"Oh, they were simply to die for," Esdeath said, her sweet smile seeming to slip into her usual sadistic one. "Try one."

Doctor Lecter reached forward and grabbed a rib from the basket. He bit down into it with a very noisy chomp. "Mmmm… I can taste a very spicy sauce to compliment the barbecue. It has a very… Mexican taste to it."

"Really? Let me try that," Candice said, reaching for a rib. She bit down. It was actually quite delicious. "Oh, wow, these are good. Never had a cow taste this good."

"Well, what can I say? They were grown from the finest cattle," Esdeath said with a smirk.

"Did you really cook all of this?" Bambietta asked, helping herself to the mac and cheese, and the grapes. She still wasn't sold on the idea that the ribs were exactly what they said they were. That way, if it so happened that they were not-cow, she could haunt Candice with it for days.

"Esdeath sure knows her way around the kitchen," Tatsumi said, eating some fish and some of the potatoes. "Better than my cooking, even."

"Oh, don't say that! I love your cooking!" Esdeath exclaimed with a blush. "Even your surprise Sloppy Joes."

"But that's just…" Tatsumi wanted to admit that it was just meat from a can mixed with leftovers from the fridge, which is why he only ever made it on Friday, but decided it was best not to burst his wife's bubble.

"I'm afraid to ask, but what's dessert?" Bambietta asked.

"Chocolate parfait, crème brulee, and a nice extra-large flan. What else? I mean, I do have some ice pops if that's not your thing or if you have an allergy."

"N-no, that actually does sound pretty good." Said Bambietta.

Esdeath then sat down in her chair and she, her family and her guests began eating in rather awkward silence for the next ten minutes, before Bambietta broke it.

"Okay, no!" Bambietta exclaimed. "This is too surreal! We're having dinner with a professionally trained sadist assassin that's not only not dead, but also a supermom, a known cannibal, in a house where two murders happened on a day when a hole opened up that led straight into hell! This is just not all right!"

"Why, my dear," Hannibal said, his tone polite and soft spoken, "is there a problem with the food?"

"Food is not the problem here!" Bambietta exclaimed. "Or maybe it is! I don't know! I'm not sold on those ribs yet!"

"Well, if you disapprove of the ribs, maybe you might want to try the meat pies that are coming out in a few minutes. I got the recipe from my hair stylist," Esdeath said with a smile.

"Hair… stylist?" Said Bambietta.

"Yes, on Fleet Street. Very charming man, that Mr. Todd," Esdeath nodded.

"Oh yes, I know him, very charming man. We've done lunch together many times. We had an old friend for dinner just the other week. It was very lovely. The Chianti is also very wonderful," Hannibal said as he took another bite out of the rib on his plate.

"Chianti? I thought this was grape juice." Bambietta said.

"Oh no, I dug the finest Chianti out of the wine cellar from next to my torture rack," Esdeath said.

"Wait! But we're all underage!" Meninas exclaimed.

"Oh, what's the problem? Live a little," Esdeath encouraged.

"But what if someone comes and arrests you for giving alcohol to minors? I mean, I won't tell because you seem like a really sweet woman, but…"

"You know," said Esdeath, "people say all sorts of things about alcohol. You could get addicted for life. It could ruin your marriage. It could poison you. It could make you an asshole. But the truth is, people only say that because they don't want you to be fun."

"Oh, really?" Meninas asked.

"Just like how going into the water after meals will give you cramps, it's complete bullshit," Esdeath told her.

"Oh, okay then," Meninas then downed her glass and extended it towards the center of the table. "More please."

_This is getting ridiculous_, Bambietta thought. Unfortunately, drinking wine only served to put her incredibly on edge, fueling her innate paranoia. And that's when the front door opened, and a man wearing a hockey mask, dressed in a business suit, dragging a blood-covered machete behind him, walked into the dining room. Conveniently, there just so happened to be a few chairs open.

"Ah, Mr. Voorhees, so kind of you to join us. Won't you sit down?" Hannibal asked him.

Bambietta stared at "Mr. Voorhees" for a few seconds and then stood up, hands on the table, shouting at the top of her lungs. "Are you kidding me? He's a serial killer!"

"Now, now, that's a very rude thing to say, Miss Basterbine," Esdeath scolded. "Jason here just performs an essential service of lowering the population of mediocre teen movie stars, whose careers really won't amount to much of anything."

"B-but…" Bambietta stuttered.

"Besides, sensei always comes over to eat on Fridays," Giselle pointed out.

"Sen…sei?"

"Well yeah, I mean, you don't think I learned how to be a serial killer all by myself, do you? I had so much help from Doctor Lecter, and of course there's always Uncle Dexter. But Mr. Voorhees taught me the basics."

Esdeath wiped a tear from her eye with a napkin. "I'm so glad our daughter has so many wonderful role models. Right, Tatsumi?"

"Uh… right… good role models," Tatsumi said, laughing nervously, looking like a rat with its foot caught in a trap.

Bambietta just stood in stunned silence for a few minutes. She looked at Candice for any level of emotional support, but the girl had long since passed out in her chair from alcohol consumption and a full stomach. Bambietta then screamed, loudly, jumped out the window made of Hollywood Glass—the kind that is easily breakable and never cuts the person jumping through it—and then ran screaming into the night, flinging her clothes off while singing the lyrics to Combine Harvester.

"Oh my, will she be okay?" Esdeath asked.

"It's Bambi-chan, she'll be fine. Cause if she's not, I'll find out whoever harmed her and add to the body count under the floorboards."

"That's my girl," Esdeath said happily.

Hearing the glass shattering, Candice snorted and woke up with a jolt. She then saw Jason staring right at her through the hockey mask. "Oh, cool, Jason Voorhees." Candice's love for bad boys, it seemed, extended to even slasher film icons. "Have a seat, Mrs. Gewelle was about to serve her meat pies."

Jason just nodded silently and then went over to where Bambietta had been sitting and had a seat. Esdeath then served her meat pies and the merriment carried well into the morning past midnight.

And that, boys and girls, and disgendered folks everywhere, is why you should never jaywalk!

* * *

**(A/N: Sorry about the wait on this one. Things have been really crazy and I never thought the chapter would get this long. A good number of the jokes—the non-Esdeath ones—were courtesy of my co-writer Greatkingrat88. This is also the last chapter we had in mind so don't expect a new chapter for a while since no ideas have come to my mind and therefore nothing has actually been written. So, for the time being, this fanfic is going on "completed" status since it's just a crack anthology to begin with anyways. I think next time though, we'll just have Abridged Alucard make an appearance along with some other really fucked up jokes. In other words: business as usual. However, if this fanfic fades into obscurity due to neglect, I can say proudly that the length and absurdity of this chapter is how I would want to go out. So, from all of me to all of you, let your souls stay human and your wrath draconic. Ja ne!)**

**(CA/N: Sorry for the wait, boys, girls, genderless people, people of colour, homosexuals, bisexuals, tumblrists, redditors, grammar Nazis and other internet denizens! I have been a very lazy person- but I hope my gravelly perversion of Bill Nye the science guy was worth it)**


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